• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Whatever this is is what I have

G

glitterbug

New member
Joined
Mar 9, 2010
Messages
1
I've never done anything remotely like this before, so apologies in advance - it may end up long, dull and rambling.

Last night, I was headed to a meeting, and in that moment, I was sad. It was a clean sadness, like you feel at the end of a sad film. The emotion is pure, all encompassing, and baseless. There is nothing to fix, no link between this feeling and my life. It’s a blue-white feeling that takes me back to being a child, to Pogs and The Spice Girls, and the all consuming tragedy of not being a child anymore. It was sitting in the car, drowning in the thickness of it, on my way to a meeting I’d organised when I was someone else.

Because there are other moments when the world is blurred and colourful and I have so much energy it frightens me. In those moments I can taste every breath I’m taking, I can’t make my thoughts move slowly enough to listen. I find myself surprised by what I’m saying or doing, because I missed the part where I made the decision. Those are the days when things are orange, and my mouth tastes of blood or vomit, and the thought of having to sleep fills me with dread. That was how I felt when I arranged that meeting, but it faded, and then the world went blue.

And this moment was a blue moment, and the thought of having to speak to people and pretend to be something upset me, unsettled me, and I couldn’t be bothered. At that moment there was no doubting what I saw in front of me - I knew that none of these people liked me, or had any interest in me, that they judged me, I knew it. And I didn’t know how to act. When I’m optimistic, I resolve to be talkative and enthusiastic, no matter what I’m feeling. When I’m angry, I resolve to wash my hands of it all, no matter what later occurs to me. When I’m swallowed with self loathing I resolve to be someone else, and I pick a different character each time. When I’m resolved, I remind myself not to get drawn into it all next time. And then I’m actually there, remembering a hundred different things I promised myself I would do right now, and I don't know which one to go with, and I can’t listen to my own head, because my own head is telling me to cry, to run, to stay quiet, and I look at the people who so proudly brought me here...and I know that’s not right...

Eventually I’ll cry, and then I might feel better, or I might feel empty. I might be able to let go of all the hurt and anger and breathe a sigh of relief and sleep, or I might just cry until there is nothing at all left and feel so miserable that I’ve run out of tears along with everything else. Eventually the sadness becomes anger and the blue becomes red, or black. Red when I’m annoyed at other people, Black when I’m annoyed at myself. Red are the days that I can’t believe you dared to judge me. Red are the days that I’m overwhelmed by my workload and furious at everyone who asks me a favour, or calls me up on anything, or dares to ask me if I’m free later that day. Black are the days when I can’t believe I did the thing you’re judging me for. Black are the days when I chastise myself for making those promises, and being too much of a twat to keep them. I’ll withdraw, or lash out, or do neither because I know I can’t but, again, not knowing what to do instead.

Thoughts burst into my head uninvited all of the time. It’s almost a separate person, almost in a different voice, which will remind me of that lie, that mistake, that forgotten ambition while I’m sitting minding my own business somewhere else. I know that feeling, like all of the air leaves your gut. I’ve caught myself, before now, physically reacting to it, violently shaking my head or throwing my arms around myself, as if it will help. The longer I live, the more that voice has to say. I inwardly cringe all of the time for an ever longer list of embarrassments and failures and I’m never safe from them. People ask me why I don’t open up and talk about this, but whenever I have it just adds to the problem. The greatest relationships I’ve had have been ruined by my opening up, sullied and spoiled and left like a trail of browning fruit through every group I’ve ever been a part of. I like a person, so I trust a person, so I tell a person and then I’m endlessly embarrassed forever by what they know, by the realisation that they’ll never see me the same again, and always – always – by the crippling disappointment that I didn’t tell it right. Because how can I hope to say all of this, when all of this isn’t even right and would read entirely differently if I’d started it in a different mood. So then, having started with the problem that I’m presented myself incorrectly and badly, I present myself incorrectly and badly to someone whose opinion I care about. I don’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want to be like this.

And after a while, it all goes grey. My life, as it stands, is grey. I can’t find meaning or hope in anything, because I don’t know what I would change. Sometimes I look at this office and this life and I realise that we’re all just living and dying, that none of it matters. There are nights when I feel sick at the thought of having to return to work, angry with myself or the world for the situation I’m in, frightened by the time I’m losing, panicked into making all sorts of plans ... and then grey. A feeling like I’d fallen asleep while I’m still awake, the knowing that I’ll get up, go to work, do nothing, come home, do nothing...that nothing changes, and all of a sudden I don’t care. And then the plans I make when I’m optimistic seem stupid and the girl who made them stupider still, and I kick myself for ever making them public, for resolving to do anything. The ignored plans and the ‘one days’ just get added to the sullied friendships and half finished notebooks and ignored career ambitions that this little voice can use to torment me, and I realise that enough of them make you into a certain type of person, one that I don’t want to be, but I realise that I’ve come too far and there isn’t anything I can do and I try to sleep.

I’m terrified of being alone but I long for solitude. I long for quiet and a clear view to start from, that’s all. I used to daydream. It’s why I always had my headphones on. I would sit somewhere with lots of people and block them all out and think about something unrelated to my life, some imaginary world that I could control, that couldn’t accidentally lead to some thought on my weight or my bank balance or whatever. But after a while I found myself getting frustrated, never being able to listen to a song in full, never finding the right one. I don’t quite know when, but my new favourite thing to do was to smoke weed, on my own, and put my headphones on. Then I started to drink. I skipped the social side of things completely, for the longest time I didn’t see the point of smoking or drinking unless I was on my own. Then I would relax, and I could stop seeing the world divided into 15 minute sections or setting myself deadlines for when I would have to sober up and do something...I always had to be doing something, I was always panicking... but then I started writing whole evenings off. I would invent worlds, and picture myself drunk or high at parties and the laughs I would have – but I had no interest in actually having those laughs. That was literally all I wanted to do. Then, when I drank with friends, the same thing would happen. I would drink, and my thoughts would slow down just a bit, and I’d like it and then I’d drink more. I’d never just be there; I was always trying to build something. I went to uni and saw a brightly coloured, computer generated student life, a caricature, something that wasn’t the me I didn’t like, so I tried to be that. I met a girl whose life was an artistic, hedonistic life, a caricature, something that wasn’t the me I didn’t like...and so on. But I was none of those things, and I always felt uncomfortable, I was always thinking how I should react, how this me who wasn’t me would react. And I can’t do anything slowly, and I was feeling warmer after the first one, so I had another drink and too quickly, and the things I was trying to build became less coherent and less controlled and then I’d wake up the next day...and there was plenty more for that little voice.

Except the day there wasn’t. There was the morning I woke up and I just...didn’t care. Didn’t think anything at all. I knew I should apologise. I drank a bottle of wine I found on the tube. I fell asleep at Zizzi’s. But what could I say? I’m sorry? Heard it before. I won’t do it again? Oh, but I will. So instead I just didn’t say a word. Did the same thing the next weekend. Did worse.

I’m so tired. I stop myself mid flow all of the time, exhausted, telling myself I can’t be arsed...and I can’t. But then I can’t sit in silence, I have to think something, I have to be someone. I fantasise about running away all the time. I think about just walking off and keeping walking. I honestly can’t think of an ambition I’d be sorry to give up or a possession I’d be sat to lose, genuinely. Just people, people who I’ve put through so much and who I will never do that to. I know I’ll never kill myself, which doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to die. I fantasise about being diagnosed with cancer sometimes. I am categorically never happy any more, not even when I’m 'up'. When I'm 'up' I have energy, but it's always fear or anger now. I dislike almost everything about myself and spend every moment of my life plotting or hoping or just fantasising about a reset button.

So yeah, as far as I know I'm totally "normal" [were I a better writer, I would have found a better word. I'm sorry], and this isn't a mental health issue at all, and this is irrelevant. But I thought I would check.
 
S

socoshes

New member
Joined
Mar 10, 2010
Messages
2
re: this thing

Actually, what you describe sounds very similar to a friend of mine who is bipolar. She has both the high energy, racing thoughts you describe as well as the worthless feelings and lows. Also the self-medicating with alcohol which seems to help her symptoms a little, for a while. If you are never happy anymore then this is definitely not "normal" and there are medications that can help many. In a way its good that you recognize that even the "up" times don't feel good anymore because that was a big barrier for my friend, she was afraid that any medications would take away her "up" feelings and she didn't want that. But ultimately the whole thing got unmanageable so she decided to seek treatment. I hope you do too, and keep trying if your doctors don't work well with you right away, she had to go through several before she found one she could work with well that helped.
 
emski

emski

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2008
Messages
1,151
Location
North West
If you want some help with what this is, a good idea might be to print out you post and take it to your doctor, so they can see how you are feeling. There may be a mental health problem here, but we're not professionals so can't diagnose. What we can do is offer you support right here on the forum. I do know from my own experience, that whatever is going on right now, substances are making it worse for you

:grouphug:
 
manderwoo

manderwoo

New member
Joined
Mar 15, 2010
Messages
2
Location
New Jersey
I joined the forum last night and I must say, your post was one of the first I read and something that spoke out to me more than anything has in a long time. I may not have great advice, but I have very similar feelings as you. You sound like such a smart girl, so in tune with your feelings. You're able to very clearly convey your emotions through writing. I havent found a way to deal with these day to day emotions either, but writing is something I do that actually helps out a bit. I can relate very much to your "blue", "orange" and "red" more so than anything. I only wish I could express those thoughts and feelings I have as well as you do. I think its a gift that you could do that, because you'll have more of a chance to come up with a way to help your problem, since you make it so clear. You probably already realize that substance wont fix anything, they just temporarily numb. If you need someone to talk to on here, please feel free to message me. I feel like i am going through the same thing you are.

:)
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
Wolfrik Severin Introduce Yourself 5
Top