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When to tell a potential love interest you hear voices?

NWiddi

NWiddi

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So I've just been put into the friend zone by a woman I had been chasing since October last year, she knew I was a voice hearer from the get go as we met on a mental health dating site and in my profile I said I'm a voice hearer. She told me it's not me but her as she's bipolar and she told me she didn't feel stable enough for a relationship.

So I'm back on the proverbial horse looking for the future Mrs. NWiddi.

I've found a woman on Facebook dating who would be a good match for me, loves animals, very local etc. We spoke for two days about her kids, pets and so on but today I thought I'd try telling her my little secret, I told her I value honesty above all so I needed to be honest with her and proceeded to explain that I hear a voice that isn't my own and nobody else can hear, that was at 3pm today and I'm yet to hear back from her and I'm unsure if I ever will.

So my question to the blokes would be when would you tell a potential love interest, would you tell them at all, tell them straight off the bat or wait until she's expressed a strong interest in you?

My question to the ladies is similar, would you prefer to know straight away so if you can't handle it you won't be wasting too much time on a voice hearer, would you prefer to know after a stronger connection had been made or would you hold it against a man if he hid it from you?

I know I may be asking the wrong people as almost all of you are dealing with mental health issues yourselves so you're more likely to be open minded, more compassionate towards others with issues and non-judgmental.

I can only imagine the shock this new potential love interest must be going through if she's never been exposed to the world of mental illness before, but I also imagine if she can handle it then she's a keeper.
 
babyblue22

babyblue22

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From a females prospective I would suggest waiting until she opens up herself emotionally and physically. Not trying to be mean or anything but it would scare me off unless I truly knew that person first. It’s amazing you want to be upfront and honest but that doesn’t mean you have to disclose everything. As a woman I would almost appreciate a man saying he has struggles with mental health but hearing voices can come across as very extreme. Especially if she doesn’t understand mental health fully.

Waiting for a message back can be extremely hard so be kind to yourself & try not to over think it. If she doesn’t reply by tomorrow afternoon I suggest sending her another message saying that you would at least like to know where you stand.

Sending hugs ❤
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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From a females prospective I would suggest waiting until she opens up herself emotionally and physically.
Thanks for your perspective, my fear is by the time she opens up she'll resent me for not telling her sooner if it ends up being a deal breaker for her. I could keep it quiet as I can pass myself off as neuro-typical when I want to but I really want a relationship where I don't have to hide it.

I have a friend who hears voices and she has a boyfriend that she hides it from completely, she values my friendship with her because she can be fully open with me and I don't bat an eye at all the madness her voices put her through.

The last thing I want is for women to waste time on me and miss their opportunity to find their ideal partner.

The voice hearing and being on meds for it also helps me explain why I can't drive, why I'm on benefits and why I volunteer to work for a mental health forum.
 
babyblue22

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Thanks for your perspective, my fear is by the time she opens up she'll resent me for not telling her sooner if it ends up being a deal breaker for her. I could keep it quiet as I can pass myself off as neuro-typical when I want to but I really want a relationship where I don't have to hide it.

I have a friend who hears voices and she has a boyfriend that she hides it from completely, she values my friendship with her because she can be fully open with me and I don't bat an eye at all the madness her voices put her through.

The last thing I want is for women to waste time on me and miss their opportunity to find their ideal partner.

The voice hearing and being on meds for it also helps me explain why I can't drive, why I'm on benefits and why I volunteer to work for a mental health forum.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I think it’s really unhealthy to hide something as big as that throughout a whole relationship! I’m just suggesting holding off until they know who you are. A lot of stigma comes with mental health but none of that will matter if they trust you.

One thing you keep saying is that they are wasting their time on you. Sounds like you have a lot to offer a women as you deeply care which is an amazing quality to have! Don’t be so hard on yourself because other people can’t deal with your MH.

I see what you mean about not wanting to lie about work etc too. But you can say you have MH but you don’t have to say it’s voices.

Sending hugs xx
 
Takingmybrain

Takingmybrain

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I would say from pretty soon in you have mental health issues, if they stick around then they are right person to continue talking to. You can say they are welcome to ask any questions if they want to about it. Then it leaves it open to them to find out more if they choose. If they choose to find out more great, if they choose not to then you can tell them more at a later date and uve not nesicarily hidden anything because you gave them the oppourtunity before to ask anything.
 
Jam1990

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In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with keeping it to yourself until you get to know the person first. Until the person knows you, they might be scared to go any further with someone who hears voices. It’s your right to tell them when you want. You are just dating, not getting married. I don’t tell people everything about me right away, it’s none of their business.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I see what you mean about not wanting to lie about work etc too. But you can say you have MH but you don’t have to say it’s voices.
I'm not keen on saying I have mental issues without being specific, her mind could go wild trying to guess what may be wrong with me when all I am is a man who hears a voice.

Unless you count the voice itself I don't have hallucinations and haven't been diagnosed as schizophrenic, my psychosis is far behind me and my 9 days in hospital when I started hearing is starting to become a faded memory.

I told her that around 10% of all people have had some kind of voice hearing experience which is the same amount of people in the world who are left handed.
 
C

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I see it as very personal information really. Maybe like the fact that I am in recovery from alcoholism. When would I want to talk about that? Only if I felt a strong connection and anticipated wanting to go on seeing someone. I guess you could try to suss out their attitudes to mental un wellness generally before taking the step to disclose.
 
babyblue22

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I'm not keen on saying I have mental issues without being specific, her mind could go wild trying to guess what may be wrong with me when all I am is a man who hears a voice.

Unless you count the voice itself I don't have hallucinations and haven't been diagnosed as schizophrenic, my psychosis is far behind me and my 9 days in hospital when I started hearing is starting to become a faded memory.

I told her that around 10% of all people have had some kind of voice hearing experience which is the same amount of people in the world who are left handed.
Then I think you should be honest about everything if your more comfortable with that. It’s her loss if she gets caught up with the stigma of it all. But also a lot of people just don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything which is even worse in my experience!
You be true to you, the right person will find you. Probably when your not looking xx
 
Takingmybrain

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I think people who dont have expierence of voice hearers hear it as a scary thing and possiblity of being a violent thing because how the news makes it appear. But i think if you explain to them that your symptoms are now and have for a long time been under control ( i gather from what uve told me few times?) Then its not really something for someone to fear as much. I dunno??
 
JessisMe

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From a females prospective I would suggest waiting until she opens up herself emotionally and physically. Not trying to be mean or anything but it would scare me off unless I truly knew that person first. It’s amazing you want to be upfront and honest but that doesn’t mean you have to disclose everything. As a woman I would almost appreciate a man saying he has struggles with mental health but hearing voices can come across as very extreme. Especially if she doesn’t understand mental health fully.

Waiting for a message back can be extremely hard so be kind to yourself & try not to over think it. If she doesn’t reply by tomorrow afternoon I suggest sending her another message saying that you would at least like to know where you stand.

Sending hugs ❤
I agree.
 
W

wellness

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Thanks this is a really good thread on a personal problem we will all face ... from my perspective even though I have had the voices for a very long time .... The only people that know that I have a Voice problem are my immediate family and my Treating Psych's, GPs etc the Psychiatric community I have been involved with. But I might be in a generally better situation as it has been over 10 years now that I have been discharged from Psychiatric Care and just the medications administered by the GPs. Besides the Voices, I don't have any other mental health issues. And I have been living a rich full life, Working a nice Job, good circle of mates who have no clue on the Voices, I have in this time been in and out of relationships but have not got really deeply involved to disclose my Voices Secret. I plan to wait till I get into an inseparable state of the relationship before opening up about the Voices!
Just my 2 cents :cool:
 
TooMuchPain

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I'm just seeing this thread now. You seem like a honest and caring person. I hope she answered you. I understand your concern. You want her to know about who you are. Hearing voices doesn't make you unworthy. Honesty is like walking a tightrope. Too honest too fast and she will run away. Not honest fast enough and she will not trust you, and run away. I would wait until there is some trust involved.
 
albagobragh

albagobragh

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Hi @NWiddi. I'd say let a connection develop before you tell her you hear voices. First, it is your business and you probably wouldn't tell everyone you meet about your issue so why tell a love interest? Second, let her get to know you first and she will see it is all under control. Third, and probably most important, it is a minor facet of your personality and doesn't define who you are.
 

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