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What to do when I get suicidial episodes from Zoloft? + intruduction Part 3



Apr 10, 2020
Oh and yea, I should probably mention all other mental problems I have/had and their status (Note that those are self-diagnosed, but as mentioned before probably more professional than those I got diagnosed by those "Specialists")
- Mild depression since childhood that worsened as I was getting older. (State already described in text above)
- Anxiety that I developed somewhere during age of high-school (around the same time my depression started worsening) that also worsened over time (State already described in text above)
- Life long low self-esteem (with exception of intelligence in witch I am rather arrogant about) that also worsened as I got older (Had periods and episodes of improvement, but currently worse than ever)
- OCD constantly triple-check everything, especially things I have in my pockets witch when out of house I sometimes check up to every 10-15 minutes, always double-checking (Gotten significantly better since I started therapy, probably from relaxation caused by Bensedin (Diazepam))
- Constant random mood changes (Although I would still be depressed most of the time there ware often short episodes where I would randomly feel different emotions, depression it self would often too randomly change in kind and severity, sometimes I would get short euphoric and/or manic episodes as well, usually not lasting for long 30min-2h) and over-emotional responses to everything (Bad, expecialiy lately, aside from mood even my personality and opinions started getting random changes in episodes)
- Health anxiety developed about 2 years ego after I got seriously sick from coffee (Unsure why), had constant irrational fears, especially of poisoning, illness and allergies. (Used to be extremely bad, the worst/most unpleasant mental health problem I had, currently nearly completely solved)
- Sleeping disorder, sometimes I couldn't sleep for days, other times I would sleep like 14h-18h straight every day for no reason, Sometimes I would be sleepy all day long but sleep very shortly when I fall asleep 3h-4h so I would sleep fore few hours than be awake for few hours before going to sleep again and that would repeat for all day/night long, even when I would sleep normally hours wise I would never have a nice rest from sleep and would usually be tired from it. (This lasted for several years but about some over a year ago started drastically improving all on it's own with exception of last one, and that one mostly got solved since I started taking therapy)
- Recently started forgetfulness, while I always had extremely good memory and still mostly do, I would often find myself having "holes" in my memory, like remembering something being said but couldn't remember even if it was said around me, in my dreams, if it was part of my fantasy or if it something I heard in some video. Sometimes I would put some item somewhere and immediately forget where I put it, my memory of it would be completely erased even after I menage to find it. Sometimes I would start doing something and in mid doing it temporarily forget what I was doing, sometimes remembering things or thinking felt like strugiling to find thoughts/memories true a fog. It has many similarities with forgetfulness coming from old age but I am way too young to have it being in my mid 20s.
- Having a pretty severe case of complex of being too old despite being in my mid 20's.
- Having a paranoia, believing people in my physical close aproximetry are talking about me, mostly badly, I can nearly hear them (Up till recently I could easily make a difference between things I hear and think I heard, recently not so much), additionally I always tend to think that everyone around me is working against me (it's an actual fact that people around me are liars, liaing me constantly) and that nobody likes me (Having a personal conspiracy theories regarding my "social life"). (Recently I can't tell what is real and what not).
- In my teenage years i had something a long the lines of DID, I had away lived double triple lives and had multiple personalities, those weren't just masks, my opinions and views would completely change to fit with people around me. When alone I would sometimes argue in my head between those personalities. (I believed this pasted around the time I entered my 20's, but it turned around it just temporally stopped cause I put all my social life on hold, and once I started having social life again around a year ago some mild symptoms of this started to return).
- I had gender dysphoria for a few years that passed around a year ago when I made few female friends/acquaintances and realized I don't have to physically be a girl to be "one of the girls" true I still think my life would be better if I was born a girl.
- I have/had a sense of dizziness, dream like state and unrealnes most of the time in different severity. Ever since I was a kid, growing up come with a sense of losing realness, like the world was becoming less 3-dimensional, less graphical/detailed, less vivid, less real. (This only ever continued worsening thru out my life)
- I don't relate to my physical looks or my life at all, like this is not really me, like I am just a bystander watching my life, controlling it from aside like a character in a video game I am role playing it but it's not really me nor my actual life. In my dreams I am nearly never me, I am eater some completely different character or me from childhood. Sometimes there are periods when I would also run on "Autopilot" and in those instances this syndrome would be at it's worse.
- I would often get lost in thoughts, eater thinking or fantasizing/day dreaming for a long periods of time raging anywhere from few hours to several days straight. And when I get in this "mood" it's not something I can stop willingly. (This has also improved since I started with therapy, true there where some slight improvements even before that in a span of the last year)
- After going for long periods without any sleep I would start to have hallucinations, mild hallucinations would usually start around 3rd day without any sleep and worsen from there. Hallucinations would completely disapire after I get some sleep.

Also some physical/social problems I have/had that definitely affect my mental state
- As a child I was beaten up by my father and severely trained to be manly, for example I was forbidden to cry, if father saw me crying he would beat me up until I stopped crying (Cause real man don't cry and can handle pain manly), for a time I was crying in secret, locking myself in a bathroom and stuffing my face in towels to help me suppress sounds of crying, until I learned to hold back the tears.
- I was both sheltered and neglected at a same time while growing up (My father was a control freak witch is why I was sheltered and ignorant about the world, but my parents never loved me or really talked to me so I was neglected)
- I never had any privacy during most of my life.
- I was raised in an extremely conservative neighborhood with a very high crime rate.
- I never really had any friends up till just before high-school age, and even than I never really had any real friends I could talk to, just people to hang out with but nobody I was close enough with to have serious talks.
- Around the age of high-school I drinked, smoked, got into fights, and done drugs.
- I never had a romantic partner, not that I didn't flirt and had people show interest in me, I was just always a huge romantic and always wanted to fall in love not be with just anyone (And up till now that only happened twice and nether of those times I could start a relationship with them).
- I am probably eater Asexual or demisexual, romantically I am mostly interested in girls with few rare exceptions.
- I dropped from high-school in second year cause I just couldn't bother to go to classes. (Originally planed to finish it latter in an irregular way where I would self study at home and just go to exams, but it never come to that).
- I stopped going out and hanging out with friends at age 18 after witch I spend the next 5-6 years as NEET spending most of all of my time on PC, mostly watching Anime, Reading VNs and playing games and JRPGs as well as hanging out on online forums related to anime. Exceptions ware rare and short family diner gatherings at witch we would usually just talk about a "weather".
- Somewhere around mid of that time I also stopped talking/hanging out with people online because of extreme anger and frustration caused by extreme oversexulization of everything often present at such forums. It was also around this time that my mental state started to drastically worsen.
- During this period of 5-6 years I lived in a huge poverty, having just enough money to barely get by, I was often going hungry, sometimes going for several days without having anything to eat. Because of this I would never thrown away any food and eat even things that had clearly gone bad, or that ware previously eaten by mouses, somehow I never got any serious food poisoning. The only time I got seriously sick was when I drinked huge amounts of coffee after not eating anything for nearly a week (As I read online that coffee can help relive feelings of hunger) and that was when I developed a serious case of health anxiety.
- Some year ago or so I met some of my old friends for the first time after 5-6 years, I hanged out with them a few times just for the sake of old times, but I ended up meting one of their new female friends and I really hit it off with her like with nobody ever before. I quickly opened up to her and we become close. It was a first time I really talked with anyone in my life, that I had anyone who would actually lessen to me. This made me start to go out again and hang out with her and true her with my old friends. (This drastically improved my mental health)
- Some 5-6 mounts ago I screwed up and got that female friend really angry at me and it was over between us.
- Currently I have absolutely nobody to talk to, online or offline (Since the last 5-6 months).
- Curently I am still co-owning a yard and two houses with my father with who I am in terrible relationship, we had been trying to sell those houses for years now and go our separate ways as neither of us can stand to even see the other one but up till now we had no success.


Well-known member
Mar 31, 2020
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