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What's wrong with me?

PaddyMcNasty

PaddyMcNasty

New member
Joined
May 12, 2009
Messages
3
Location
Glasgow
Hi, first of all sorry if I've posted in the wrong part of the forum, this is my first post.

I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember, first started to realise what was going on when I was 16/17 and diagnosed at 18 (21 now), and I also suffer from generalised anxiety and panic attacks from time to time.

I lost my job in January for being regularly late because I find it almost impossible to get out of bed in the morning. This triggered a bout of anxiety which was consistently bad for around 2 months it then died down when I had to move out of my flat and so wasn't worrying about it so heavily, hasn't yet died completely but is a lot more manageable now. I had maybe two weeks of not feeling too bad and then my depression started getting worse... and worse... and worse. I'm at the stage now where I can't be bothered with anything, see little good in my life, feel unbelievably lonely, am becoming more and more withdrawn and am sleeping about 12-13 hours a night. I've also been eating a lot and am now at a record high weight of 20 stone (I'm quite tall and very big built so this isn't as huge as it sounds but it's still pretty bad).

But here's the bit that's starting to worry me as I don't really understand it: I am becoming obsessed with someone I've never met. An American actress, she's all I can think about. I've had crushes on celebrities before but this is much more than that. I know how ridiculous it is, I don't know the first thing about her. I try and think about something else but all thoughts lead back to her. I'm trying to work towards becoming a composer for film but I get nowhere because I just imagine making it big, moving to LA and meeting her. I end up doing very little composing and a hell of a lot of pining. There's only ever been one other person in my life who was in my thoughts as much and she's an ex-girlfriend.

Does anyone have any idea what's going on? Am I moving up another rung of the mental illness ladder or is this just some adolescent rubbish catching me a couple of years too late?

Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance for any help you might be able to give me.

Paddy
 
T

Twylight

Guest
Hello Paddy and Welcome

It would be good to write these thoughts down and show them to a GP
 
nickh

nickh

Well-known member
Founding Member
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Feb 14, 2008
Messages
1,428
Location
Birmingham UK
Hi Paddy and :welcome: to the Forum.

First off you were posting in the right place - the categories aren't that firm in a lot of cases anyway - just guidelines.

As to what you say I am a bit reluctant to comment as all we can do here is to try and relate things to our own personal experiences and what we have learned from them, and there is nothing in my own experience which comes particularly close to yours - so please don't take offence if what I say seems irrelevant or to diminish your experience. First clearly you are a depressive, like me and lots of us here, and I presume you are getting treatment for this?
(medication/talking therapy). My own experience is that when depressed, or at a time when I was having long episodes with short remissions, not only did I self-medicate but I fantasised a great deal and when I was in a position turned those fantasies into reality (which I am still shy of discussing with anyone but my therapist - I am in awe of those here who are so much more open). It wasn't really the fantasies themselves which were harmful in my case and I still have them - it was the turning them into reality and the extent to which they came to dominate and the guilt which I had about them. I only worked all these things out with the help, when I finally got it, of a brilliant psychologist. Everyone's experience here is an individual one but I would say the key things are first to avoid guilt for anything which occurs purely in your head - thought does harm to no-one but guilt is a disaster for you. Next is to try and get hold of some decent talking therapy - a psychologist or psycho-therapist who you find works for you. Only then can you start to work out the connections between the depression and the obsession - if there is one at all - in my case there is but it is not a total or simple one.

:) sorry if this all sounds a bit vague. I am just trying as best I can to relate your own experience (which isn't that similar) to mine and tell you how I worked and continue to work through it.

Nick.
 
PaddyMcNasty

PaddyMcNasty

New member
Joined
May 12, 2009
Messages
3
Location
Glasgow
First clearly you are a depressive, like me and lots of us here, and I presume you are getting treatment for this?
(medication/talking therapy).


I was on citalopram for a while but I could not stand the side effects and when I asked my doctor to refer me to a counsellor she said she would after me practically begging. Two years down the line I've yet to hear anything further about it.

I fantasised a great deal and when I was in a position turned those fantasies into reality (which I am still shy of discussing with anyone but my therapist - I am in awe of those here who are so much more open).
This actually makes sense to me and may be more in line with what I'm experiencing than you think. What do you mean when you say you turned them into reality? I'll understand if you don't want to answer that question.

I've been quite wary of asking my doctors for help because of the reasons above but I've moved back with my Mum for now and phoned up to ask about rejoining the doctors here, they were generally better than the one in the East End of Glasgow. Does anyone know if talking therapy is available on the NHS in Scotland?
 
N

Nutter_09

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
136
Location
Middlesex
Hi there,

First off, this website is great for getting advice and just knowing other people share the same sort of problems. Like you - i had the same with getting out of bed, and finally lost my job.
I think you shouln't be scared of talking to docs etc - I was like this until I had enough and let a friend take me to hospital where I finally realised that I have a problem that is not my fault.
As for the "obsession" i have no experience (at least I don't think i do!! Does a boyfriend count!!" I would talk to your doc our councellor.

Take care and keep posting.
 
nickh

nickh

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Founding Member
Joined
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Messages
1,428
Location
Birmingham UK
Hi Paddy. First off the practical bits - different medications have different effectiveness for different people (sorry about all those differents :)); in fact citalopram (or cipramil as it sometimes known in the UK) is the only one, among a lot, that ever had negative side-effects for me (though for others it now doubt works) - I have taken a lot of other anti-ds without side-effects. Whether you want to take any medication at all is of course another question - there are people on both side of that divide here. Broadly I am on the pro-med side but it is an individual decision - all I am saying here is that because one anti-d has had negative side effects/not worked does not mean that others will have the same effects.

Second there certainly are talking therapies available in Scotland as in the rest of the UK. But I suspect that there just as in England or Wales it may take quite a bit of persistence to get hold of them - but you do need to get back in the NHS 'system' to start. I think doing this is important for you so I would recommend going back to your doctor and starting the process whatever your decision about medication.

Now the personal bit. I'll tell you what I feel comfortable with (well not comfortable but able to!). Basically a little more than 10 years ago my father died and I had some money - I spent this money turning my fantasies into reality by paying for sex - both of a certain kind and in general - alcohol and drugs which also served the purpose of getting me off my head when depressed (self-medication). The problems with this were two fold - first the drugs were very bad for the depression, second I became addicted to the whole experience/scene and didn't stop when I had spent the money but got heavily into debt which created guilt which made the depression worse (not to mention the practical problems!). I was only able to break out of this cycle (which was leading inevitably to suicide) with the help of my brilliant psychotherapist - and even that took a couple of years and was a very hard process. His central lesson for me - and this is of course individual and would not apply in the same way to anyone else - was to learn to distinguish between what he called a good and bad conscience. So a good conscience would stop me taking drugs which made me worse or getting into debt which made me guilty and increased my problems; the bad conscience - which I had to ignore - made me guilty about things which I shouldn't feel guilty about - getting drunk once in a while, paying for sex if I had the money and above all the fantasies themselves. As I have never have the money now the first two don't really apply but the last is very important. Now I emphasise again that all this is very individual and extremely simplified - different solutions would apply for every individual. And even after all this I am still going to be severely depressed from time to time for physiological reasons. But I hope it shows how for one individual a process of psycho-therapy can help even if the problems are dissimilar.

Nick.
 
PaddyMcNasty

PaddyMcNasty

New member
Joined
May 12, 2009
Messages
3
Location
Glasgow
I'm not really scared of talking to the doctors or discussing my depression or anything like that, I just get so frustrated. It's like pulling teeth getting any real help from my doctor and is often fruitless. However, I'm rejoining the one down the road on Monday and they were a lot better if i remember correctly.

The reason I asked about therapy in Scotland is that I read an article on The Mental Health Foundation's website about all depression sufferers (maybe mental illness in general, can't remember precisely) being offered counselling in England (no mention of Scotland) by 2011 and also because of my previously mentioned attempts to get counselling 2 years ago. If persistence is the key then persist I will.

As for anti-depressants, I am very reluctant to take anything from the NHS but did try Salvia through self experimentation because of reports I'd read by a doctor down under and found it actually to be very effective. I'm sure that's a discussion for another thread though.

Nick, maybe our experiences aren't very similar but some things you've said have struck a chord with me. Thinking about it I'm not sure that this obsession is much different from my fixation with flying like Superman (a bit childish I know, but who doesn't want to?) which can invade my thoughts for days on end. I suppose they're both just a way to escape life in my head.

Thanks for everyone's replies, they've been a lot more constructive than I expected. I'm in much higher spirits today, I spent a few days at my Dad's new house out in the countryside. Watched nature go by, got a good bit of exercise (something I need to try and do more often) and haven't had too many obsessive thoughts. I'm not even craving junk food! So I plan on enjoying it today.

Tarra for now!
 
nickh

nickh

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2008
Messages
1,428
Location
Birmingham UK
Very glad you are feeling a bit better today Paddy.

I wouldn't take too much notice of the counselling for all depressives story :rolleyes:. In the first place there is not much evidence of it happening as far as I know, and in the second place it is in any cae very controversial as the 'counselling' being promoted and offered is CBT which is of no use to some depressives (and is actually harmful to some - well me anyway!).

Nick.
 
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