What's your opinion? (Depression)

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s1mer

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#1
A little about myself:
- I'm a 19 years old male.
- I live in Romania. (For those that don't know how / where Romania is, it is an european country with a minimum wage of $275 in hand / monthly and that also feels and looks kinda like Russia, but much smaller)
- My father left me and my mom out on the streets when I was 3 months old.
- Friends of my mother would bring us food because all my mother's salary could pay was the rent for the one bedroom apartment.
- I wasn't bullied in school / high-school / ever.

The story

I'll let my mind type whatever it wants from now on. (If some things doesn't not make sense / doesn't correlate with the context of the sentence / paragraph I'm sorry, that's just how my mind works)

It all started when I was around 14-15 years old. It all started with a small amount of self harm but that didn't last long. I stopped after like a month. I became happy after that without any good reason and just forgot about it. (Yes, I snapped my fingers when I was 14-15 years old, became really really depressed and after a month I snapped my fingers again and I became happy. Yes, I don't know what happened / why it happened / how it happened)

==============Between 16 and 16.5 years old==============

I really never believed in true love because of the history of my family. But I was told that I should give it a try. (Besides the relationships you get in when you are really young, I was thinking about having one long relationship for once and see how it goes) (I'm 16 in this part of the story) So I got in a relationship with a girl in my class that I wanted to date for 1-1.5 years. I remember she started liking me when she was crying in front of the high-school on some hotel's doorsteps about how his boyfriend cheated on her multiple times in the last couple of months. I don't know how but I made her laugh and since then I could feel a connection between us. A couple of months after that we went with our teacher to theatre or something like that. That's where we started holding hands randomly. That night I was talking to her over whatsapp and we got in a relationship. I loved this girl not only for how she looked / her personality (or what I thought was her personality), but I really thought that I could have a long relationship with her since she stayed with that guy around 1-2 years even tho he cheated on her multiple times / beat her one or two times. (In my head I was thinking "If she stayed with that kind of a guy that long, I can't imagine her breaking up with me [If I decide to get into a relationship, that means that I'll never cheat on you. {I promised that to myself, again because of the history of my family}]) Needless to say she cheated on me with that guy one month later. When she "came back to me crying" (not really, but she was hurt because he cheated on her again) I made the worst decision you can take in life and took her back. (Never get back with someone that cheated on you, thei'll never stop). Needless to say she cheated on me again with that guy. (Why do girls always choose the guys that treat her like shit? [Generalisation]) I told her to never spoke to me again and I let it go.

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I told this story because it played a role in my "life decision".
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Check the comments for the full post as it is too big and the forum won't let me post it at once.
 
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s1mer

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#2
==============Between 17 and 17.5 years old==============

I was getting really depressed and my mother took me to see a psychiatrist. At this point in time I was really depressed, anxious, angry and sometimes I could hear my name being whispered to me when nobody was in the room and also I got really really angry even when I heard the sound of my phone vibrating or the sound of a penny dropping on the ground.

The psychiatrist didn't really gave me a detailed diagnosis, but my treatment was the following:

// Daily dosage //

Morning:
  • - Nothing

Lunch time:
  • - 1/2 Spitomin 5g / pill. The english term for Spitomin is Buspirone and it is a short time anxiety pill.
  • - 1/4 Bromazepam 3g / pill. It is a benzodiazepine and it makes you calm down and it is inducing sleep. Short term: a sedative.


Evening:
  • - 1 Anxiar 1g/ pill. The english term for Anxiar is Lorazepam and it helps with anxiety, the anxiety that's related to depression and it also helps you sleep.
  • - 1 Onalzapine 10g / pill. It is an antipsychotic for the problem with that voice whispering my name.
  • - 1/2 Stilnox 10g / pill. The english term is Zolpidem and it is just a sleeping pill.
  • - 1/2 Bromazepam 3g / pill. It is a benzodiazepine and it makes you calm down and it is inducing sleep. Short term: a sedative.
  • - 1 Cipralex 10g/ pill. The english term is Escitalopram and it is an antidepressant.

Fast forward some weeks later I really started to hate my treatment. It would turn me into an walking vegetable and I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped taking it. At least my anxiety was gone. (Yes, sounds cringy and also unbelievable that "my anxiety" was suddenly gone after just some weeks of treatment, but that happened. [Of course I wasn't a severe case. In fact, I don't even think I really had anxiety, I guess I was just a shy person])
 
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s1mer

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#3
==============Between 17.5 and 18 years old==============

I started to really be interested in psychology, mostly about psychopaths and sociopaths. I wanted to become one. I knew that I can't be a psychopath, but I really wished to be a sociopath. (I also wanted to become a robot. No, not a half man - half machine kind of robot, but I really like the idea of implementing a chip into my brain and make me act like one. No emotions, no "5 more minutes", no "I'm tired", none of that. I really just wanted to act like a robot).
 
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s1mer

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#4
============== The meaning behind "I'm "angry" all the time ==============

I don't really remember many things from this point in time (17-18.5 years old) but somewhere around here the anger "went from outside to inside". Now I don't get angry and harm myself in order to feel physical pain. (The day after the pain was that sharp that I couldn't move that part of my body because the movement would make my skin in that area contract and the pain would be unbereable. [Why am I explaining everything so much!?]) Now I don't start being violent when I'm angry. Now the anger is all inside.

{moderated out]
 
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s1mer

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#5
============== The meaning behind "I'm "depressed" all the time ==============

Now what I'm feeling is described as "depression" and / or "existential crisis". (As far as I know existential crisis don't last this long)
In that period (17.5-18 years old) I really started thinking about me as an individual person. I'm a person in 7.53 billion. On a planet out of eight planets from our solar system. In a solar system out of... you know where this goes. I also added the fact that we don't know how the universe started, we don't know what's after death, we don't know if there is a God up there. (I like to believe there is, but not the one from the Bible, Quran or ect. [I won't go into religion in this post because some people might find it offensive]). So every thing stated above made me believe that life at this point for me as an idividual is meaningless. And that's mathematically true. I have no impact on the world around me besides maybe 5-100 people. (In this I even count the people I randomly smile at everyday because I believe a smile can change someone's day) And there is no way I can do something that'll have an impact outside of our planet, so on an "universe level" I'm useless. On an "earth level" I'm also useless. The only "level" that I'm not useless in is the "local level". So you can say that I'm not useless, okay. But there is nothing that I could find / there is no person that could change my mind on the idea that life is meaningless.
 
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s1mer

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#6
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So, my "life decision" now at 19 years old is that:
  • - Life is meaningless and there is nothing wrong if I sometimes decide to suicide.
  • - Relationships are useless unless you can't afford to leave alone.
  • - Money and health are the most important things in life.

Since I realised (at least that's the way I see life) that relationships are useless I decided I'll no longer have any relationship with a girl. If I like someone and they like me back I just hold it in, never say something, let it hurt and let it make me numb even more. (This has really worked, by making myself stop doing things that makes me happy I really started to feel like a "robot" as I wished back when I was 17.5 - 18 years old)

=====================================================================
Huh, well done mind, well done. Now I'm back and I won't let my mind write whatever it wants anymore on this post.

If I'd have to guess I'd say there are some parts where something was really confusing / sounded stupid / made no sense but I decided before writing all of that to let my mind go free and let it explain it by the way it wants and feels.

Now... Why did I posted this?
Well, I want to hear your opinion on this. As I studied psychology by myself for about 1 - 1.5 years, I'm afraid I can't give myself a diagnosis or I really can't tell if I'm depressed or this is just the way I am now. I can see how that break up and how the story with my father played a role in this, but I don't know if that woke me up to reality or am I just leaving a "sad" dream inside my head. (I used quotation marks when wrote "sad" because I can't really tell if it really is sad or just reality)

So...
- What's your opinion about my "life decision"?
- Someone else feeling just like me?


Thanks for reading.
 

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