What was my greatest help is now by biggest fear

[Inga Runa]

I was recently diagnosed with anxiety. I’m 42, never had any mental health issues before in my life. This year though is rough for a lot of people and obviously also for me.

I live in a happy relationship, no kids, farm life, many horses, sheep, and a dog.

The dog is everything for me. I love her to death. She was always my shoulder to cry on and put me in a good mood.

Now she is getting older and thus getting more health issues. And everything that happens to her, may it be small or more serious, is making me go crazy.

It has come to that point that I try to avoid her to feel relief for just a few minutes. If she is awake and around me, I worry. Stressed, racing heart, shaking.

Even if she is playful and totally fine.

In the worst momentsI hide. Lock me in a room, sleep there over night, skip dinner with my husband, just to be a few hours without feeling like shit.

And still I feel like shit because I love this dog.But she has become my trigger of some sort.

I was just started on medication which I hope will help me get trough this.

I live very rural, honestly no one to talk around,just a regular countryside doctor, no psychologist or anything.

I need some help to get through this. Just thoughts of others, stories of others, maybe advice. Thank you.

 

[Sam1305]

i don't know if this can help you but you could try educating yourself about different beliefs about the afterlife so that you can slowly let go without feeling like a bad person. I had a strong emotional connection with my cat as a teenager and she helped me trough many depressive times but i knew she was getting older and was scared of being without her. When i remember her now i just think about her living on as a spirit and it makes me happy. Of course this advice isn't helpful for everybody but if you have no therapist or someone else to talk to i would give it a shot. I hope you get better soon

 

[Inga Runa]

i don't know if this can help you but you could try educating yourself about different beliefs about the afterlife so that you can slowly let go without feeling like a bad person. I had a strong emotional connection with my cat as a teenager and she helped me trough many depressive times but i knew she was getting older and was scared of being without her. When i remember her now i just think about her living on as a spirit and it makes me happy. Of course this advice isn't helpful for everybody but if you have no therapist or someone else to talk to i would give it a shot. I hope you get better soon

Thanks for that. I know this sounds terrible now but I think it would be even easier for me (in the long run?) if she was just gone now instead of watching her limping.

It’s not really the thought of her being gone for me rather than seeing her suffer. So hard to explain. It just makes me sick to see her not being 100% alright. She, though, doesn’t care nearly as much as I do about her immobility! I try to be like her: see the positive, don’t care too much, but this is just terribly difficult.

 

[Sam1305]

it doesn't sound terrible ,don't worry. It is 100% alright to feel like that. I think you are already doing the right thing by trying to be like her ,it just takes time and like you said isn't easy