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What were the very first signs of your schizophrenia?

Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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My first symptoms were delusions, thinking people were poisoning me, following me.
I have either delusional disorder or schizophrenia my psychiatrist isn’t sure.
I had quite late onset as I’m in my forties.
 
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brainfeels

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@Selfhealing, it's interesting that you mention about your voices being sexually predatory. Mine are a bit, too, but I think I'm more of a predator than they are. That's how I describe and reflect on myself aloud now. I find myself entertaining the things the voices say and now, I wonder if I always have... They say your toughest times prove who you are and what you're willing to do. It's crazy how much you find out about yourself after being poked and prodded by the daggers of the voices.

Sometimes, I find myself victimizing though... Like believing I'm incapable or that I'll always be the same... I know that it's horrible to always wish you're not alone, to hope that you're not the only one "stuck in a hole", but it's nice to know that others experience the same.
 
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Selfhealing

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@Selfhealing, it's interesting that you mention about your voices being sexually predatory. Mine are a bit, too, but I think I'm more of a predator than they are. That's how I describe and reflect on myself aloud now. I find myself entertaining the things the voices say and now, I wonder if I always have... They say your toughest times prove who you are and what you're willing to do. It's crazy how much you find out about yourself after being poked and prodded by the daggers of the voices.

Sometimes, I find myself victimizing though... Like believing I'm incapable or that I'll always be the same... I know that it's horrible to always wish you're not alone, to hope that you're not the only one "stuck in a hole", but it's nice to know that others experience the same.
I am on the autistic spectrum and am not sure I have interpreted your reply correctly.
Please feel free to correct me if I have made errors in interpretation.

You THINK you are a predator?

I was sexually harassed and have been groped a few times, I am not sure about childhood abuse, I have no memories, yet my bedroom behaviour kinda points towards this, an ex who had been abused agreed.
The persecutory sexually predatory voices were a reflection of my past vulnerabilities.
They frightened the living sh1t out of me.
I would rather have another septal abscess than self-inflicted-drug-psychosis again, and that septal abscess bl00dy hurt.

Who says "your toughest times prove who you are and what you're willing to do" I am curious?

I am getting that you victimise yourself in these episodes?
Incapable, always be the same.
These voices press our hot buttons don't they, by that I mean, they agree with the parts of us who think very little of ourselves.
 
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haystack

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I started thinking the microwave that my boss gave me was bugged so he could see if I was in on the professional robbery that happened to him...of course it wasn't true...
 
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brainfeels

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@Selfhealing, I'm sorry that you experienced that.

I read something like that somewhere on a poster... It's a bit similar to "Hard times reveal your true friends," but it pertains more to self.

Yes, they do push our buttons. I'm always wondering if what they say is true...

They have told me things like, "You molested..." I didn't believe them at all at first, but then, they kept saying it... They kept bothering me. So I took it a step further and began telling others what the voices were saying. Some didn't believe it. Some did. It was what it was, but I felt as though I had to get it out.

They have also taken my personal experiences and exaggerated them or made up parts of my story. They've told me that I've been raped. I had possibly come close... I have images in my head of me lying down after explaining that I didn't want what was being asked of me... but I don't think anything actually happened, especially considering the setting it happened in and the reports explaining that nothing actually happened that night. I simply refused, and when I asked around, they told me, no, that didn't, nor could have happened.

When I say I'm a bit of a "predator" towards them, I'm not joking or making light of a situation. I'm serious. I find myself attracted to some of the voices, and I react to them. For example, suppose one of them speaks, and I find the voice and facial hallucination presented attractive, I might perhaps arch my back. I'm not trying to go too deep here. It's just an example of what I often experience.

And I would have to say that it's probably because I've never been seriously or horribly harassed, and to be honest, as I said before, I am usually possibly the harasser.

I may be being too honest here, but in college, I would always joke with my roommate about "getting booty". I thought it was a joke, but she hated it. I continued joking in that manner because I thought I was simply being myself, but it was wrong. We discussed it again one day, and I just completely stopped talking to her. Even though I know I was wrong today, I felt as though I had every right to be my true self then.

I found out I was wrong especially after the voices and when I began trying new things.

Like experimenting with my later roommate's covers without her permission. I regret it. I wound up telling her about it a few days later out of shame and embarrassment. She said it was okay.

It was as if she didn't know or was too afraid to admit and react to the fact that she had been harassed. I reported what I had done, and she finally got the hint. She moved out.

I haven't gone any farther...not that I know of. That experience kind of woke me up.

But I do find myself playing with the voices. Saying inappropriate things, joking, being honest about things that I feel.

So, yes, I have to be honest (at least to escape the nuisances of the voices later for lying, which I think helps me a lot more than I realize...). I do act like a predator usually, not the victim or the person in the middle. I'm the creepy one. The one who you should stay very far away from. Don't worry. I have no excuse for it, and I have no right. I'm aware of that. I'm not looking to be preached to or judged; I'm just looking to express myself with honesty and in peace. Like I said, I have to be honest.

I'm watching my actions. I'm making sure I don't make the wrong move ever again. I assure you.

And I'm only saying all of this to say that the voices and the hard times they put me through have revealed things about me. They make me afraid, nervous, and agitated, but they have allowed me to be honest about the sexual perversion I struggle with and helped me to reach for the help I need. I appreciate them, and hopefully, someday, I will no longer be afraid or anxious about what I may or may have not done or what I may or may not have experienced or what I may or may not do in the present and future. And someday, I will no longer entertain them. I will no longer play with ideas. I will no longer feel the way I feel or do the things I do or speak the way I speak. I believe in myself and know that I am capable of that and more.

***By the way, I think the eagerness to play is partly because I haven't actually been in a romantic relationship... Does that make me a creep? I don't know, but I don't have a desire for it. Still, biology is real, and I think my mind is aware of that.

***Also, I apologize to you, someone who has felt harassment so harshly and deeply, for my having been on the other side. I'm sorry to have been the harasser.
 
Jam1990

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Mine was when my parents really hit rock bottom in their relationship and life and there was nothing I could do about it. My dad had to spend some time in jail for some stuff he said while he was drunk. I felt so horrible for him. My mom had to sleep under a bridge some nights and she would call me from someone else’s phone that she would borrow from a parking lot.

All of a sudden I started hearing a voice in my ear that would tell me to do horrible things to myself. Things like driving into a median, killing myself. He would tell me that I’m an awful person and that I’m going to hell. Eventually I started to believe it. I’m thankful that I already had a psychiatrist at the time to help me through the symptoms, but she kind of went too heavy on the medications. She prescribed me like 600mg of Seroquel right from the start. I could barely function. Because of that I became so afraid of medications and I went off of them for a few years. It was until a couple of years ago that I found an incredible psychiatrist who has been so caring a patient and now I’m on a good treatment plan that is mostly working for me.

It’s not perfect by any means and I’m still struggling everyday, but the voice is gone so I’m happy about that. I’m always afraid of it returning though. It’ll always be a fear that I’ll have.
 
Mothman

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I started having episodes at night where I would be awoken into an altered state of consciousness, where I'd hear voices sometimes conversing but mostly yammering nonsense. My thoughts would be in numbers, blotches of color, or geometric shapes and patterns instead of words. I'd get stuck on bizarre nonsense thoughts that seemed really important, but when I snapped out of it I'd realize they were total nonsense. I'd get weird random nonsense visions I'd see when I shut my eyes that came bundled with physical sensations, like dancing patterns or faces that felt as though they were mocking me. These episodes always got worse and more frequent whenever I was stressed or low on sleep. Eventually it started happening during daytime too until it was like this at all times.
 
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Selfhealing

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@brainfeels
Thank you for opening up and being brave and I wish you a bright future.
Yeah, I’d rather have that painful septal abscess emergency than psychosis - it scared the pants of me.

Thanks for letting me know where you got that phrase from.

From my one experience of psychosis, they do press buttons and I believed it to be true, everyone else was mad as they were not hearing the voices I was.

They are malevolent.

Have you heard of Jerry Marzinsky? He has an interesting take on psychosis.

He worked with schizophrenics and methamphetamine addicts for decades.

I actually gave my friend a good bollocking, as I thought he was one of the voices. I think you take your most trusted friends and demonise them, but then, there were other voices of people I had never met, perhaps disembodied spirits. I believe there is more to this world than the thin sliver of 3D, 5 senses we perceive.

I can well relate to you saying they have also taken your personal experiences and exaggerated them or made up parts of my story.

We all have an inner critic, and in my psychosis, the voices felt like magnified inner critics, totally persecutory.

At first, when they were benign, I played with them, they fascinated me.

Sorry that your voices told you such dark things.

I was sexually harassed, the voices, some of them, were men saying “Rape her in her sleep”

Thank you for sharing your experience. It must have been harrowing to say the least.

I take it you mean the harasser of your voices, not real people :)

I respect you for being honest about your behaviour with your room mate. Many would deny any behaviour that hurt others. Do you feel empathic? Empathy helps us to get a feel for what the other is feeling, it stops us from hurting others, saying things that might upset them, and it also helps us feel remorse if we realise we have perhaps, hurt someone in hindsight.

You admitted wrongdoing to another roommate, that shows you do have decency.

Some people do not wake up, they carry on with behaviour that hurts, you woke up. You are brave, others find it impossible to say sorry.

Like yourself, I talked to the voices as I felt they were real. To me, psychosis is like dreaming while you are awake, which makes sense as I had been a few nights without sleep. I argued with them, told them how pissed off I was with them.

They were sexual. One stranger female voice said “We have not started yet” at the beginning of the persecution. I thought was real, I thought she had unresolved sexual abuse, so I brought that up, attacking her, reminding her of a scary incident she repressed, as I wanted revenge, when, in reality, she was not real, or a disembodied spirit.

Disembodied spirits are people who died without peace of mind in bad circumstances.

I have talked to people who see ghosts, I have seen 2 myself when not in drug induced psychosis.

Thank you for your honesty.

Maybe there is an urge to self improve, if you are scaring real people, I can’t tell from your post if you are scaring real people or delusional ones from the psychosis.

If, the former, maybe ask yourself what you gain when you do this?

Maybe you need to process something from your own life, gently, so you do not become triggered or damaged by it, release old energies from a bad experience with support in a healthy way?

It sounds like your psychotic episodes taught you something.

We enter realms outside of normal waking perception, in psychosis we flounder around in the depths of the unconscious, whereas psychic people can enter and exit those realms at will, such as shamans etc.

Now I am wondering if my own psychosis, all those years ago, had a lesson for me, that may enrich me.

I was a victim of sexual harassment and also a victim of abusive parenting and not so great relationships.

I am glad you reached out for help. All adults were once cute tender children and all maladaptive behaviour comes from being preyed upon ourselves.

When delving into the depths of our consciousness with professional therapists, it is IMPERATIVE we be kind to ourselves, so we do not make ourselves sicker.

I blamed myself for physical and emotional abuse, I am still wading my way through it to try and forgive myself as I feel I could have saved a lot of people from abuse had I of done things I failed to do as a child.

All we can do is try to be good people, make amends, if we can for wrongdoing in the past. Heal our own pasts.

It is good you have a sense of your own good potentialities.

I am not going to tell you if you are a creep? That would be judging you, and no one should judge others, the only place judgement has is when people are assessing others for reasons of safety, that is to say, “Is this person a good friend or will they hurt me?”

You are brave for what you posted, empathy is key, when we lack it, it shows we need to heal past hurts in a way we can handle, slowly, gently, as healing is the goal, we do not want to become self-haters when doing shadow work, we need to love ourselves so we are strong enough to shine a light on our consciousness to expand it and be an asset to people.
 
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brainfeels

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@Selfhealing, your words are beautiful. Thank you.

I try to be as honest as possible and as often as possible. It hurts more when I don't.

And no, I haven't heard of him, but I'm definitely going to check him out! Thank you so, so much for replying! Your thoughts are extremely enlightening, and with your permission, I will take them with me. I will take them with me wherever I go and think about them often, especially "maybe ask yourself what you gain when you do this." In all honesty, I gain nothing, well, other than guilt and questions of why I chose to do it. It'll help me. It'll help me to remember.

And being empathetic can be a bit difficult sometimes, especially since I worry that I am crying for myself more than the other person. Do I really understand how my roommates feel...? How you feel? Do I really want to? No matter whether I want to or not, I feel that it is in everyone's interest that we all try to. It helps a lot with empathizing.

And thanks for sharing your experiences. That was truly brave. You didn't fail to do anything as a child. You did exactly what had to be done at such a tender age. You survived.
 
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Selfhealing

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@Selfhealing, your words are beautiful. Thank you.

I try to be as honest as possible and as often as possible. It hurts more when I don't.

And no, I haven't heard of him, but I'm definitely going to check him out! Thank you so, so much for replying! Your thoughts are extremely enlightening, and with your permission, I will take them with me. I will take them with me wherever I go and think about them often, especially "maybe ask yourself what you gain when you do this." In all honesty, I gain nothing, well, other than guilt and questions of why I chose to do it. It'll help me. It'll help me to remember.

And being empathetic can be a bit difficult sometimes, especially since I worry that I am crying for myself more than the other person. Do I really understand how my roommates feel...? How you feel? Do I really want to? No matter whether I want to or not, I feel that it is in everyone's interest that we all try to. It helps a lot with empathizing.

And thanks for sharing your experiences. That was truly brave. You didn't fail to do anything as a child. You did exactly what had to be done at such a tender age. You survived.
Hi @brainfeels
I am glad you liked my message.
Honesty is good.
I do not know if Jerry Marsinsky is correct, I would not stop taking any meds after reading it, talk it over with a professional before altering meds as stopping them suddenly can cause real problems and I would hate to think you having problems.
Guilt is beating yourself up, remorse is more healthy, so long as you don't end up hating yourself.
Empathy is a good thing to cultivate. I remember bullying a smaller kid as I was getting bullied and had no empathy at the time for the smaller kid, but felt guilt when older.
Thank you.
 
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