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When im addicted its bad

Takingmybrain

Takingmybrain

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May 23, 2020
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469
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South east england
Ive had disorder eating since i was 8 years old. Ive been through anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder in my life. Im currently in restrictive type phase.

My problem is i have autism too and is when i get into a routine of things and i become obessive with things i become really obessive with it. And my new thing is i found videos of a girl i really like on youtube who had anorexia and its videos of her before she got sectioned in hospital for 3 months before she nearly died. And i know this sounds sick but i love how she looks and dream of being like that. I used to be extremely thin when i was anorexic at 19/ 20 and i want it back.

Ive started throwing away bits of food again, restricting, going on extra long walks and taking the longer way back even though i know itl make me ill after and i keep considering going back to purging and other behaviours that i know i shouldnt.

Ive lost alot weight over the last 18 months and im currently a healthy weight and people say im skinny but to me thats not good enough. I dream of being anorexic. They dont see me naked, they dont see the scales, i dream of being much under weight again i dont know why because i wasnt much happier as a anorexic but i feel in my mind it looks better as sick as it probably seems.

I dont know how to get out this mind set. I wont stop now till im back under weight. Im determined now.... Yet i guess im here asking for help how to stop this because i feel i should because i have people worrying about my weight loss already.
No eating disorder service in the uk would see me yet as im a healthy weight.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I'm sorry you are not getting the help you need and deserve.
do you have support for your autism?
 
Takingmybrain

Takingmybrain

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Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
469
Location
South east england
I'm sorry you are not getting the help you need and deserve.
do you have support for your autism?
I have a mental health team who know about my autism but they arnt alot of much help really at the moment and dont know a great deal about autism it seems. They mainly focus on my other disorders and dont see how much my autism effects me too sadly. I dont think uk m.h are trained enough in autism.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Autism help can be tied up with the learning disabled team. Also it can be tied up with the community mental health team as intensive support. I don't know much about autism support alone. Can your g p refer you somewhere? Autism and ED perhaps is a combined problem, linked togethr.
 
Takingmybrain

Takingmybrain

Well-known member
Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
469
Location
South east england
I dont have a learning disability aswell so the learn disability service wont take me even though they deal with autism sadly. I dont know if there are any autism charities around my area perhaps that might help but i know my nhs around here arnt much use. Maybe i need to look into eating disorder charities too as again nhs only help the very under weight or servere bulmics and im niether right now. Thanks for replying.
 
H

Hello Everybody

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Joined
Jan 5, 2021
Messages
105
Location
UK
These videos you are watching of the girl with anorexia, you need to be replacing these videos by watching something else that doesn't involve eating disorders.

You say you dream of being anorexic but that doesn't only involve being thin, that involves becoming very unwell and being sectioned in hospital like the girl in the video.

You have said yourself that you keep considering going back to behaviours that you know you shouldn't and that you don't know why you dream of being much under weight as you wasn't much happier being anorexic. You feel it looks better but looks aren't everything, your health has to come first.
 

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