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What to do???

A

a little nutty

New member
Joined
Feb 25, 2009
Messages
2
Hi there

Not sure where to begin as I've not done this before. Oh well nothing gained as they say eh!

I am a 36 year old married mother of 3 beautiful children. I was diagnosed a couple of years back with severe depression, body dismorphis disorder, borderline personality disorder (coz they're not sure where to put me), and other stuff.

I know where my problems lie and I know how they came about. You see I was severly abused, emotionally, physically and on occassion sexually, emotional and physical by both sets of parents and sexually by an uncle. This carried on for 18 years until I left home, the sexual stuff stopped when I was about 10. I have been in foster care and all the rest of it. I met my husband when I was 19 and married a year later; he taught me so much, even the basics of hygiene!!! My issues are that I don't trust him even after 17 years and I can't ever believe that he acually loves me. He is not big on showing emotion etc. I accuse him all the time of not loving me and going off with other women, although I have no proof for this last statement. I have been violent to him in the past, I am always shouting at him, pushing him away basically being a bitch to him. I know what I am doing is wrong but I can't stop myself, I just want to be able to love and to accept love for what it is. I have issues with my children, like when they get emotional, I get angry coz I don't know how to deal with it and tell them to see their dad and it's not their fault, they are only children.

My head is so mixed up and has been for as long as I can remember, I have been in hospital a few times for trying to end it all. I don't mix well with others hence no mates, I tend to keep myself to myself, can't be doing with all the pretence and false niceness when all most people want to do is stab you in the back at the earliest opportunity. I hate this world, all full of hate and full of people who are only out for what they can get. You see even as I type this, I know I sound stupid, but I don't think I even have the words anymore to describe how I feel. I try doing exercise as it's supposed to help, but even that is proving hard as I don't seem to be benefitting from it, not getting any thinner thats for sure. I know I am down at the moment, but that's fine, I don't do happy as I'm not sure how to cope with it. I keep thinking that if I wasn't here then my husband will be able to find someone who can love him like he wants and the kids will have someone who can be there for them. I just want to walk away and keep walking coz then I don't have to deal with all these emotions that keep running through my head and they hurt. I am so angry all the time too.

I was put on olanzapine last year and they seemed to be the only tablets that worked but I put on alot of weight and stopped taking them and now I am back to sqaure one, sick of tablets that promise the earth but just cause more issues. What to do eh!

Sorry for going on but if there is someone out there that understands and maybe can well understand that would be something
 
D

Dollit

Guest
The world isn't really full of people out for what they can get and I think your husband is proof of that. If he really wanted to leave then he would have done so by now.

There are lots of good people but if you have trust issues it's hard to find them.

This is a safe forum and we work hard to keep it safe so please be reassured by that.

Take your time in getting to know people and hopefully we'll be able to help you as much as you'll help us.

Welcome.
 
A

a little nutty

New member
Joined
Feb 25, 2009
Messages
2
Another Day

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Part of me knows that there are decent people out there, but I also know that when I am feeling the way I am it is hard for me to see past anything.

Saw my pdoc today and he put me on limotrigine, does anyone else use this or has used this and could anyone give me any advice on this?

Thank you :)
 
D

Dollit

Guest
I use lamotrigine along with lithium. I get no side effects whatsoever and it has helped to give me a stability I have never known before.
 
masked_parade

masked_parade

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 9, 2009
Messages
96
Location
Yorkshire, UK
Hello A.L.N

I'm new here too but I find it really helpful and the people here are kind, stick around and you'll hopefully get some good advice and meet new friends.

I hope the new meds work for you.

Take lots of care :)
 
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