- Apr 12, 2020
- St. louis
Want to know more about it
i cant type properlyEmotional regulation (pr lack of it) is what i struggle with most with bpd.
its awful and i would do anything to swap it for any other disorder.
i also have learning difficulties which does not help either
Perfect descriptionI can give a list of experiences... they might well seem melodramatic, but then BPD is like that. Well, mine is at least...
It's having no emotional defences. Nothing. Others' harsh words burn into you like acid, and their disdainful expressions sear through you like lasers. External negativity is a white heat; pure, unrestrained, emotional agony.
It's wanting nothing more than to be loved... wanting it too much; you're too high when you think you might get it, too low when things aren't - or just don't seem to be - going your way, and the speed with which you're able to switch from one extreme to the other is too fast. It's all too much of too much... it puts other people off, and sometimes it puts you off because you come to resent the power that the other person holds over you. The way they can make you and break you and make you again so completely without even trying. Often without even knowing. Sometimes you even hate the other person for the way that feeling as though you're not good enough for them causes you to hate yourself.
It's never quite being able to know who you are and what you're capable of... extremes of personality so far apart that it's hard to reconcile everything into a single, consistent, coherent entity. You're... more... than one person, but paradoxically less for that fact.
It's never being able to plan, to build, because so many things can just pull the rug out from under your feet at any time. Stability is the foundation of personal progress - certainly in the material sense - but BPD makes stability erratic at best, and impossible at worst. And anything you try to construct without foundations will inevitably fall to pieces at the first sign of inclement weather... it's plain and simple physics.
It's never being able to be anything, because life is less about what you're capable of at your best, and more about what you're still able to manage at your worst, and BPD just leaves you completely incapable. Of anything. It leaves you in bed, in the dark, catatonic, minutes feeling like hours, hours feeling like days, wanting to die and having to keep fighting the urge to make that happen. And it's a seductive urge, because it promises to take the pain away.
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