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Lara

Lara

Active member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
39
Location
elmbridge, Surrey
Hi all,

I'm just a little...meh...at the moment, I say at the moment, what I really mean is that last 2 - 3 months. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 17 I'm now 22 and have been on and off meds ever since. I came off of lofepramine in february this year. I'm not on anything at the moment. I'm giving myself two weeks before I go and see my GP, however I'm wondering if its worth wasting his time.

I've seen a psychologist which wasnt eventful, she wanted me to go back and look at my past and see what what so painful and what I felt about it, that was on the ninth session and I told her I wasnt going to make myself feel any worse that I already did.

I then got reluctantly referred to the psychiatrist which I was ok with, but that didnt really help much either and I found that monitoring of condition was quite poor. I was seen every 3 months which is crap for some one who rapid cycles.

I've had several meds none of which have really helped:

citolpram (made me very ill)
effexor (did absolutely nothing)
prozac (was ok for a bit and then had to up the dose which turned me into a walking zombie)
Olanzapine (they put me on that with the prozac to stop my psychosis didnt help either)

then I came off the meds and after a while they put me back on prozac and then I came off it again.

Then the insomnia kicked in again and then they put me on lofepramine which I came off in february this year. Whcih also had the worst withdrawal symptoms, I thought I had flu!


My mum doesnt want me on prozac again because of what she has read in the papers and seen on the TV. My boyfriend doesnt like me on meds at all, as he says it "takes away my special spark" and that he can deal with my moods which I know he cant, because he bites back at me making me feel worse.

I dont know what to do at the moment I just know I dont want to feel like this and I certainly dont want it getting any worse. I remember from when I was at college, I was some quiet poisonous b!tch I was starting to like it, if that makes sense to any one?

I just dont know what to do. :(
 
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chesya

chesya

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
86
Location
Cornwall
Hi all,

I'm just a little...meh...at the moment, I say at the moment, what I really mean is that last 2 - 3 months. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 17 I'm now 22 and have been on and off meds ever since. I came off of lofepramine in february this year. I'm not on anything at the moment. I'm giving myself two weeks before I go and see my GP, however I'm wondering if its worth wasting his time.

I've seen a psychologist which wasnt eventful, she wanted me to go back and look at my past and see what what so painful and what I felt about it, that was on the ninth session and I told her I wasnt going to make myself feel any worse that I already did.

I then got reluctantly referred to the psychiatrist which I was ok with, but that didnt really help much either and I found that monitoring of condition was quite poor. I was seen every 3 months which is crap for some one who rapid cycles.

I've had several meds none of which have really helped:

citolpram (made me very ill)
effexor (did absolutely nothing)
prozac (was ok for a bit and then had to up the dose which turned me into a walking zombie)
Olanzapine (they put me on that with the prozac to stop my psychosis didnt help either)

then I came off the meds and after a while they put me back on prozac and then I came off it again.

Then the insomnia kicked in again and then they put me on lofepramine which I came off in february this year. Whcih also had the worst withdrawal symptoms, I thought I had flu!


My mum doesnt want me on prozac again because of what she has read in the papers and seen on the TV. My boyfriend doesnt like me on meds at all, as he says it "takes away my special spark" and that he can deal with my moods which I know he cant, because he bites back at me making me feel worse.

I dont know what to do at the moment I just know I dont want to feel like this and I certainly dont want it getting any worse. I remember from when I was at college, I was some quiet poisonous b!tch I was starting to like it, if that makes sense to any one?

I just dont know what to do. :(
I have BPD. When I was given prozac group drugs I went off my nut. On one of the occasions I had to picked up off the street the psychiatrist said to me it was partly down to the effexor and bromazapam.

Treatment of BPD with a prozac related drug and a trank is a common error according to him and now the psychiatrist I see in the UK. The same French psychiatrist, however, put me on anti-psychotics which also did me a lot of harm.

It's difficult to get the right treatment but don't give up. I'm 45 years old and am just beginning to feel the benefit of Lithium. That might not be the treatment for you, but it can take time to find the right one. I gave up at 24 and convinced myself that there was nothing treatment could do for me, I regret that decision as it's only serious mental difficulties that have brought me back to treatment. Maybe I couldn't have avoided a lot pain and trouble in my life had I persevered with mental health services.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Jargon Buster!!

BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder

BD = Bipolar Disorder

Common enough and easy enough mistake and one that I've made myself before now.

But chesya has a point when she says the right treatment is difficult - that goes for any mental health problem and it is worth persevering. Have you access to Expert Patients - that can be very helpful.
 
D

DNA

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2008
Messages
13
Hello Lara,
as others have said it is difficult to get the right treatment that will work for you. Unfortunately, there isn't a test that can tell the Dr for certain, so s/he has to go by symptoms. It is also difficult for a pharmaceutical company to put all the ingredients in one tablet. So you need to persevere and see what your Dr suggests next.

Sometimes, changing your diet can help the medication to work and limits its damage.
Food rich in vitamin C and E will help protect neurons. But also food rich in vitB12 because this vitamin is needed to transport the vitC and E to the brain. Omega3 is 'food' for the brain.

vitamin C (papaya,passion fruit and broccoli have the highest content).
vitamin E(almonds,papaya,spinach,greens).
vitaminB12(liver,salmon,beef, chicken and eggs).
Omega3(especially from fish and walnuts).

Hope this helps.
 
Lara

Lara

Active member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
39
Location
elmbridge, Surrey
Thank you guys.

I know it hard and getting the right treatment takes alot of time and the form od a trial and error path.

I eat plenty of fresh food and walk almost every where so exercise isnt a problem.

I guess I'm just worried about getting referred back to the mental health clinic again. The first time I felt like I didnt belong there, that the other patients there needed the doctors help much more than I did. I felt like a time waster, not to mention my previous GP made me feel like I was wasting his time as well, I was in his office every two weeks and when he saw me walk through the door, I could see it in his face, "oh my God its her again".

I changed my GP at the begining of the year due to the fact I wanted a second oppinion on another health matter which they shunned me for. I havent spoken with my new GP about my mental health, I'm finding the thought of it quite daunting. I dont want the same reception I got from my last doctor.

I was very tearful last night and I was so angry! also insomnia kicked in big time. The last I remember was looked at the time on my phone at 5:05am. I wonder how long I can keep this up for? I was up a 8am for work.
 
Lara

Lara

Active member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
39
Location
elmbridge, Surrey
I'm a little better today, having had a little more sleep. The only problem was that I was in a really deep sleep when my mum woke me up for work, I had slept right through the alarm.

I then proceeded to speed around the house looking for a pair of black trousers to wear and Blew my stack at both my mum and my sister for no real reason.

Iwent over all of my med records for when I was under my local MHC for diagnosis and I realised that no one had actuall explained to me what my diagnosis was, what the symptoms were, no one bothered to inform me of any thing. Now this morning instead of working like I should be, I;ve been researching BPD and I'm amazed at how applicable the diagnosis is to me.

I never thought I would say some thing like that!

I have good insight into when I'm behaving badly I just cant stop it and my mood can change as quick as you can click your fingers. I feel so bad, as I cant imagine what I put my fiance through on a daily basis when I see him, especially recently. My mum doesnt seem to register that I have an issue. I think if my anger and stress levels get any higher I'm going to have to see some one before I do some thing really really stupid or it represses and I end up in the depths of depression again. I certainly dont want psychosis again. that was so not fun.

I think I need to find as much info on this as I can find. I need to understand it and I've been plodding along thinking it BPD was just an issue with depression and anger. Silly me.


I was alarmed to read some where that there is alot of discrimination against those of us with BPD. is this right?
 
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Lara

Lara

Active member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
39
Location
elmbridge, Surrey
Its gotten to a point where I cant avoid seeing the doctor, the depression is all-consuming, I'm running on auto-pilot most of the time, I'm always tired and my concentration levels are nil. thats just a few of the symptoms. I dont want to bore every one as I'm sure most you know what they are any ways.

As well as having the depression to contend with, my BDP is trying to break out of its cage. Now I'm wondering, is its just bdp in general thats got me or if it is accompanied by the depression.

I've also started seeing shadows again and having involuntry muscle spasms and the paranoia is creeping in too.

I have an appointment to see a doctor on monday after work. I just hope I'm going to be treated fairly and not be pinalised for my disorder. It really worries me.
 
Libra1

Libra1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2008
Messages
515
Location
West Midlands
Hi Lara,

sorry you are not feeling so well. Would it be worth you jotting down a few notes on how you feel, to take to your appt on Monday? or print off your previous letter and take that with you.

I also suffer with dreadful broken sleep/insomnia, in my case due to 'chronic neuropathic pain' and other medical conditions, and get myself into a bedtime routine of winding down, relaxing and no drinks with caffiene before bed - all of which do help me :)

Try and rest/relax over the weekend, often easy said more difficult to do, sending you:
Gentle hugs:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Take care
x
 
Lara

Lara

Active member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
39
Location
elmbridge, Surrey
Well, I guess its been a while.

After the appointment with the Dr he put me back on prozac, I also had to have a short course of valium. I has a split with my fiance but we are back together now and every thing is a lot more open between up, if I'm not felling right I tell him and then he understands my outbursts. Its still difficult for him though.

I had to come off the prozac due to 4months of crippling headaches, it was only untill the dr took me off all my medication that I realised that it was the prozac that was causing them. Very weird, but know I know that I'm in no hurry to go back on it.

However I'm getting out of control again and the emptiness just swallows me up. I'm having so really weird dreams and that affects my moods for the entirety of the following day, make me very withdrawn and volatile. I'm thinking its time to go back to my MHC and have a review.

Work is driving me mad at the moment. I dont really want to be here but I have to be because I need the money. My GP wont sign me off and the estate I live on gets worse every day, I frightened to even take the 5min walk to the local corner shop for a packet of fags!

There are kids every where and they are all abusive, drug deals, violent attacks, like two weeks ago saturday, there was a house party 4 doors down from me it went on till the early hours and there was alot of noise, I heard alot of hysterical screaming but didnt pay much attention and then at 2.30am sunday morning the police were knocking om my door to see if my family had seen anything as some one had been glassed in the face right outside my house!
Not to mention that a murder has taken place in the last two years on the estate as well. it has quite a reputation and I hate living there. My mum is just as miffed and vulnerable as I am, she has OCD and anxiety disorder with major depressive disorder.

I just cant concentrate on anything. I want to go back to college to go on to become an art teacher for secondary school but the thought of all that debt, not to mention all the recent stuff on the news about uni's and a lack of government funding. its like my black hole just gets bigger and bigger, the more I try to fight my way out of it the more it swallows me up, I constanly feel like I'm in quick-sand. Every day becomes more of an effort.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on. I just dont know what to do. :(
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Lara

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment. I was in the same situation as you, i lived in some terrible places and no one can really understand the overwhelming fear, desperation and frustration you feel in such places. One place I was living in I had to make sure I wore proper leather shoes because I had to often walk around heroin needles. Police, fire engines and ambulances were regular sites at these places, and I often had police coming to my door and to my work to question whether I had witnessed an incident or knew of the people involved. It was truly awful.

Can I ask, are you living in a council/House authority property? There are ways you can get out if you are. You can put your name on a list to swap houses with another tenant that may want to live on your estate (often on these types of estates families want to be together so you may find a swap, however terrible it may be). I believe you can do this online. You can swap with someone almost anywhere in the country I believe, so if you want to get out of the area completely you may be able to do that. Perhaps you could move nearer to a university you'd like to go to.

As you are working you may also be able to qualify for a Part buy/part rent tenancy. This is where you are almost getting a mortgage with the council, and eventually get to own the propery you are in. On these estates they are usually quite stringent about who can purchase properties with them, as they have to be working and not in arrears and not known to the council for neighbourhood problems as far as I'm aware. Generally these estates have much less problems and issues.

With regards to Uni. Please don't let fears of debt put you off. Almost every student in the country has that worry, because parents with the recession rarely have the savings or means to top up the students loans. Also yes although you can accrue alot of debt repaying it I believe is flexible. They set your repayments according to how much you earn. So if you start earning £12,000 a year, you would pay less than earning £16,000 a year. I believe the loans do have really reasonable rates of repayment. (I might be wrong but that is my understanding, perhaps other uni students on here can let you know what the current status quo is with that).

I think most of the students who really struggle are the ones not used to being on a budget and blow their loans on silly things like designer gear, computers and down the pubs and in the student union bar.

If you are used to budgeting, and know how to cook cheaply but healthily (like cooking rice and pasta etc), and are not adverse to some value foods, and don't blow it on overpriced microwave meals you may find that your loans spread very far. Shopping in the evening is also a good budgeting tool as often food is reduced. If I go to my supermarket at seven pm they start closing the hot food counter and I can get 6 BBQ chicken thighs for under a £1!

I think the common mistake for students is getting credit cards. They really are the killer and that's when the debt really mounts up. I have credit cards but only use them for purchasing online if I have the money available to pay it back there and then without having to pay any interest, and I never withdraw cash on them, because to me it's like throwing money down the drain! I have the philosophy that if I can't buy it there and then I can't have it, it works and the only debt I have now is my mortgage, but there is no other way of buying a house for me at the moment!

I hope that helps in some way. :)
 
Lara

Lara

Active member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
39
Location
elmbridge, Surrey
Thanks I have consideres all of these things.

Its not the issues that worrie me so much its my reaction to them I worry about.

I'm very volatile at the moment. I started seeing black shadows every where again last night and I'm having really vivid nightmares again just about really stuipid stuff, they dont make any sense.

My mood changes really rapidly from tearful to damn right obnoxious and I'm snapping left right and center.

My partner kissed me on sunday and he hadnt had a shave for a few days, his stuble really hurt me and bit his head off. So much anger, I dont know where it comes from, i'm not like that.

last night I sat up and read until nearly 3am becuase I couldnt sleep, I was so exhausted though! this morning I had more trouble than usual getting out of bed for work, my mum had to get me up.

And so the cycle begins again! Oh yay! :(
 
Lara

Lara

Active member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
39
Location
elmbridge, Surrey
I managed to get a drs appointment for this afternoon, with some difficulty I might add! and its with a dr I absolutely loathe!!!!

I have no idea how to put this to her and I'm thinking of dragging my mum in with me.
I would have waited for my GP but I cant wait any longer before it completely takes over and I do something stupid.

any advice I would be grateful for.
 
dib4uk

dib4uk

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2009
Messages
2,182
Location
south london,england
Lara, I'm sorry for the problems that you have encountered.

Can i ask a question- are you currently in counselling?

Taking medicine will help to control the anger issues, the paranoid feelings and the haulluicnations that come with this condition.


However, prozac? i wouldn've thought a all round anti depressant would've been better than that. That drug would scare me sensless.:eek:

I'm on Mirtazapine tablets which dont really help me that much, but, i'm on the waiting list for psychotherapy and thats was my original question.

Well I hope that you find the right treatment for you :grouphug:
 
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