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What's wrong with me?

Daniilove25

Daniilove25

Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Alabama
I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for years now but have only been on medications for roughly a year, I see a psychiatrist every 3 months but I don't trust him and I'm not comfortable talking to him at all, after telling him none of my medications felt like they were working I got hit with a "Well, I guess I have to believe you." Thanks asshat, because these antidepressants not working totally fucking benefits me?! Why would I lie, it's not like I'm taking narcotics.
Anywho, I started seeing a therapist but have been so tight on money that I haven't been able to afford to go this year, we only had about three or four sessions at the end of last year but I was getting comfortable and opening up to her before all my financial issues hit.
I desperately want to talk to her about what I'm about to ask you guys about but I just can't afford to go right now, and if I'm being honest I'm terrified of saying something that will get me thrown into a mental hospital.
So to the point of my post:
I have had practically obsessive, recurring thoughts about rape, me being raped for the most part, I do have a little bit of a history of sexual abuse but nothing terrible, my uncle had me do things, but sex was never one of them, and I had a babysitter who would make me masturbate with her. Like I said- nothing super traumatic. But I don't know if those things okay into the obsession, I'm really looking for ways to control it and not think about it as much because it's almost constantly through out the day that I think about it. I want it to happen to me, but I don't, because I know logically it could be very dangerous, if I knew I 100% would not be murdered or have permanent injuries then I can honestly say I would want it to happen to the point I would put myself into dangerous situations. But I guess it's technically not rape since I would want it to happen, but when I think about it I always imagine I've changed my mind but it's at the point where I obviously can't stop it. I always imagine it rough and humiliating, sometimes with more severe injuries like being stabbed but usually just scratches and bruises. I want to work through these thoughts and make them go away because they take up so much of my time and energy and then I feel guilty for wanting these things to happen when I know how many people are traumatized from things happening to them.
If you have any advice for me I'd really appreciate it, please don't tell me to see a therapist because as I said, I want to, but currently it's not financially possible.
I would also like to know if these thoughts could put me into a situation where I have to worry about being committed when I'm finally able to see my therapist again? I have a good job and I could lose it if that happened. Please don't be rude or judgemental because I'm having an extremely hard time with all of this. I would feel better if it was just fleeting thoughts but it's all the time..
TIA, Danielle.
 
Daniilove25

Daniilove25

Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Alabama
I don't know, my psychiatrist and therapist never mentioned thinking I had OCD issues and I don't feel like I do. I have mild things that my s.o thinks makes me OCD but I've seen people with OCD and I wouldn't classify myself under the same thing as them. Sometimes I have to fix things but it's not always, something that bothers me one day might not bother me another day. This is the only thing I feel that ive had an unhealthy obsession with.
 
L

linus

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 27, 2019
Messages
510
Location
Eastern Europe
Hi Danielle,

We all have thoughts that we are ashamed of, that doesn't make you a bad person. In the end it's your choice if you choose to hurt somebody else and this is where you make a difference.
Most likely what you have is an automated reaction/behaviour to a certain trigger and it doesn't go through a thorough analysis in your mind. What you could is try to observe what kind of stimulus triggers these thoughts (stress, certain things) and "force" yourself to behave differently. I don't see why talking to a therapist would put you in a hospital, that's what they are there for, to help you in advance so you don't get to a hospital after a real issue.
Take care!
 
Daniilove25

Daniilove25

Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Alabama
How do you "force" yourself not to think about things though?
 
L

linus

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 27, 2019
Messages
510
Location
Eastern Europe
I didn't say force to think, you should never try to do that, just leave the thoughts to come, observe, let them pass and focus on something close to you (like in the mindfulness idea).
 
Daniilove25

Daniilove25

Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Alabama
But they are coming frequently, and they just seem to get worse each time, I can be in the middle of a game, watching a movie, cooking, working, they just keep coming and I want to stop them but I cant, they get so bad sometimes that I can't focus on anything else.
 
B

bipolarbear9

Member
Joined
Mar 6, 2019
Messages
6
Location
United Kingdom
I'd recommend seeking help for sexual abuse, as although you say they weren't 'super traumatic' experiences I think youre most likely brushing them aside consciously because its easier. The images of rape youre having will be linked to that as they have the same connotations of being violated. I've had similar experiences myself and am waiting for therapy to work through the issues when I should have done it a lot sooner. What you experienced was traumatic and you deserve to get help to make sense of it all.
 
L

linus

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 27, 2019
Messages
510
Location
Eastern Europe
Ok, then try to practice mindfulness techniques when this happens until you can talk to a therapist. Don't be afraid to talk directly from day one about what's bothering you most. It's not really important what happened to you before, but what you can do from now on.
 
TroubleinParadise

TroubleinParadise

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2018
Messages
183
Location
South Africa
I'd like to add that I believe that we don't really know what could potentially traumatize us. Even if it's not conventionally traumatizing; it still has the potential to traumatize - trauma is a thing of the individual.
 
Daniilove25

Daniilove25

Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Alabama
I don't consider them traumatic because they don't effect my every day Life, some of my fantasies/obsessive thoughts as embarrassing as they are involve the perpetrators, and if I can get off to thoughts about that it seems like it must not have really hurt me.
 
TroubleinParadise

TroubleinParadise

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2018
Messages
183
Location
South Africa
I don't consider them traumatic because they don't effect my every day Life, some of my fantasies/obsessive thoughts as embarrassing as they are involve the perpetrators, and if I can get off to thoughts about that it seems like it must not have really hurt me.
Obsessions usually relate to the things that you don't actually want to be; there's also a term called groinal response; bit grotesque yes, but in some way relevant. Perhaps you're not actually attracted to these things - but rather are so scared that you could become these things; that it ends up a self-fulfilling prophecy of the mind - and only the mind.
 
L

linus

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 27, 2019
Messages
510
Location
Eastern Europe
Whenever I get very stressed (for example at work sometimes) I get sexually aroused and feel like having sex on-spot or masturbate. Of course I hold myself, but usually as soon as I get home that’s what I do. I got into this circle a long time ago, but it doesn’t affect my life too much, although I would like the change the way I calm myself. The point is I have a trigger for this, I can identify it.
 
TroubleinParadise

TroubleinParadise

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 28, 2018
Messages
183
Location
South Africa
Whenever I get really stressed I have an impulsive desire to eat; and eat continually. I can't control it really; and the feeling won't fade quickly. It's the same sort of thing.

Your desire is not fueled by desire, but by angst.

Just like my desire to eat is not fueled by a gluttony problem, but rather because I'm anxious. It's a coping mechanism.
 
I

Ian Haines

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 5, 2012
Messages
153
Location
Merseyside, North West England.
While it seems not like OCD...(A Google search)...

"What are the 4 types of OCD?

Types of OCD include fears of contamination, compulsive checking for completion, fears of harming others, ordering and arranging objects in specific ways, and aggressive, violent, or sexual thoughts.".


Your libido is part of the issue, even if you feel no such thing as sexual need. Locating and measuring your sexual need, and releasing it through sex or masturbation is essential. To my view, what you're fantasising about is harmless. The degree to which you are experiencing these fantasies is indicative of an underlying anxiety layer that is not being adequately processed away.

What you're thinking/fantasising about is found so often in both genders, it's not worth assuming that it's any form of mental illness. You have an appetite and it must be satiated.

As to the actual occurrence of these thoughts: Sometimes, to rid yourself of an obsessive thought, you must fight the need to stop thinking it. While you're doing other things would be best...you can't give 100% of attention to both, so doing things will help, obviously.

QUESTION: Is this a formerly (a) normal (for you) and (b) in-control sexual fantasy of yours?

It's a genuine question and masturbation/intercourse fantasies sometimes do stick in this manner. You can try for decades and you will not shock me about sexual fantasies...I've been told people's fantasies, in the past, to the point whereat others would suicide themselves so as to not think it.

Before I close this reply, however, I'd just like to say that you're an incredibly brave woman for telling us this, at all. You started killing your problem when you took the lid off it, like this.

Ian.
 
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