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Where do you turn...

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Zaz3

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Where do you turn in times of despair?
Today I phoned my key worker but they never returned my call. As the day went on i became more and more disturbed with negative thoughts, worry and deep sadness. I reached the end of my tether by mid-evening and called the Samaritans.
After an outpouring of grief, pain and heartache I could speak no more through the tears and have since gone through the self-blame, self-hate, mental torture and lack of any hope up until now.
My mind is in tatters and my body aches with pain and fatigue. I'm in bed now with the walls closing in on me and praying for it all to end. If only I could sleep then maybe I wouldn't wake up tomorrow to begin the cycle all over again.
This isn't living, its constant suffering. The end feels further away than ever.
I am a shell of the person I so want to be. Darkness and emptiness are closing in. I'm alone, isolated from the world and at a loss as to what to do next...
 
B

bpd2020

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Zaz, I am really sorry to hear you are in such despair. You did all the right things today. It is unfortunate your key worker did not return your call. I hope the Samaritans were able to support you. I think you have had a very bad day and if you could get some sleep it would really help. I find thinking in the night makes me feel worse.
 
Z

Zaz3

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Zaz, I am really sorry to hear you are in such despair. You did all the right things today. It is unfortunate your key worker did not return your call. I hope the Samaritans were able to support you. I think you have had a very bad day and if you could get some sleep it would really help. I find thinking in the night makes me feel worse.
I'd give anything for a decent night's sleep. Every day is rough at the moment but that.tiny ember of light in my heart still flickers away so fingers crossed things will improve. My mind comes alive at night. (So at least I know it's still functioning) 🙂
 
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bpd2020

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It is so positive you still have some hope. Hope will get you through this. It must be annoying to become more awake at night. The night can feel very lonely.
 
Z

Zaz3

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It is so positive you still have some hope. Hope will get you through this. It must be annoying to become more awake at night. The night can feel very lonely.
I can't sleep during the day so I kind of rely on a sleep at night. I suppose I meditate at night in bed of sorts, listening to sounds and feeling my breath, but some sleep would be.good too 🙂
 
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bpd2020

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I remember I used to sleep in the day and be up all night. It took me a long time to change that. It is great meditation can help you to feel calm.
 
Z

Zaz3

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I remember I used to sleep in the day and be up all night. It took me a long time to change that. It is great meditation can help you to feel calm.
It's a godsend for me. Without my meditation I'd really be in trouble 🙂
 
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bpd2020

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I think it is brilliant you are able to meditate despite struggling with difficult thoughts.
 
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Braveheart

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Where do you turn in times of despair?
Today I phoned my key worker but they never returned my call. As the day went on i became more and more disturbed with negative thoughts, worry and deep sadness. I reached the end of my tether by mid-evening and called the Samaritans.
After an outpouring of grief, pain and heartache I could speak no more through the tears and have since gone through the self-blame, self-hate, mental torture and lack of any hope up until now.
My mind is in tatters and my body aches with pain and fatigue. I'm in bed now with the walls closing in on me and praying for it all to end. If only I could sleep then maybe I wouldn't wake up tomorrow to begin the cycle all over again.
This isn't living, its constant suffering. The end feels further away than ever.
I am a shell of the person I so want to be. Darkness and emptiness are closing in. I'm alone, isolated from the world and at a loss as to what to do next...
I feel your pain I really do. It's a shame and nobody deserves to feel like this. Really hope you find some peace and feel better soon. Here if you need to talk. Big hugs xxxxxxxxx
 
Z

Zaz3

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I feel your pain I really do. It's a shame and nobody deserves to feel like this. Really hope you find some peace and feel better soon. Here if you need to talk. Big hugs xxxxxxxxx
Thank you for.your kindness. Much appreciated 🙂
 
EarthChild

EarthChild

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If I'm in despair I talk to a supportive family member or a friend, or go on support groups online, like here 😊
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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oh im sorry you are struggling so much x please keep talking i promise we care
if you ever can't sleep and are on here i will keep you company if im awake if you would like x
so hope you feel better soon x how are you today? xx
 
Z

Zaz3

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oh im sorry you are struggling so much x please keep talking i promise we care
if you ever can't sleep and are on here i will keep you company if im awake if you would like x
so hope you feel better soon x how are you today? xx
Call me a numpty but do you mean me ?
 
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givemehope

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I really really relate to this. it is devastating. this was beautifully written though. hang in there, we are here for you
 

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