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What to do when I get suicidial episodes from Zoloft? + intruduction Part 1

O

OrionHarth

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Serbia
Recently (19.mart) I was at psychiatry and prescribed 1X 50mg Zoloft in the morning, 3x 10mg Bensedin (Diazepam) a day, and 1/3 150mg Trittico (Trazodone) before sleep. I was prescribed this mainly for depression I had for years and a sudden mood swings (Usually to anger/irritability) that started in last few months. At psychiatry I was also given a one time injection of liquid Bensedin (Diazepam) witch is why I stated with therapy on 20.mart. This is the first time I ever started using any medical narcotics prescribed by specialist, although it's the 4th time I went to psychiatrist thru out the last year and a half and prescribed medicine I never started using any of them out of unsatisfaction of how I was received, all 4 times I went to different psychiatrists, and all 4 times a season lasted for less than 15 minutes. The second time I went to psychiatrist I was told that full therapies don't exist in government healthcare system of my country and that all they can do is briefly lessen to me and prescribe me meds based on what they hear, than see me for check up once a month to again briefly lessen to my reactions on medicine and change something if they think necessary, and that if I wanted something more I would have to go to a private clinic, witch is not something I can afford. Among those 4 times I was diagnosed with 1rst time: personality disorder, OCD, Depression and Schizophrenia. 2nd time with Depression and Anxiety disorder. 3rd time with Depression and possible Bipolar disorder, 4th time with Depression, sudden mood swings and instructed to go to a clinic for people with drug addictions (witch I don't have). Personally I consider those diagnosis less professional and on lower level than self-diagnosis, but I started with therapy anyway cause I was left with no other options as I reached a limit with how much I can help myself on my own and with self-medications I tried.

After second time I went to a psychiatrist (20.jun.2019) I decided to try self medicating with street drugs using my previous experience with recreational drugs and information I can find on internet as I considered it a safer option than taking meds I know nothing about prescribed by a clearly unprofessional psychiatrist, and this way I could at least see effects imitatively rather than after months. Before this I didn't do any recreational drugs for about 5-6 years nor did I have desire to do them, so I wasn't going in this for a fun. I started with low doses of marijuana as I read that in low doses marijuana can help reduce anxiety and from experience I know it can relax you and make you sleep better as wee at least temporarily put your depression on hold. I occasionally used it for about 2-3 months, mostly ether before sleep or alone in nature. While it would often if not most of time make me paranoid at start of having an effect even in low doses after that it would relax me and even after effects pass my irrational fears would lessen. After 2-3 months my irrational fears have nearly completely dissapired and my anxiety has somewhat lowered (Although some big positive social changes in my life during this time probably had a rule to play in this as well), after that I found smoking didn't do anything for me any more in a therapeutic way so I stopped. On the negative side it made me start smoking cigarettes again, this is probably due to fact that in my country weed is always mixed with tobacco. After that I smoked weed only a few times up till now when I was feeling really low, similar to how some people drink when they feel bad, just in my case weed has more positive effects on me than alcohol.

Some 5 moths ago due to some really bad social happenings my depression and anxiety have significantly worsen, I tried smoking weed again but it didn't help, I tried drinking but it didn't help eater, I was at a point I couldn't do anything anymore, I even stopped taking care of myself like shaving or changing close, it just felt like nothing mattered anymore, like it's all over for me and there's no hope left, and I feared to even think of hoping. I would just do nothing but think all day long, just repeating the same negative thoughts true my head every single day all day long. Than I come at idea of trying speed, it took some time to manage to get my hands on it but I managed in the end. I started with a low doze, 2x around 0.2g for a day. The first time it really helped a lot, I cleaned house, washed clothes, shaved, got dressed ad net, started thinking highly positively of the future, my anxiety nearly disapired and in the end I went out to a rave and had a great time. Surprisingly I didn't even get high depression you are suppose to get when effect of speed wear off, I just went back to the same, if not even better state than usual, probably due to fact I actually had some fun for a change and out of feeling proud that I managed to do so many chores I neglected for months. I did feel physically tired the next day due to parting all night and skipping a night of sleep, but psychologically I felt relaxed and happier than I had been for months (Exuding while I was under effects of speed). I planed to make a break for a few days and and do it again, but as I catch a pretty bad cold I didn't do it again for 2 weeks. When I started doing it again I did it for 3 nights strait with the same dose, 2 x 0.2g dunning night while a made a break during day so I could get low enough that I can eat something. Again it had very positive effect on me both while I was on it and after that, it did miracle for my depression, I even managed to make myself go job hunting that I really needed but couldn't force myself to do due to depression. After that I run out of speed and I couldn't get my hands on more for a whole month, when I did I both a higher doze 5g so I would have it for a while, I planed to stretch it out thru a month so I can constantly function properly, witch is not something I could do when I was strait. But things didn't turn out as I planed, for start a doze of 0.2 this time didn't do anything for me, so I took another one, I started feeling something but but effect was still very low, only after I took around 0.8g in a span of 2h did I get a desired effect I got from 0.2g the last time, still, that night turned out great like last time, but the next night, it took me the whole 2g and even then I didn't get desired effect, even worse when it was stopping to work, It had very weird effects on me i never experienced before, colors got way brighter, I started seeing things and shapes, felt super tired but super relaxed at a same time, among other things. I suspect that speed I took this time was eater very week, or it was mixed with something else, or both (weirdly, everyone else I know who took it claimed it was extremely strong). The next day after some sleep I was back to normal, witch means depressed. fearing the remaining speed won't have effect on me I took it now I decided to take a day of break and push thru a day somehow, witch was very hard as I was starting my first day on job that day and with depression when not even feeling like getting out of bed having to work was practically a torture. The next night I had to take speed again if I wanted to get thru the next day at work, knowing how week the speed I have is I took a higher dose, about 1g right away, psychologically it did absolutely nothing for me, physically on the other hand, I was sweating excessively, my heart was beating like crazy, I was super confused, tired, I am guessing I got what I later learned is called serotonin syndrome, or something close to it. Worse, knowing that even speed can't help me anymore with my depression I felt like there is no hope, I got super depressed, and because of feeling sick some of the fears I got rid of thanks to weed started to come back. Not knowing what to do anymore in the morning instead of going to job I went to my doctor and explained a situation and asked if there is anyone I could turn to, I was hoping to be locked away in some mental institution where I would be monitored 24/7 as on my own I simply didn't know how to live with myself anymore, it didn't help that I had absolutely nobody to talk to ever since incident about 5 months ago that left me completely alone in this world, witch increased my depression. Although my doctor adviced me to wait a little and try some other mental institutions first as this particular one, while the only one where I can be admitted to 24/7 without needing appointment for a future is also a last step when nothing else works she still give me an open appointment at a biggest and most popular and serious mental institution in my country specializing mostly in heavy cases of serious mental illnesses. Unfortunately they turned me away from my request to be hospitalized at their institution clamming I am not serious case enough for them, not that they bothered to even lessen to my story, if anything they heard me out even less than at previous 3 institutions I went to, didn't even bother explaining to me what medicine they prescribed me for is. Thru this might be partly because of Korona outbreak and an out of order state of my country that is currently happening, they even claimed that at a moment they only accept emergent cases and only let me in out of good will cause I went such a long way from home to come to their institution despite the current situation.
 
M

Mikefeelbad

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
580
Location
Hong Kong
Recently (19.mart) I was at psychiatry and prescribed 1X 50mg Zoloft in the morning, 3x 10mg Bensedin (Diazepam) a day, and 1/3 150mg Trittico (Trazodone) before sleep. I was prescribed this mainly for depression I had for years and a sudden mood swings (Usually to anger/irritability) that started in last few months. At psychiatry I was also given a one time injection of liquid Bensedin (Diazepam) witch is why I stated with therapy on 20.mart. This is the first time I ever started using any medical narcotics prescribed by specialist, although it's the 4th time I went to psychiatrist thru out the last year and a half and prescribed medicine I never started using any of them out of unsatisfaction of how I was received, all 4 times I went to different psychiatrists, and all 4 times a season lasted for less than 15 minutes. The second time I went to psychiatrist I was told that full therapies don't exist in government healthcare system of my country and that all they can do is briefly lessen to me and prescribe me meds based on what they hear, than see me for check up once a month to again briefly lessen to my reactions on medicine and change something if they think necessary, and that if I wanted something more I would have to go to a private clinic, witch is not something I can afford. Among those 4 times I was diagnosed with 1rst time: personality disorder, OCD, Depression and Schizophrenia. 2nd time with Depression and Anxiety disorder. 3rd time with Depression and possible Bipolar disorder, 4th time with Depression, sudden mood swings and instructed to go to a clinic for people with drug addictions (witch I don't have). Personally I consider those diagnosis less professional and on lower level than self-diagnosis, but I started with therapy anyway cause I was left with no other options as I reached a limit with how much I can help myself on my own and with self-medications I tried.

After second time I went to a psychiatrist (20.jun.2019) I decided to try self medicating with street drugs using my previous experience with recreational drugs and information I can find on internet as I considered it a safer option than taking meds I know nothing about prescribed by a clearly unprofessional psychiatrist, and this way I could at least see effects imitatively rather than after months. Before this I didn't do any recreational drugs for about 5-6 years nor did I have desire to do them, so I wasn't going in this for a fun. I started with low doses of marijuana as I read that in low doses marijuana can help reduce anxiety and from experience I know it can relax you and make you sleep better as wee at least temporarily put your depression on hold. I occasionally used it for about 2-3 months, mostly ether before sleep or alone in nature. While it would often if not most of time make me paranoid at start of having an effect even in low doses after that it would relax me and even after effects pass my irrational fears would lessen. After 2-3 months my irrational fears have nearly completely dissapired and my anxiety has somewhat lowered (Although some big positive social changes in my life during this time probably had a rule to play in this as well), after that I found smoking didn't do anything for me any more in a therapeutic way so I stopped. On the negative side it made me start smoking cigarettes again, this is probably due to fact that in my country weed is always mixed with tobacco. After that I smoked weed only a few times up till now when I was feeling really low, similar to how some people drink when they feel bad, just in my case weed has more positive effects on me than alcohol.

Some 5 moths ago due to some really bad social happenings my depression and anxiety have significantly worsen, I tried smoking weed again but it didn't help, I tried drinking but it didn't help eater, I was at a point I couldn't do anything anymore, I even stopped taking care of myself like shaving or changing close, it just felt like nothing mattered anymore, like it's all over for me and there's no hope left, and I feared to even think of hoping. I would just do nothing but think all day long, just repeating the same negative thoughts true my head every single day all day long. Than I come at idea of trying speed, it took some time to manage to get my hands on it but I managed in the end. I started with a low doze, 2x around 0.2g for a day. The first time it really helped a lot, I cleaned house, washed clothes, shaved, got dressed ad net, started thinking highly positively of the future, my anxiety nearly disapired and in the end I went out to a rave and had a great time. Surprisingly I didn't even get high depression you are suppose to get when effect of speed wear off, I just went back to the same, if not even better state than usual, probably due to fact I actually had some fun for a change and out of feeling proud that I managed to do so many chores I neglected for months. I did feel physically tired the next day due to parting all night and skipping a night of sleep, but psychologically I felt relaxed and happier than I had been for months (Exuding while I was under effects of speed). I planed to make a break for a few days and and do it again, but as I catch a pretty bad cold I didn't do it again for 2 weeks. When I started doing it again I did it for 3 nights strait with the same dose, 2 x 0.2g dunning night while a made a break during day so I could get low enough that I can eat something. Again it had very positive effect on me both while I was on it and after that, it did miracle for my depression, I even managed to make myself go job hunting that I really needed but couldn't force myself to do due to depression. After that I run out of speed and I couldn't get my hands on more for a whole month, when I did I both a higher doze 5g so I would have it for a while, I planed to stretch it out thru a month so I can constantly function properly, witch is not something I could do when I was strait. But things didn't turn out as I planed, for start a doze of 0.2 this time didn't do anything for me, so I took another one, I started feeling something but but effect was still very low, only after I took around 0.8g in a span of 2h did I get a desired effect I got from 0.2g the last time, still, that night turned out great like last time, but the next night, it took me the whole 2g and even then I didn't get desired effect, even worse when it was stopping to work, It had very weird effects on me i never experienced before, colors got way brighter, I started seeing things and shapes, felt super tired but super relaxed at a same time, among other things. I suspect that speed I took this time was eater very week, or it was mixed with something else, or both (weirdly, everyone else I know who took it claimed it was extremely strong). The next day after some sleep I was back to normal, witch means depressed. fearing the remaining speed won't have effect on me I took it now I decided to take a day of break and push thru a day somehow, witch was very hard as I was starting my first day on job that day and with depression when not even feeling like getting out of bed having to work was practically a torture. The next night I had to take speed again if I wanted to get thru the next day at work, knowing how week the speed I have is I took a higher dose, about 1g right away, psychologically it did absolutely nothing for me, physically on the other hand, I was sweating excessively, my heart was beating like crazy, I was super confused, tired, I am guessing I got what I later learned is called serotonin syndrome, or something close to it. Worse, knowing that even speed can't help me anymore with my depression I felt like there is no hope, I got super depressed, and because of feeling sick some of the fears I got rid of thanks to weed started to come back. Not knowing what to do anymore in the morning instead of going to job I went to my doctor and explained a situation and asked if there is anyone I could turn to, I was hoping to be locked away in some mental institution where I would be monitored 24/7 as on my own I simply didn't know how to live with myself anymore, it didn't help that I had absolutely nobody to talk to ever since incident about 5 months ago that left me completely alone in this world, witch increased my depression. Although my doctor adviced me to wait a little and try some other mental institutions first as this particular one, while the only one where I can be admitted to 24/7 without needing appointment for a future is also a last step when nothing else works she still give me an open appointment at a biggest and most popular and serious mental institution in my country specializing mostly in heavy cases of serious mental illnesses. Unfortunately they turned me away from my request to be hospitalized at their institution clamming I am not serious case enough for them, not that they bothered to even lessen to my story, if anything they heard me out even less than at previous 3 institutions I went to, didn't even bother explaining to me what medicine they prescribed me for is. Thru this might be partly because of Korona outbreak and an out of order state of my country that is currently happening, they even claimed that at a moment they only accept emergent cases and only let me in out of good will cause I went such a long way from home to come to their institution despite the current situation.
Hey bro,calm down first, You can tell me your feelings here
 
O

OrionHarth

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Serbia
What to do when I get suicidial episodes from Zoloft? + intruduction Part 2


For the first 2-3 days I mostly ended up sleeping over all day long because of Bensedin (Diazepam). After that is where things get weird again, basically all 4 psychiatrist I went to prescribed me Zoloft among other things, and 3 of them, my own doctor and internet all claim zoloft isn't suppose to start having effect up till at least two weeks and can often take even up till 6 for it to start working, for me it started having effect right after 3-4 days, up till few days ago I felt great, emotionally/depression wise I felt nearly as good as on low doze of speed, just without all the side effects, my anxiety nearly disapired (although Bensedin probably played a rule in this part as well). Than few days ago effects dropped drastically, I range from not felling depressed but not felling happy eater, not felling anything at all, being somewhat depressed, and than there are episodes where I get severely depressed even way more than before, I get serious suicidal ideas, I always had such ideas for over 10 years, but I never had guts to do it as I always had severe fear of possibility of complete non existence since childhood, only wish to end it all, end the suffering that most of my whole life was and is, during those episodes I get depressed enough that I think it doesn't metier anymore, and yesterday I had full intention to end it all soon, just to take a few more days to do few last thing, I really thought I was going to go thru with it this time.

Those episodes don't last long, usually between 30min-2h but they are really bad, I fear one of them might be my last and I don't know what to do in those situation. Because of Korona public transport is closed down and as I don't own a car I also can't visit any psychiatrist/psychologist and none exist anywhere near me (The closest psychiatry is around 30km away from me). The only ideas I got is ether to take a very small dose of speed when I get those episodes, just enough to make me fell better while they pass, but I couldn't find much information on what to expect if I ware to mix those two, not to mention other two, to take extra dose or two of Bensedin (Diazepam) to fall asleep and sleep over those episodes, but this would pose problem when I end up not having enough of them for regular use, not to mention mess up my sleeping scheduled, or to try taking an extra dose of Trittico (Trazodone) as while I am prescribe it to take it in 1/3rds to help me with sleep it's main purpose is still SSRI like Zoloft so it might fight of depression from Zoloft, but this is just my own hypothesis, not to mention there would still be problem with not having enough of them for regular use just like with Bensedin, or to take extra doze of Zoloft hoping it would increase positive effect not negative ones just like recreational drugs usually do, but this poses the same problem as taking extra dose of Trittico.

If anyone thinks any of those are good ideas, or has any better ones please do tell me.
 
O

OrionHarth

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Serbia
Oh and yea, I should probably mention all other mental problems I have/had and their status (Note that those are self-diagnosed, but as mentioned before probably more professional than those I got diagnosed by those "Specialists")

- Mild depression since childhood that worsened as I was getting older. (State already described in text above)

- Anxiety that I developed somewhere during age of high-school (around the same time my depression started worsening) that also worsened over time (State already described in text above)

- Life long low self-esteem (with exception of intelligence in witch I am rather arrogant about) that also worsened as I got older (Had periods and episodes of improvement, but currently worse than ever)

- OCD constantly triple-check everything, especially things I have in my pockets witch when out of house I sometimes check up to every 10-15 minutes, always double-checking (Gotten significantly better since I started therapy, probably from relaxation caused by Bensedin (Diazepam))

- Constant random mood changes (Although I would still be depressed most of the time there ware often short episodes where I would randomly feel different emotions, depression it self would often too randomly change in kind and severity, sometimes I would get short euphoric and/or manic episodes as well, usually not lasting for long 30min-2h) and over-emotional responses to everything (Bad, expecialiy lately, aside from mood even my personality and opinions started getting random changes in episodes)

- Health anxiety developed about 2 years ego after I got seriously sick from coffee (Unsure why), had constant irrational fears, especially of poisoning, illness and allergies. (Used to be extremely bad, the worst/most unpleasant mental health problem I had, currently nearly completely solved)

- Sleeping disorder, sometimes I couldn't sleep for days, other times I would sleep like 14h-18h straight every day for no reason, Sometimes I would be sleepy all day long but sleep very shortly when I fall asleep 3h-4h so I would sleep fore few hours than be awake for few hours before going to sleep again and that would repeat for all day/night long, even when I would sleep normally hours wise I would never have a nice rest from sleep and would usually be tired from it. (This lasted for several years but about some over a year ago started drastically improving all on it's own with exception of last one, and that one mostly got solved since I started taking therapy)

- Recently started forgetfulness, while I always had extremely good memory and still mostly do, I would often find myself having "holes" in my memory, like remembering something being said but couldn't remember even if it was said around me, in my dreams, if it was part of my fantasy or if it something I heard in some video. Sometimes I would put some item somewhere and immediately forget where I put it, my memory of it would be completely erased even after I menage to find it. Sometimes I would start doing something and in mid doing it temporarily forget what I was doing, sometimes remembering things or thinking felt like struggling to find thoughts/memories true a fog. It has many similarities with forgetfulness coming from old age but I am way too young to have it being in my mid 20s.

- Having a pretty severe case of complex of being too old despite being in my mid 20's.

- Having a paranoia, believing people in my physical close aproximetry are talking about me, mostly badly, I can nearly hear them (Up till recently I could easily make a difference between things I hear and think I heard, recently not so much), additionally I always tend to think that everyone around me is working against me (it's an actual fact that people around me are liars, liaing me constantly) and that nobody likes me (Having a personal conspiracy theories regarding my "social life"). (Recently I can't tell what is real and what not).

- In my teenage years i had something a long the lines of DID, I had away lived double triple lives and had multiple personalities, those weren't just masks, my opinions and views would completely change to fit with people around me. When alone I would sometimes argue in my head between those personalities. (I believed this pasted around the time I entered my 20's, but it turned around it just temporally stopped cause I put all my social life on hold, and once I started having social life again around a year ago some mild symptoms of this started to return).

- I had gender dysphoria for a few years that passed around a year ago when I made few female friends/acquaintances and realized I don't have to physically be a girl to be "one of the girls" true I still think my life would be better if I was born a girl.

- I have/had a sense of dizziness, dream like state and unrealnes most of the time in different severity. Ever since I was a kid, growing up come with a sense of losing realness, like the world was becoming less 3-dimensional, less graphical/detailed, less vivid, less real. (This only ever continued worsening thru out my life)

- I don't relate to my physical looks or my life at all, like this is not really me, like I am just a bystander watching my life, controlling it from aside like a character in a video game I am role playing it but it's not really me nor my actual life. In my dreams I am nearly never me, I am eater some completely different character or me from childhood. Sometimes there are periods when I would also run on "Autopilot" and in those instances this syndrome would be at it's worse.

- I would often get lost in thoughts, eater thinking or fantasizing/day dreaming for a long periods of time raging anywhere from few hours to several days straight. And when I get in this "mood" it's not something I can stop willingly. (This has also improved since I started with therapy, true there where some slight improvements even before that in a span of the last year)

- After going for long periods without any sleep I would start to have hallucinations, mild hallucinations would usually start around 3rd day without any sleep and worsen from there. Hallucinations would completely disapire after I get some sleep.




Also some physical/social problems I have/had that definitely affect my mental state

- As a child I was beaten up by my father and severely trained to be manly, for example I was forbidden to cry, if father saw me crying he would beat me up until I stopped crying (Cause real man don't cry and can handle pain manly), for a time I was crying in secret, locking myself in a bathroom and stuffing my face in towels to help me suppress sounds of crying, until I learned to hold back the tears.

- I was both sheltered and neglected at a same time while growing up (My father was a control freak witch is why I was sheltered and ignorant about the world, but my parents never loved me or really talked to me so I was neglected)

- I never had any privacy during most of my life.

- I was raised in an extremely conservative neighborhood with a very high crime rate.

- I never really had any friends up till just before high-school age, and even than I never really had any real friends I could talk to, just people to hang out with but nobody I was close enough with to have serious talks.

- Around the age of high-school I drinked, smoked, got into fights, and done drugs.

- I never had a romantic partner, not that I didn't flirt and had people show interest in me, I was just always a huge romantic and always wanted to fall in love not be with just anyone (And up till now that only happened twice and nether of those times I could start a relationship with them).

- I am probably eater Asexual or demisexual, romantically I am mostly interested in girls with few rare exceptions.

- I dropped from high-school in second year cause I just couldn't bother to go to classes. (Originally planed to finish it latter in an irregular way where I would self study at home and just go to exams, but it never come to that).

- I stopped going out and hanging out with friends at age 18 after witch I spend the next 5-6 years as NEET spending most of all of my time on PC, mostly watching Anime, Reading VNs and playing games and JRPGs as well as hanging out on online forums related to anime. Exceptions ware rare and short family diner gatherings at witch we would usually just talk about a "weather".

- Somewhere around mid of that time I also stopped talking/hanging out with people online because of extreme anger and frustration caused by extreme oversexulization of everything often present at such forums. It was also around this time that my mental state started to drastically worsen.

- During this period of 5-6 years I lived in a huge poverty, having just enough money to barely get by, I was often going hungry, sometimes going for several days without having anything to eat. Because of this I would never thrown away any food and eat even things that had clearly gone bad, or that ware previously eaten by mouses, somehow I never got any serious food poisoning. The only time I got seriously sick was when I drinked huge amounts of coffee after not eating anything for nearly a week (As I read online that coffee can help relive feelings of hunger) and that was when I developed a serious case of health anxiety.

- Some year ago or so I met some of my old friends for the first time after 5-6 years, I hanged out with them a few times just for the sake of old times, but I ended up meting one of their new female friends and I really hit it off with her like with nobody ever before. I quickly opened up to her and we become close. It was a first time I really talked with anyone in my life, that I had anyone who would actually lessen to me. This made me start to go out again and hang out with her and true her with my old friends. (This drastically improved my mental health)

- Some 5-6 mounts ago I screwed up and got that female friend really angry at me and it was over between us.

- Currently I have absolutely nobody to talk to, online or offline (Since the last 5-6 months).

- Currently I am still co-owning a yard and two houses with my father with who I am in terrible relationship, we had been trying to sell those houses for years now and go our separate ways as neater of us can stand to even see the other one but up till now we had no success.
 

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