my biggest fear is stagnating in life not going through the process of doing things like forming a relationship, having a family of my own. also talking to other people verbally is a irrational fear I have, well it is more to do with not being able to focus and think clearly to talk to people, I am also fearful of getting cancer and everyone close to me dying. Progressively through my life I am losing them all it seems, as time passes it just gets sadder more depression each and every day my mothers partner now has cancer with days or weeks left, as did my uncle and father in the past, all that remains now is a empty shell of a person I am and my brother who is going through unexplained problems mentally and physically and my mum has worrying pains to get checked out and if they are not with me I am totally alone, I am barely functioning myself my thoughts are distant and hazy I feel all hope has gone for a meaningful future, I've never had a relationship with anyone and cant form them i end up shutting everyone out until i am forgotten about. also lost my job since school leaving age in march because of this pandemic, I don't know what else to say in my mid 30's now, i am just basically trying to keep calm taking 1 day at a time trying to think in the present moment but thinking is just doing my head in sleep is my only relief in life and that keeps getting interrupted I randomly wake up in middle of the night gasping for breath or feeling great panic like I'm about to die most nights. sorry for rambling on but had to vent it somehow