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what's wrong with me?

mark payne

mark payne

Active member
Joined
Dec 22, 2014
Messages
36
i dont know if you guys remember me or not but yea i'm still alive and yes i still in hospital,half of my family are now sure that i lose my mind everybody say mark get crazy and they took him hospital, i feel so weak really really weak i never ever was so weak before i feel ashamed so ashamed i can't be ok i just feel it's impossible to feel ok again i'm scared i'm so so scared of everything, i'm scared to fight for my rights i'm scared to say i like something for example before if i liked something i say i like it and if someone tell me it's not good i will fight them and tell them no i like it and i will get it but now if they tell me no its not good i will tell them ok i feel i become an other person a complettely broken person, my psy doctor was making fun of me when i told him of what i think and why i become this way he was laughing so hard and he told me i've hepled so many people with different problems but its the first time to hear this things no one ever told me this before ...
what i told him is (for the ones who dont know why i'm in hospital cause of HOCD)
i told him i dont wanna be a homo (i'm 10000% a straight dude ) i have ocd about it so he told me you will not ...i was reading so many things and i was sure that i won't be this way i felt ok for a while but some ideas came in my mind the ideas was this

we are all born female or man right !! and any straight dude if you tell him you will have a lot of girls he will be complettly happy but what if you tell him u will have girls forever and in heaven too u will have everything and a lot of beautiful women and that FOREVER will not he get bored someday from all that and think about go to a man or want to be a woman!! that thing make me so angry i mean what if heaven really exist ..i dont wanna be this way EVER!! i mean i know the subject sound insane but just think about it!! and be honest i'm 100% right ...yea?!!

also ask your self this question!!
i was born a male they told me how i should act how i should talk the things i have to like and to do and things i have to hate they told me to be harsh to no be sensitive and to go for women.

also a girl they told her to be sensitive to love men and to be flirting and sexy and attract a man
its like we r programmed we didn't chose we never had a choice
is everything around us even real!!!

also one thing and that thing is the thing make me so f*** angry and one of thing i'm here in hospital it's that all my family they like push me to marry fast and the subject make me angry i love women but i cant imagine my self live with one in the same house for the rest of my life!! i have a phobia of not be enough also my gf always told me i have confident problem i always feel less then other guys if i see a guy with his gf do something for her i will do the same to my gf but i will have that feeling its not the same and i'm less!! i'm so lost and broken anyone here can say something even if it can make me 1% feel better i will be thankful forever please!
 
mark payne

mark payne

Active member
Joined
Dec 22, 2014
Messages
36
it's seems you dont care too, i always knew death is the only solution.
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 25, 2014
Messages
4,861
Im not too sure exactly what it is you're asking for help with?
If your doctor is laughing at you then maybe its time to find a new one?
 
M

Mastiff mom

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 22, 2014
Messages
1,157
Location
Washington,DC
Dear Mark, I care but I had a little trouble understanding your post and what you're looking for. Are you fearful you might have homosexual urges? Is your main concern a lack of confidence with women? I ask that because you mention following the ways other men treat their gf's. Regardless of my confusion, I hope you begin to feel better. Hugs.
 
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