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where did my rage go?

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cokezero

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Mar 2, 2021
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i had a mental breakdown 2 months ago, and it just ended about a week ago. I was extremly unstable, and experiencing psychotic delusions. Way more than my usual, like, literally every 15 seconds, my mood would change drastically. I would go from screaming in rage to crying to calm in less than one minute. (Not an exaggeration) Now, it is all over, and i feel numb. It does not feel normal to me. I know how horrible those mood swings were, but i never feel this numb. Will my emotions ever come back? I hate to say, but i'm so used to the unstable version of myself, it feels normal and i miss it. I just want my emotions back, this is hell on earth and it's so much worse than the explosive mood swings.
 
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Bpdcgd

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I have experienced this too. It does pass like all bpd symptoms do and will come and go. My advice is enjoy the break from mood swings. If you have anything that you have avoided doing due to fear of overwhelming emotions now might be the time to try doing it.
Examples from my past where I used this time wisely was visiting loved ones graves and also self reflection + working on a cbt book on anxiety.
 
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cokezero

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I have experienced this too. It does pass like all bpd symptoms do and will come and go. My advice is enjoy the break from mood swings. If you have anything that you have avoided doing due to fear of overwhelming emotions now might be the time to try doing it.
Examples from my past where I used this time wisely was visiting loved ones graves and also self reflection + working on a cbt book on anxiety.
The mood swings have come back. I raged yesterday at my sister
 
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Bpdcgd

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I'm guessing you are glad to be feeling again but no so happy to have raged again? I have rage down to a couple of episodes a year now but they are usually big ones!!
 
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cokezero

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I'm guessing you are glad to be feeling again but no so happy to have raged again? I have rage down to a couple of episodes a year now but they are usually big ones!!
Usually, i rage every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Not fun at all. Better than being completely numb and emotionless though
 
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Bpdcgd

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Usually, i rage every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Not fun at all. Better than being completely numb and emotionless though
Best thing I have found, other than therapy, to slow the moodswings down / reduce the number of outbursts has been avoiding all substances ie caffeine alcohol & weed.
 
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cokezero

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Best thing I have found, other than therapy, to slow the moodswings down / reduce the number of outbursts has been avoiding all substances ie caffeine alcohol & weed.
For me, i find it's fear that triggers my rage related to my PTSD. I think that someone wants to physically hurt me or fight me most of the time i get triggered, and i get really anxious/paranoid about it, and that paranoia turns into rage and physical violence for whatever reason. who knows why, i was physically abused as a child, which could be related
 
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Bpdcgd

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For me, i find it's fear that triggers my rage related to my PTSD. I think that someone wants to physically hurt me or fight me most of the time i get triggered, and i get really anxious/paranoid about it, and that paranoia turns into rage and physical violence for whatever reason. who knows why, i was physically abused as a child, which could be related
Have you done any CBT? I suffered bad with anxiety for years and through CBT learned how to stop the thought process of worry. I ask about CBT because you seem to know that the cycle starts with fear and escalates. CBT is a really good treatment when people have insight into the cycle of triggers/thoughts/behaviours. I see you are in the USA so forgive me if this is not an option for you, I live in Ireland and healthcare is free here.
 
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cokezero

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Have you done any CBT? I suffered bad with anxiety for years and through CBT learned how to stop the thought process of worry. I ask about CBT because you seem to know that the cycle starts with fear and escalates. CBT is a really good treatment when people have insight into the cycle of triggers/thoughts/behaviours. I see you are in the USA so forgive me if this is not an option for you, I live in Ireland and healthcare is free here.
I have insurance. i don't know what techniques they use, but i have a psychiatrist who has worked with multiple borderlines before, and my therapist actually specializes in bpd, which is prettty cool so yeah
 
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Bpdcgd

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That's good to hear you have insurance. Stick with the therapy 👍
A little off topic but I once stayed in Wheeling in WV for a month with family in 2001. Spent most of my time fishing. When fishing the river Ohio I met a guy who was also fishing. He sat chatting to me asking questions about Ireland. He was taking tablets every 30mins or so. I asked and he said he had cancer, the tablets were painkillers, that's all the state would give him cause he had no insurance. I was shocked by the lack of healthcare available to the underprivileged.
 
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cokezero

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That's good to hear you have insurance. Stick with the therapy 👍
A little off topic but I once stayed in Wheeling in WV for a month with family in 2001. Spent most of my time fishing. When fishing the river Ohio I met a guy who was also fishing. He sat chatting to me asking questions about Ireland. He was taking tablets every 30mins or so. I asked and he said he had cancer, the tablets were painkillers, that's all the state would give him cause he had no insurance. I was shocked by the lack of healthcare available to the underprivileged.
That is extremely disturbing. that's how i feel mental health professionals often treat borderlines. They refuse to treat us because we are "uncurable" and "difficult to work with", yet they work with patients with Bipolar II with no issues, despite how similar the symptoms are. The irony astonishes me
 
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Bpdcgd

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I'm optimistic that the "uncurable" and "difficult to work with" stereotypes are slowing disappearing. Many doctors and therapists are challenging those views and specializing in the area.
(I'm in glass half full mode 😂)
 
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cokezero

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I'm optimistic that the "uncurable" and "difficult to work with" stereotypes are slowing disappearing. Many doctors and therapists are challenging those views and specializing in the area.
(I'm in glass half full mode 😂)
I would really hope so, because being called "untreatable" and "there is no cure" makes me extremely depressed ahha
 
HLon99

HLon99

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I'm sorry that you are going through all this. Although, DBT therapy is the mainstay of BPD treatment; some people experiencing extreme mood swings/psychotic symptoms might benefit from an antipsychotic or a mood stabiliser. Is that something that you would consider?
 
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cokezero

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My current medications are seroquel, olanzapine, zoloft, and naltrexone (i do not use drugs, it is for self-harm urges). The olanzapine is the most helpful with my mood swings and intrusive thoughts, it's like a miracle drug. The only thing is, i haven't taken any of my medications since december, except when they would give me IM (involuntary) medication in the psychiatric hospital when i would get agitated. Reason i don't take them being, i live with my family, and since i am not trusted to attempt an OD (i have done this several times before), the medications are locked away and i have to be given them. The idea of someone else being "happy" i took them or "proud of me" just makes me extremely uncomfortable for whatever reason. So yea, that's my situation. i cannot move out as i am still in high school and i don't have a job or a car
 

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