whats the bloody point

[bubbling under]

all I do is hold everyone else up, work and homelife. Even my gp bamboozled me last night, advising me to have this that and the other pill, make me go for a fasting bloodtest, actually what's the bloody point in this thead when I don't even know what I'm saying. I hate feeling like this, no one really gives a shit, mainly because I 'pretend' to just be tired. Actually I am, I slept from 6.30-9.30 last night, then 12.30-6.45 this morning. Everythings really on top of me and I don't know what the bloody hell to do about it

 

[*Sapphire*]

BU you have had a huge amount to deal with in the last year, please try not to beat yourself up about it. You're probably feeling tired because the amount of grief and emotions you have been and are still going through, it is physically and mentally exhausting.

Is there a chance you can take a break? A week off to absorb all of this, get away or reconnect with your family? I really feel for you because in the time I have known you you have gone from one tragedy to another and none of it is your doing.

I'm begining to realise myself that it is important to get a balance in your life between work and play. I know you used to do your dance but had to stop as things were overwhelming you, but I wonder if its the things you enjoy you should stick with right now if it's the dancing you really enjoy.

I know in the nature of your job it is hard to detach yourself, well almost impossible unless you are an uncaring person, but maybe going for a swim or a walk or seeing a friend on the way home will help you to leave their problems there so you can get home and live your life.

I hope you sleep well hun and have a good and relaxing weekend. Try not to let thoughts of the mum with cancer overwhelm you and enjoy your time off, i'm sure it is what the mum would want you to do.

 

[bubbling under]

Sapph I know, and Beths anniversary is looming on feb14th as well. I am feeling totally emotionally and mentally swamped, it's a small miracle I haven't had a totla breakdown tbh.

the whole weeks been rubbish, but I'll try and get some weekend.

Sapph I just feel so bogged down, and I don't feel like I can spill it all out to my family or friends, because me doing that either means me hearing the words or seeing them iukwim, I don't have the energy and I'm afraid it will all tumble out making me sound as pathetic as i feel

 

[iffybob]

Eventualy

You are going to have to get it out some time, and doing it in your time and place is better than it just comming out when it finaly breaks.....

 

[*Sapphire*]

Oh BU i want to give you such a big hug at the moment, i really feel for you.

I know, it is harder in some ways to speak to family about these things than total strangers, there are so many fears, concerns and worries about that for most people, but maybe if you spend some time with them and friends to take a break from it and maybe not talk about it? It's only a suggestion.

You are certainly not pathetic. Most people would struggle to cope with the amount of tragedies you have been through of late, and of course dear Beth. I think you have done really well to get through it as well as you have, I consider you a strong person BU aside from your thoughts of being pathetic. But I don't want you to put on a front here after me having said that. If it helps, let it all out here or to someone on here. It certainly helps me to express thoughts, emotions and feelings on here to virtual strangers that I have difficulty expressing to my friends and family. In fact of late i think it has been most helpful to my recovery.

What's the blood test for?

 

[bubbling under]

thyroid, diabetes, liver function and anaemia. My gp's already put me on propranolol because my bp is high. Sapph it feels like I'm falling apart, not just in my body, but my minds in trouble. I don't want to write it all out tnight or I won;t sleep, heck I'm alreday getting upset about it all.

thanks sapph xx

 

[*Sapphire*]

Sorry hun I did not mean for you to get upset. Your BP might be high from all the pressure you are under. If you are feeling stressed it is likely to be mental stress. Try to relax this weekend if you can, take complete R&R.

I hope you manage to sleep well tonight

 

[bubbling under]

sapph you haven't upset me, it's me wanting to talk but not feeling able is all, just crap timing on my part

thanks x

 

[mad as a hatter]

hi bu

i don,t know what 2 say really except i,m thinkin about u and try take care ur self please

 

[starfish]

b u

i dont know you and you dont know me. all i do know is that life can be tough. take care of yourself, because if you dont you will crack. how about the samaritans.?

 

[bubbling under]

I haven't felt like a whole person for many many years, but it's only been since I started talking about Beth again that thi feeling has got worse and worse. So many times at work, when my boss and me have been talking about stuff, I've wanted to say something. But every time I bite my lip or I change the subject to stop me saying those words. It's not even that I want her sympathy, but just to have her 'know' . Everyone around me seems to have the full package, you know. Kids, mortgage, husband, a proper life, nice holidays. Hell right now though, just a smile would be nice. It's weird but all my life growing up I always felt like my life would come to nothing, and it really is just 'nothing'. Ok so I have a job I love, but I throw myself in to it so almost fullfill my very much needed mothering and nuture side of me. I don't really know what I'm even trying to say here, but it's how I am feeling, and what makes me struggle every day.

Then there's my situation at work. This last week or so has been so so stressful. My fabulous boss had an op to remove her tumour on Tuesday morning, she looks dreadful. On friday she said she was finding it really hard being around whilst her kids were being looked after and not being able to do anything. Like she was stuck on the outside. God I don't want her to ever feel like that, it's made me feel really crap, and I was just trying to get on and have her not need to worry about anything. But maybe I'm doing too much, and she feels pushed out. Jesus the last thing I want is for her to feel incompetant and not needed . Everything is feeling very muddled and maybe much bigger than it needs to be, and now I'm crying because I've got it out. I'm scared about what the next few months could mean for that wonderful family, and how am I going to be any good to them like this

 

[iffybob]

Not ...?

I dont think that she feels resentful, just that nobody likes to be ill, and that maybe she would like to do more than she is capable and feels frustrated thats all ......

 

[4evalost]

BU