Whats wrong with me?

[rxgxk91]

I'm writing this because I've realised I finally need help. I've been what I suppose is called a Compulsive Liar since I was about 14, it started when I told a friend that I had a problem with my eyes - I didn't and I had no idea why I said it, but for some reason it didn't feel wrong to lie to them. Instead the lie spread and became bigger and I told a few close friends that I had this problem when I didnt. For a long time I did not feel like I was doing anything wrong and had no consience about it. I liked the extra attention, but this is beyond just attention seeking. I couldnt help myself from contuining it, until i got caught out and my group of friends close to me at school all rejected me - which was understandable. I've never been able to understand why I lie, maybe it was a habit I formed at the wrong time of growing up and it has just stuck with me and why I continue to do it, I'm aware that I'm lying but I do not feel the wrong but I do feel completely alone and empty when it is found out - tell myself that I must stop doing it but continue anyway. I've always had low self esteem and perhaps I've been lying to make myself sound more interesting and more vunerable to people, trying to make myself more attractive. I've told friends that I'm adopted, that I've had brain tumours, that I wanted to kill myself, that I was born in a foreign country for example, I don't feel bad when I say these things and don't know why I do. I hate myself for doing these things - I know they are all sick and wrong, but there must be something wrong with me to do this?

I'm 18 now and I still tell my girlfriend that I was born in a foreign country and adopted my current parents, I came out with this when I met her, I have no idea why I did and this is what scares me. I feel no connection to my parents at all, as if they are not my parents but as far as I am aware I am not adopted and share features with both my parents. It's not a delusion I suppose because I'm aware that I'm lying but feel like I have no control.

After researching Schizophrenia one time online when I was about 15, I must have decided that I could use the idea of having this mental health problem to make up for all the other lying I had done - to cover it up, which I know is wrong now and I hate myself for it. I've never really shown any symptoms of Skitzophrenia apart from thought disorder. I've never had problems at school or college or anything like that. But convinced myself, somehow that I did have it and I suppose to some extent - believe it.

I suppose I'm scared of the lack of control I have over myself, I hate that I lie to people close to me.. I wish I didn't do it. I have an obsessive nature so I suppose this does help. I'm scared that there is nothing wrong with me and I'm just a sick excuse for a human being. I hope so much that there is something wrong with me, but what do I do to find out.

I have done some research into what could be wrong with me (I know I need to be assessed professionally), I suppose I show signs of a personality disorder, particularly hisrionic and have characterists of pathological lying.

Rx

 

[*Sapphire*]

Hi Rx

And to the forum!

Unfortunately no one can diagnose you here, but a good step might be to see a counsellor or your GP to see if there is an underlying issue at work here.

I guess the problem with this, is perhaps the temptation to lie to them too. If that may be an issue for you it might be worth printing what you have written here and showing it to them.

There has been another discussion on this site from members who have had similar issues as you. Here is the link to it;

http://www.mentalhealthforum.net/forum/showthread.php?t=4602

Take heart, you have made the decision to be honest with yourself and to others here, that is the first step.

But I strongly advise seeing your GP, as they may be able to refer you to a resource(s) that will help you understand and overcome it.

 

[rxgxk91]

Thanks for your quick reply Sapphire and the link you showed to another thread was really useful for me to see that there are other people like me. I have recognised my problem but am too scared to be able to talk to someone I don't know about this, espically a GP, they might just think I'm an awful person like I do.

 

[*Sapphire*]

If I can put your mind at rest Rx, GPs and health professionals have heard a multitude of things and they may well have come across this before, as you can see from other threads on here there are others suffering with the same issues.

They are very unlikely to judge you in any way. They are more likely to want to help you get to the bottom of the matter, especially as it is causing you so much distress.

I have spent years not telling professionals things that I was ashamed of, it wasn't until I finally opened up that I realised that by not telling them the only person I was damaging was myself. I prolonged my own suffering. And I wish I had told them so much earlier, because the help they gave me benefitted me in so many ways, and no they did not judge me.

You may find that your lying is a symptom of another underlying condition, such as the ones I highlighted in the link I gave you. And as it is causing you so much distress I would say you really need some help with it.

If you can't see your own GP because you know them well and it might make it more difficult for you try making an appointment with another. If you think you will struggle to get the words out, do give them a printout of your post and tell them that you fear that they will judge you. I am sure they will put any fears you have at rest, and reassure you that they are not there to judge, they are there to help.

It is also worth bearing in mind, that if you are making a judgement about yourself it is likely that you will think others will have the same perception as you which might not neccessarily be true. You are basing other peoples perceptions on your own. I haven't judged you by what you wrote, it hasn't stopped me replying to you, and I don't think you are a bad person. I just think you are someone who is in distress and struggling with some issues.

Please get some help, you might find it is a huge weight off your shoulders.

 

[rxgxk91]

Thanks again, you speak a lot of sense and this is something I know I have to do, its just weather I can or not. I suppose I could go in and give them a printout of what I've said then let the GP read that like you said. I'm with my girlfriend for the next week, I suppose after this I could book an oppointment, I'm just sitting here and I can't see how I can do it.

I'm not very good at making big decisions

 

[*Sapphire*]

Yes I'm not good with big decisions too! I do know how difficult it is to make that first step.

Maybe tomorrow first thing when you get up, make an appointment for the following week, then it is out of your hands for the time being, and try to put it out of your mind.

In the meantime if you need some moral support or distractions do post on this site. Most people here are very supportive and non judgmental. Many people on here have admitted to things that they are uncomfortable with, or ashamed of. Have a good look through the site and see.

Take care, good luck, and please let us know how it goes if you want to.

 

[keepsafe]

Hi rxgxk91
Welcome

I just wanted to acknowledge your post - I agree with Sapphire - take a print of your post to a g.p and see how things go from there on - you have been brave enough to post here so that is a first step.

Take care
KS