I haven't felt like a whole person for many many years, but it's only been since I started talking about Beth again that thi feeling has got worse and worse. So many times at work, when my boss and me have been talking about stuff, I've wanted to say something. But every time I bite my lip or
I change the subject to stop me saying those words. It's not even that I want her sympathy, but just to have her 'know'

. Everyone around me seems to have the full package, you know. Kids, mortgage, husband, a proper life, nice holidays. Hell right now though, just a smile would be nice. It's weird but all my life growing up I always felt like my life would come to nothing, and it really is just 'nothing'. Ok so I have a job I love, but I throw myself in to it so almost fullfill my very much needed mothering and nuture side of me. I don't really know what I'm even trying to say here, but it's how I am feeling, and what makes me struggle every day.
Then there's my situation at work. This last week or so has been so so stressful. My fabulous boss had an op to remove her tumour on Tuesday morning, she looks dreadful. On friday she said she was finding it really hard being around whilst her kids were being looked after and not being able to do anything. Like she was stuck on the outside. God I don't want her to ever feel like that, it's made me feel really crap, and I was just trying to get on and have her not need to worry about anything. But maybe I'm doing too much, and she feels pushed out. Jesus the last thing I want is for her to feel incompetant and not needed

. Everything is feeling very muddled and maybe much bigger than it needs to be, and now I'm crying because I've got it out. I'm scared about what the next few months could mean for that wonderful family, and how am I going to be any good to them like this