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What's right and what's not?

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Nj235

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Jan 15, 2015
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Not sure if anyone can actually answer or if it's more just to express myself but I was previously in an abusive relationship. My current relationship is very up and down. I'm now confused though with what's a 'normal' relationship argument and what's mental abuse
 
Jimny

Jimny

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Hi NJ, You may need to give some examples. You say your current relationship is 'up and down'? A 'normal' relationship is very hard to define, what's 'normal'?
 
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Nj235

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I guess when arguing, what's right, it's hard to explain, how much name calling and swearing is appropriate kinda thing
 
Jimny

Jimny

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i always found arguing takes two participants, remove one and its just some one shouting.
I always have found name calling abusive and I am sure many would agree that it is abuse. Personally I have just come out of an abusive relationship, most of the damage was done with words.
It's an easy trap to fall in to when some one calls somebody a name and the other retaliates in the same manner. I tried this but found it hurt me even more.
Can I ask how long have you been with this person?
 
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Nj235

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Nearly 5 years. I don't do the whole name calling thing cos I know it hurts
 
Jimny

Jimny

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I don't wish to sound intrusive, you don't have to answer my questions.
It does hurt, short and long term. I assume it's the other person who calls the names, has this been a recent development?
i know that I had wished in my situation that had my boundaries been firmer I would have walked when the name calling started, I will never accept that again.
 
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Nj235

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Probably not that recent, maybe after a year but we tend to have periods of getting on ok and then periods of it being bad.
I said exactly the same after my previous relationship but now I'm wondering if I'm there again.
I didn't accept myprevious relationship was abusive till after it
 
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Nj235

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And like 'threats' again I don't know if this is normal. I said to him that if he's that unhappy then he should leave, I then get told 'don't tempt me' .

Then another text from him,

If you want me to change my mind just say. If not then for your own good, shut your mouth

I mean I don't know if I over think or that's normal relationship stuff, I drive myself mad wondering!
 
Jimny

Jimny

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I didn't accept mine was either and then I went in to another worse one.
What made some sense to me recently (when in the relationship I just seemed to refuse to listen to anyone) was 'what would you advise your best friend if this were happening to them'.
 
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Nj235

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I don't have any friends!
But I really don't know, I grew up with my parents never arguing at all, to go into an abusive relationship. That's why I'm unsure how it should be
 
Jimny

Jimny

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Have you spoke to each other or thought about relationship Councelling? Might be a good idea to get your opinions across without the aggressive response in a mediated situation.
 
Jimny

Jimny

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I am not sure of the cost implications, I just looked at Relates website which does not mention costs. Might be worth a look?
 
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Nj235

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They charge too and I doubt it's something he'd do to be honest
 
Jimny

Jimny

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They do but they also have subsidised rates. I see a subsidised therapist and am happy with the service I receive.
Perhaps if you mentioned how you are unable to voice your opinions without a row ensuing in one of the quieter moments he may agree.
 
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