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What's wrong with me?

Kuppii

Kuppii

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Joined
Aug 1, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Turkey
First of all, hello! I just created this account to get things off my chest, please excuse my bad English.

I often feel like everyone's abandoning me, like they're using me like a tissue and throwing me when they're done using me (for example, people hang out with ne a lot when we first meet but then they find better people and stop texting and calling me). That's why I hate myself a lot, I am incapable of communicating like a normal person and even defending myself, so I always avoid arguing with people. I usually feel lonely and avoid looking at messages from group chats since I feel distant from the others. A few days ago, I checked if anyone cared if I don't become online for a while and as I guessed, no one asked me how I'm doing (even though I usually text them if anything's wrong). I sometimes want to, umm, die or something to check if anyone actually cares about me. Yes, I am an attention freak, haha. I even once sent a friend of mine my self harm scars, because I'm a disgusting freak, and she stopped talking to me. Then I selfishly blamed her for ghosting me. After she stopped being my friend, I kinda stopped eating so that she could see I'd changed (which triggered my eating disorder, yes.). Didn't work though, I still hadn't heard from her since.

I also act like a chameleon, I change myself completely if I'm meeting my friends, trying to act cheerful and stuff (I fail miserably though, I end up being tense during the whole meeting). I tried to act more natural before but I didn't know what to do, I feel like I've completely forgotten who I am. I hate myself for this too.

I had gone to a psychiatrist before, but it was for a whole different reason. I was seeing and hearing things and the psychiatrist gave me some meds. Then we went to another psychiatrist and he said my diagnosis and meds were completely wrong. It was a stressful and long process so my parents got tired and decided I should put an end to this myself.

There were some other stuff I wanted to write but I guess I forgot, haha. Sorry if it was too long but I feel much more relaxed that I could write these here. Thanks for reading!
 
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bpd2020

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Hello and welcome to the forum. Please never try to get attention through things like showing self harm marks. It is not fair on the person who may not be able to deal with that. I am sorry you have had experiences with friends leaving you. I know how hurtful that is. It must have been very confusing to have been told different things by each psychiatrist you saw. Do you still see and hear things? Did the second psychiatrist give you any insight into what you are feeling?
 
Kuppii

Kuppii

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Joined
Aug 1, 2020
Messages
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Location
Turkey
Hello and welcome to the forum. Please never try to get attention through things like showing self harm marks. It is not fair on the person who may not be able to deal with that. I am sorry you have had experiences with friends leaving you. I know how hurtful that is. It must have been very confusing to have been told different things by each psychiatrist you saw. Do you still see and hear things? Did the second psychiatrist give you any insight into what you are feeling?
Thank you so much for the reply! I feel incredibly bad that I had done that, so don't worry, I don't do it anymore.
I had gone to the second psychiatrist only once so he only told me that I had anxiety and it caused me to see and hear things, he also scrapped the Risperidone my previous psychiatrist gave me.
I stopped seeing things but I sometimes still hear stuff, but it's not as bad as before.
 
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bpd2020

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You have been given very conflicting advice. Is it possible to find another psychiatrist? It could be the two you saw are not very good at their job. I know it is very difficult to find a good one but it really is worthwhile.
 
Kuppii

Kuppii

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Turkey
You have been given very conflicting advice. Is it possible to find another psychiatrist? It could be the two you saw are not very good at their job. I know it is very difficult to find a good one but it really is worthwhile.
I would really like to, but my parents are really tired of it. They think I'm doing it for attention. So I'm planning on going by myself after I graduate. And you're pretty much right because the first one was awful at her job. She was only looking at her computer, asked me a few questions and gave me the meds. The second was way better, like he actually listened to me but it would've been more acurrate if I had more sessions. Thanks again for the reply :)
 
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bpd2020

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I am really sorry your parents do not understand. It is very hard when our parents have no understanding of how we feel. The first psychiatrist sounds so rude! It is a shame you did not have more time with the second one. I think your idea of going yourself after you graduate sounds good.
You are welcome. :)
 
Kuppii

Kuppii

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Aug 1, 2020
Messages
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Location
Turkey
I am really sorry your parents do not understand. It is very hard when our parents have no understanding of how we feel. The first psychiatrist sounds so rude! It is a shame you did not have more time with the second one. I think your idea of going yourself after you graduate sounds good.
You are welcome. :)
Thanks a lot!! I hope my parents were a little bit more understanding but there's not much to do about it. Hope you have a nice day :thanks:
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
Welcome to the forum,
I agree you should see a different psychiatrist, sorry we can't diagnose on here we're not qualified to do so.
Take care
 
Kuppii

Kuppii

Member
Joined
Aug 1, 2020
Messages
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Location
Turkey
Hi,
Welcome to the forum,
I agree you should see a different psychiatrist, sorry we can't diagnose on here we're not qualified to do so.
Take care
Thanks a lot, I will do so after my graduation. Hopefully I can find a good one! :)
 
Lance__

Lance__

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Oct 21, 2019
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262
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Spain
Hello Kuppii, :welcome: to the forum. I hope you can find yourself here safe and comfortable enough to express your feelings; people here is very kind and respectful.
I'm sorry to hear everything you have suffered, and more seeing that your parents are not very supportive. I hope you can find a caring therapist after your graduation, it can really make a difference. And please don't hate yourself. You deserve being cared and loved, not only from others, but mainly from yourself. Remember that you are the most important person in your live. And that you, and your feelings, matter.
 
Kuppii

Kuppii

Member
Joined
Aug 1, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Turkey
Hello Kuppii, :welcome: to the forum. I hope you can find yourself here safe and comfortable enough to express your feelings; people here is very kind and respectful.
I'm sorry to hear everything you have suffered, and more seeing that your parents are not very supportive. I hope you can find a caring therapist after your graduation, it can really make a difference. And please don't hate yourself. You deserve being cared and loved, not only from others, but mainly from yourself. Remember that you are the most important person in your live. And that you, and your feelings, matter.
Thank you so much, hearing this makes me so happy! I do try not to hate myself and I can confidently say I've been getting better, haha :) Thanks a lot, once more!! :thanks::dance::loveshower:
 
Kuppii

Kuppii

Member
Joined
Aug 1, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Turkey
That's really good to hear ^^ and I love your profile image, so cute!
Haha, thanks! Spongebob has been my favourite cartoon ever since I was a child, I still watch some of my favourite episodes :)
 
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