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What would some of you think of this???

C

chris hurts

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Apr 19, 2017
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I got this text from my girlfriend. What would you think of this?

Her child was having all their wisdom teeth removed. She called me at work to tell me when the appointment was the following week. "I'm gonna take Tuesday off and take her she said, should I take Wednesday off too?" I said yes, she will be in pain and if she needs someone there Thursday I will take off. As I said I was at work so I had to get off the phone kinda quick and said we will talk more tonight. A few minutes later I get a text that said,"no you don't have to worry about going with us Tuesday just go do something with your real family!!!!" I was at a loss. My real family? I had been living with her for 3 years and when she worked nights I was the one taking care of her child!!! How could she possibly even think that I didn't think of them as family?? It's not the first like this
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Hi Chris

Wow - I'm sure that hurt a lot..

It is a really unkind thing to say to someone who had such ties with her child.. Totally undermined you in my opinion..

I have no excuses for her words but.....
Could she have felt you weren't too bothered about it because you had to get off the phone quickly?
Maybe she was in a bit of a heap herself and feeling on edge and she took it out on you...

Only she know though.....if you ask her maybe you will get the real answer..

Take care
 
C

chris hurts

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Thank you shadow. If you have time read this, just more back ground.


Hello everyone. My first time on here.

I have been in a relationship with this woman for 4 years, we are both 40-45 years of age, she has been married 3 times, the longest 8 years to her child's father and the shortest 1 year. I have been married twice, 6 years the first and 7 the second. She has a teen daughter and I have a teen son.

About a year into our relationship she cheated on me, but we worked through it. In the middle of the second year we moved in together and became engaged. A few months after the engagement she cheated again and I moved out. Again, we reconciled, but now, about a year later I know she has been secretly texting/emailing 2 of her ex's before me??????

As I mentioned, we both have a child and I really do care for her's, but she is hot and cold with mine. She comes from a pretty dysfunctional family, she hasn't spoken to her dad in 2 years because of facebook post, she tells me her mother (married 6 times) was never there for her growing up, worked nights a lot and left her home alone at a young age.

A few points on our relationship problems. We have many good days and when they are good it is VERY nice. But, on more than one occasion we may have a plan to do something one afternoon, during the course of the day something comes up on my end and I will call to her. She would be in a good mood, but as soon as I tell her something came up and we need to re-plan, her mood changes. She will say ok, but then when we get off the phone I will get a text from her saying something like this, "well maybe you should just always do something with so and so!!! Don't call me anymore today!!"

Gets jealous/confrontational when another woman, even a family friend text me, but if another male text her and I say anything she gets mad at me. Two years ago, valentines day was during the work week, we exchanged cards, I got her flowers and we went out to eat. The actual valentines day was that weekend, Sunday. We didn't have the kids and around lunch time she said we needed to clean house. Okay I said. So, about an hour later I am in the bathroom cleaning the tub, sinks, etc and she just leaves.?.? Comes back a couple of hours later all upset and ask why I haven't taken her somewhere today since it was valentines!!! I told her I didn't know you wanted to, you said we should clean house. Her reply was, "I didn't mean all day!!"

And I cant describe the conflict that comes up when I mention doing something with my family!! Even on the "BIG" holidays, but just a cookout or birthday party

She is also on her 4 job in 4 years.

Could she have BPD or something else????
 
Per Ardua Ad Astra

Per Ardua Ad Astra

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Don't know precisely what this woman is about. She may not know herself. But it sounds like it could be 'treat them mean and keep them keen' perhaps? If this is the case, it's often part of the game plan of the user and the piss taker, out to have you jump thru hoops for their own amusement, and material gain.

If this is the case, fuck her off and find another love interest maybe :)
 
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Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Thank you shadow. If you have time read this, just more back ground.


Hello everyone. My first time on here.

I have been in a relationship with this woman for 4 years, we are both 40-45 years of age, she has been married 3 times, the longest 8 years to her child's father and the shortest 1 year. I have been married twice, 6 years the first and 7 the second. She has a teen daughter and I have a teen son.

About a year into our relationship she cheated on me, but we worked through it. In the middle of the second year we moved in together and became engaged. A few months after the engagement she cheated again and I moved out. Again, we reconciled, but now, about a year later I know she has been secretly texting/emailing 2 of her ex's before me??????

As I mentioned, we both have a child and I really do care for her's, but she is hot and cold with mine. She comes from a pretty dysfunctional family, she hasn't spoken to her dad in 2 years because of facebook post, she tells me her mother (married 6 times) was never there for her growing up, worked nights a lot and left her home alone at a young age.

A few points on our relationship problems. We have many good days and when they are good it is VERY nice. But, on more than one occasion we may have a plan to do something one afternoon, during the course of the day something comes up on my end and I will call to her. She would be in a good mood, but as soon as I tell her something came up and we need to re-plan, her mood changes. She will say ok, but then when we get off the phone I will get a text from her saying something like this, "well maybe you should just always do something with so and so!!! Don't call me anymore today!!"

Gets jealous/confrontational when another woman, even a family friend text me, but if another male text her and I say anything she gets mad at me. Two years ago, valentines day was during the work week, we exchanged cards, I got her flowers and we went out to eat. The actual valentines day was that weekend, Sunday. We didn't have the kids and around lunch time she said we needed to clean house. Okay I said. So, about an hour later I am in the bathroom cleaning the tub, sinks, etc and she just leaves.?.? Comes back a couple of hours later all upset and ask why I haven't taken her somewhere today since it was valentines!!! I told her I didn't know you wanted to, you said we should clean house. Her reply was, "I didn't mean all day!!"

And I cant describe the conflict that comes up when I mention doing something with my family!! Even on the "BIG" holidays, but just a cookout or birthday party

She is also on her 4 job in 4 years.

Could she have BPD or something else????
Hi Chris

I don't have a lot of time to reply right now but I meant to get back to you earlier today..

So briefly - I have been diagnosed with BPD and I have and would NEVER behave the way your partner has..

In my opinion there is NO excuse at all for her terrible behaviour - and I don't mean this at all badly against you but its almost an insult to us suffering with BPD that you could put it down to that... yes we are overly emotional and have a lot of difficulty with triggers and coping and creating meaningful boarders.....but we're not....nasty...(I hope you don't mind me saying that)

I honestly don't know why you're still with her...
Am racking my brain and coming up with very little..

Please don't take my comments to heart - just one opinion and I'm tired!!

Take care of yourself
 
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C

chris hurts

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No shadow not at all. I take no offense with that what so ever. I am sorry if I offended you or anyone else here. I've done a lot of soul searching this past week and I do realize that part of this is my fault as well. I think that I may have some co-dependency issues as well, coupled with her issues, what ever they may be and I let this go on longer than it should. I am taking time now to work on me and hopefully in the future I can be a better person and by that also be a better partner for a deserving woman in the future. Thank you for your response and again, I do sincerely apologize for any generalizations I may applied. I hope you have a wonderful evening 😊
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Hi Chris

Absolutely no need to apologise at all!
I was afraid I might have insulated you!
BPD is an emotionally unstable disorder but there is a fairly comprehensive list of criteria you must meet in order to be actually diagnosed.. There is a lot more than changeable moods etc.. you can look it up if you want more info.
You seem like a nice person and I hope you do find a deserving partner :)
 
blacksmoke

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the words controlling and boundaries scream at me. and yeah she behaves badly, but then you must be vigilant and not to let her do this. and that takes focus and a bottom line.

she sounds very manipulating and highly sexed! it seems she is living the life her mother did in that she has been married 3 times. yeah she sounds like she has the me me me disease

have a look at this. what do you think?
It may be helpful when having to deal with some very difficult people.

Projection.

One sure sign of toxicity is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his or her own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid being held accountable for them. This is known as projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility of one’s negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability.

While we all engage in projection to some extent, according to Narcissistic Personality clinical expert Dr. Martinez-Lewi, the projections of a narcissist are often psychologically abusive. Rather than acknowledge their own flaws, imperfections and wrongdoings, malignant narcissists and sociopaths opt to dump their own traits on their unsuspecting suspects in a way that is painful and excessively cruel. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, they would prefer that their victims take responsibility for their behavior and feel ashamed of themselves. This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another.

For example, a person who engages in pathological lying may accuse their partner of fibbing; a needy spouse may call their husband “clingy” in an attempt to depict them as the one who is dependent; a rude employee may call their boss ineffective in an effort to escape the truth about their own productivity.

Narcissistic abusers
Love to play the “blame shifting game.” Objectives of the game: they win, you lose, and you or the world at large is blamed for everything that’s wrong with them. This way, you get to baby-sit their fragile ego while you’re thrust into a sea of self-doubt. Fun, right?

Solution?
Don’t “project” your own sense of compassion or empathy onto a toxic person and don’t own any of the toxic person’s projections either. As manipulation expert and author Dr. George Simon (2010) notes in his book In Sheep’s Clothing, projecting our own conscience and value system onto others has the potential consequence of being met with further exploitation.

Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum usually have no interest in self-insight or change. It’s important to cut ties and end interactions with toxic people as soon as possible so you can get centered in your own reality and validate your own identity. You don’t have to live in someone else’s cesspool of dysfunction.

dunno if this is helpful
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Good information blacksmoke..
I'm sure it will ring a lot of bells with Chris..
 
Per Ardua Ad Astra

Per Ardua Ad Astra

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the words controlling and boundaries scream at me. and yeah she behaves badly, but then you must be vigilant and not to let her do this. and that takes focus and a bottom line.

she sounds very manipulating and highly sexed! it seems she is living the life her mother did in that she has been married 3 times. yeah she sounds like she has the me me me disease

have a look at this. what do you think?
It may be helpful when having to deal with some very difficult people.

Projection.

One sure sign of toxicity is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his or her own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid being held accountable for them. This is known as projection. Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility of one’s negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability.

While we all engage in projection to some extent, according to Narcissistic Personality clinical expert Dr. Martinez-Lewi, the projections of a narcissist are often psychologically abusive. Rather than acknowledge their own flaws, imperfections and wrongdoings, malignant narcissists and sociopaths opt to dump their own traits on their unsuspecting suspects in a way that is painful and excessively cruel. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, they would prefer that their victims take responsibility for their behavior and feel ashamed of themselves. This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another.

For example, a person who engages in pathological lying may accuse their partner of fibbing; a needy spouse may call their husband “clingy” in an attempt to depict them as the one who is dependent; a rude employee may call their boss ineffective in an effort to escape the truth about their own productivity.

Narcissistic abusers
Love to play the “blame shifting game.” Objectives of the game: they win, you lose, and you or the world at large is blamed for everything that’s wrong with them. This way, you get to baby-sit their fragile ego while you’re thrust into a sea of self-doubt. Fun, right?

Solution?
Don’t “project” your own sense of compassion or empathy onto a toxic person and don’t own any of the toxic person’s projections either. As manipulation expert and author Dr. George Simon (2010) notes in his book In Sheep’s Clothing, projecting our own conscience and value system onto others has the potential consequence of being met with further exploitation.

Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum usually have no interest in self-insight or change. It’s important to cut ties and end interactions with toxic people as soon as possible so you can get centered in your own reality and validate your own identity. You don’t have to live in someone else’s cesspool of dysfunction.

dunno if this is helpful
It's helpful to me :)

I have met many such 'projectionists' if you like, and when challenged, they do get in a tizz. I once told one of the users in my life they were projecting their shit on to me, and boy, did he get hot under the collar lol ;)

Good information blacksmoke..
I'm sure it will ring a lot of bells with Chris..
It rings a lot of bells with me too - it will with lots of people on here, cos I reckon a lot of us have been 'had' by users and piss takers.

But no more :)
 
blacksmoke

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yeah the truth is a very dangerous tool and anyways none of us like our warts exposed in public. the thing about truth is that it gets to the ego and boy that is very tricky to deal with.

which is why diplomacy is probably the better way! lol. but to also know what your bottom line is. ie i aint gonna be spoken to like that and find ways to do this like, i dunno. leave the room as a random suggestion.

in life its a bit of a long distance run. a sprint is all well and good if you aint gonna see that person again! in other words if you burn bridges (justifiably at times) you have to face the consquences of that. irregardles of who is right/wrong.

yes it helps to know these things, but also to let our anger and hurt go as ultimately these type of people are acting out dysfunctionally. the best thing we can do is damage limitation.

NB some folk project stuff because they are insecure. but if someone does it as a frequent thing then yeah they might be a Narcissistic type.
 
C

chris hurts

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????

Her grandmother passed away this morning. I was very fond of her. Should I go the the funeral home for the viewing? I was very close to my ex's mother and some other family members, but I honestly don't know if I can emotionally handle seeing the ex. I thought of just sending flowers...
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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????

Her grandmother passed away this morning. I was very fond of her. Should I go the the funeral home for the viewing? I was very close to my ex's mother and some other family members, but I honestly don't know if I can emotionally handle seeing the ex. I thought of just sending flowers...
I'm so sorry Chris that you are in this really difficult situation.. so hard..

This is what I would do - so please don't take it as advice or anything - just a perspective..

If I was close to the person who died myself - then I would go and see them.... You really liked her and want to say goodbye... Nothing wrong with that - In fact its lovely that you do...

So if it were me - I would go to see her at the funeral home - leave flowers and then walk away..

If anyone is truly meant to follow you...they will...
 
C

chris hurts

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Thank you shadow, very thoughtful of you
 
C

chris hurts

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Shadow, I didn't go😔 I just don't think my mind or my heart could handle seeing her. I have moments where all I can "see" in my mind is her smiling at me, moments I can "hear" her laugh, and times I can "feel" her touch. Then there are moments when I "hear" the lies again, "see" the cold and in-different and "feel" the weight of all the times I held my feelings inside to save an argument. I know in my mind I am better off without her, my heart just hasn't quite gotten there yet. I sent flowers and a cross to the funeral home, addressed to her mothers name and family. The card just read, "I'm so sorry about maw maw. She was a sweet and wonderful woman and I loved her. "
 
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