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whats my problem?

S

saf75

Member
Joined
Mar 23, 2015
Messages
19
I've come to the realisation that I have only one person that cares about me.
I've held off depression in it's worst form that I've experienced by deluding myself that other associates were more than associates based on their ability to say what will give them gratification at the moment they say it. Friends? No I have associates. I've abandoned suicide, it has been a thing I've failed at a few times. Only the last go at it about 8 yrs ago was know to anyone, I managed to hide the others as accidents. It was the reaction of family and friends whilst I was in hospital that jolted my mind out of being able to put them through that again. I no longer have that family or friends, I have just the one left and I'm slowly convincing myself she would fair better without the hassle of me in her life.
I don't intend to harm myself, I just think minimal contact and distance would help her and maybe allow me to wallow in self pity that I'm clearly yearning?
My heads a total mess. I think, why would i distance myself from her? That only hurts me. She's the only person I have left that I know genuinely cares about me.
I don't hardly go out of the house, I go out one a fort night or so with her and one a fortnight for food shopping, if I run out I don't eat. I've gone 10 days without getting out of bed for anything including food and water. I've been laid here since Saturday now and think this is maybe my way out. I've done this regularly over the past 2yrs and don't suffer at all till I finally get up. I think this is maybe my way.
 
S

saf75

Member
Joined
Mar 23, 2015
Messages
19
I will probably go out tomorrow, It's my fortnightly shopping trip day.
I don't generally feel sorry for myself and don't really now either. It's more angry or frustrated or disappointed with other people, which makes me really want to cut them out of my life. Not our Joanne! I really love her and know she cares. She's my cousin by the way. She's amazing, but I rely on her too much. I don't have her actually do anything for me, I just go out with her maybe once a fortnight or once a month. But thats all I do so maybe I'm too dependent on her?
I have so many fuckin issues it just mashes my head every now and then.
I find it hard to talk to therapists or anyone who I don't know or I'm not comfortable with.
I can't even talk to r Jo about these things that plague me.
Think maybe I need to go back to cmht. I just dont want them coming to my home, and don't want to end up on a mental ward again.
I really want better for myself but can't see anyway forward. There's just too many things preventing me progressing. I have spoken to a couple of people in past and felt a kind of relief afterwards yet here I am with the same issues so does it help?
Fuck it I'll call cmht tomorrow, what harm can it do? If I get sectioned I can lay in their bed as easily as mine.
 
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