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What's wrong with me?

C

Clancy82

Guest
I think I've been mentally poorly since childhood due to many traumatic events. I'm now 32 and work full time and have 4 children. I feel I've been trying to cope with my mental health and two months ago I just couldn't any longer. I think the psychiatric nurse put it down to anxiety but I feel that it's more. My symptoms are-

Loss of memory from most of my childhood and up to now, people talk about quite significant events in my past and I have literally no recollection of them happening.

Self harm, like I've got this really intense feeling inside of me that's just got to do it. I very rarely drink (like twice a year) but I seem to self distruct and have to drink and hurt myself and become slightly histerical, I feel like I've no control over it.

Scary random thoughts that pop into my head out of no where, like one night I felt so down I thought of bringing myself to a and e because I felt so empty and down. I then had a clear image of watching myself walking into hospital and I had a plastic bag with me, I thought I wonder what I have in the bag, when I looked it was my children chopped up. I was imagining this as a second me, not the me holding the bag. I freaked out.

Constant worry that something bad is going to happen to me or the children

I get thoughts of if my plant dies then I do too. So I get anxious about keeping it alive.

Running commentary in my head which gets annoying

Random loud words popping into my head like "help me!" I wasn't thinking anything or distressed at the time.

The thought of people like doctors etc touching me makes me panic and I imagine getting a gun or knife to keep them away. It's a horrible fear.

Every now and again when I'm not feeling bad or depressed I can be talking to someone then suddenly my head becomes jumbled I feel like one million thoughts are happening but I couldn't tell what was being thought, I feel confused and disconnected and it feels like lots and lots of loud noises in my head. The thoughts are extremely rapid. None of the thoughts make sense. After ten mins or maybe less they stop.

There are probably other symptoms too but can't think of them all. If anyone can shed some light on it that would be great x
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Sep 29, 2013
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Hi and :welcome:

Nobody on the forum is a doctor and so were not really qualified to give a diagnosis, for that you'll need to find a sympathetic psychiatrist. But away from the world of labels and drugs we can probably help give you a few pointers about things to read up on, and here on the forum you'll probably find people who have experienced similar things.

First of all I'd have a look at intrusive thoughts. You may be suffering from that, given what you say about scary random thoughts. Loss of memory could be due to traumatic events, has anything happened recently or in the past associated with these events you've forgotten?

Perhaps other forum goers will shed more light on these things, good luck!
 
SarahD

SarahD

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Oct 21, 2014
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Hello Clancy

Why don't you take a written note of everything - just like you have written here, to the doctor. I think you explain your experiences clearly, but if you are like me it is easy to forget things or find you are not able to explain at the doctors. S/he will probably refer you to a psychiatrist and hopefully you can get some help and reassurance. A lot of people do experience intrusive thoughts that can be very upsetting, it doesn't mean terrible things will happen. If you have had long term problems you should try and find out what is happening.
 
C

Clancy82

Guest
I had a meeting with a psychiatric nurse but I don't know the outcome really. I have had many traumatic events from abuse from my father as a child and it only stopped when my big sister came home, my sister died when I was 13. I've had two violent partners, my brother who has scitzophrinia
 
C

Clancy82

Guest
I had a meeting with a psychiatric nurse but I don't know the outcome really. I have had many traumatic events from abuse from my father as a child and it only stopped when my big sister came home, my sister died when I was 13. I've had two violent partners, my brother who has mental health problems attacked me with a massive kitchen knife five years ago when he was psychotic. Two weeks after that my violent partner whom I chucked out got into my house and held me hostage for two hours. Last year my sons dad who I split up with 13 years ago sexually assaulted me and he's in prison now. Although these all seem quite bad I have been going to work and just pretending these things didn't happen. The day after my ex partner sexually assaulted me I went to work and did a 13 hour shift. It's just the past two months that all these problems have become so intense. I seem to have this v angry and protective side to me that I feel I can't control that's surfaced. I have another appointment with doc early April beca he's put me on sertaline these past two months. I'll have a chat to him then. Thank you x
 
SarahD

SarahD

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Oct 21, 2014
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Location
UK
Sorry to hear you have been through so many terrible things. Sometimes we do just keep going at the time, sometimes there seems no alternative. But quite often sooner or later we have to deal with traumatic experiences we have had. I am glad you are getting some help. Have you thought about therapy?
 
C

Clancy82

Guest
Oh yeah I forgot about that totally. The nurse said she will get my doctor to refer me to CBT I'm going to try it but the defensive aggressive me comes out when I talk to people I don't know. Not physically aggressive just defensive and confrontational. It's v frustrating. But I'll de give it a go x
 
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