O
OrionHarth
Member
Recently (19.mart) I was at psychiatry and prescribed 1X 50mg Zoloft in the morning, 3x 10mg Bensedin (Diazepam) a day, and 1/3 150mg Trittico (Trazodone) before sleep. I was prescribed this mainly for depression I had for years and a sudden mood swings (Usually to anger/irritability) that started in last few months. At psychiatry I was also given a one time injection of liquid Bensedin (Diazepam) witch is why I stated with therapy on 20.mart. This is the first time I ever started using any medical narcotics prescribed by specialist, although it's the 4th time I went to psychiatrist thru out the last year and a half and prescribed medicine I never started using any of them out of unsatisfaction of how I was received, all 4 times I went to different psychiatrists, and all 4 times a season lasted for less than 15 minutes. The second time I went to psychiatrist I was told that full therapies don't exist in government healthcare system of my country and that all they can do is briefly lessen to me and prescribe me meds based on what they hear, than see me for check up once a month to again briefly lessen to my reactions on medicine and change something if they think necessary, and that if I wanted something more I would have to go to a private clinic, witch is not something I can afford. Among those 4 times I was diagnosed with 1rst time: personality disorder, OCD, Depression and Schizophrenia. 2nd time with Depression and Anxiety disorder. 3rd time with Depression and possible Bipolar disorder, 4th time with Depression, sudden mood swings and instructed to go to a clinic for people with drug addictions (witch I don't have). Personally I consider those diagnosis less professional and on lower level than self-diagnosis, but I started with therapy anyway cause I was left with no other options as I reached a limit with how much I can help myself on my own and with self-medications I tried.
After second time I went to a psychiatrist (20.jun.2019) I decided to try self medicating with street drugs using my previous experience with recreational drugs and information I can find on internet as I considered it a safer option than taking meds I know nothing about prescribed by a clearly unprofessional psychiatrist, and this way I could at least see effects imitatively rather than after months. Before this I didn't do any recreational drugs for about 5-6 years nor did I have desire to do them, so I wasn't going in this for a fun. I started with low doses of marijuana as I read that in low doses marijuana can help reduce anxiety and from experience I know it can relax you and make you sleep better as wee at least temporarily put your depression on hold. I occasionally used it for about 2-3 months, mostly ether before sleep or alone in nature. While it would often if not most of time make me paranoid at start of having an effect even in low doses after that it would relax me and even after effects pass my irrational fears would lessen. After 2-3 months my irrational fears have nearly completely dissapired and my anxiety has somewhat lowered (Although some big positive social changes in my life during this time probably had a rule to play in this as well), after that I found smoking didn't do anything for me any more in a therapeutic way so I stopped. On the negative side it made me start smoking cigarettes again, this is probably due to fact that in my country weed is always mixed with tobacco. After that I smoked weed only a few times up till now when I was feeling really low, similar to how some people drink when they feel bad, just in my case weed has more positive effects on me than alcohol.
Some 5 moths ago due to some really bad social happenings my depression and anxiety have significantly worsen, I tried smoking weed again but it didn't help, I tried drinking but it didn't help eater, I was at a point I couldn't do anything anymore, I even stopped taking care of myself like shaving or changing close, it just felt like nothing mattered anymore, like it's all over for me and there's no hope left, and I feared to even think of hoping. I would just do nothing but think all day long, just repeating the same negative thoughts true my head every single day all day long. Than I come at idea of trying speed, it took some time to manage to get my hands on it but I managed in the end. I started with a low doze, 2x around 0.2g for a day. The first time it really helped a lot, I cleaned house, washed clothes, shaved, got dressed ad net, started thinking highly positively of the future, my anxiety nearly disapired and in the end I went out to a rave and had a great time. Surprisingly I didn't even get high depression you are suppose to get when effect of speed wear off, I just went back to the same, if not even better state than usual, probably due to fact I actually had some fun for a change and out of feeling proud that I managed to do so many chores I neglected for months. I did feel physically tired the next day due to parting all night and skipping a night of sleep, but psychologically I felt relaxed and happier than I had been for months (Exuding while I was under effects of speed). I planed to make a break for a few days and and do it again, but as I catch a pretty bad cold I didn't do it again for 2 weeks. When I started doing it again I did it for 3 nights strait with the same dose, 2 x 0.2g dunning night while a made a break during day so I could get low enough that I can eat something. Again it had very positive effect on me both while I was on it and after that, it did miracle for my depression, I even managed to make myself go job hunting that I really needed but couldn't force myself to do due to depression. After that I run out of speed and I couldn't get my hands on more for a whole month, when I did I both a higher doze 5g so I would have it for a while, I planed to stretch it out thru a month so I can constantly function properly, witch is not something I could do when I was strait. But things didn't turn out as I planed, for start a doze of 0.2 this time didn't do anything for me, so I took another one, I started feeling something but but effect was still very low, only after I took around 0.8g in a span of 2h did I get a desired effect I got from 0.2g the last time, still, that night turned out great like last time, but the next night, it took me the whole 2g and even then I didn't get desired effect, even worse when it was stopping to work, It had very weird effects on me i never experienced before, colors got way brighter, I started seeing things and shapes, felt super tired but super relaxed at a same time, among other things. I suspect that speed I took this time was eater very week, or it was mixed with something else, or both (weirdly, everyone else I know who took it claimed it was extremely strong). The next day after some sleep I was back to normal, witch means depressed. fearing the remaining speed won't have effect on me I took it now I decided to take a day of break and push thru a day somehow, witch was very hard as I was starting my first day on job that day and with depression when not even feeling like getting out of bed having to work was practically a torture. The next night I had to take speed again if I wanted to get thru the next day at work, knowing how week the speed I have is I took a higher dose, about 1g right away, psychologically it did absolutely nothing for me, physically on the other hand, I was sweating excessively, my heart was beating like crazy, I was super confused, tired, I am guessing I got what I later learned is called serotonin syndrome, or something close to it. Worse, knowing that even speed can't help me anymore with my depression I felt like there is no hope, I got super depressed, and because of feeling sick some of the fears I got rid of thanks to weed started to come back. Not knowing what to do anymore in the morning instead of going to job I went to my doctor and explained a situation and asked if there is anyone I could turn to, I was hoping to be locked away in some mental institution where I would be monitored 24/7 as on my own I simply didn't know how to live with myself anymore, it didn't help that I had absolutely nobody to talk to ever since incident about 5 months ago that left me completely alone in this world, witch increased my depression. Although my doctor adviced me to wait a little and try some other mental institutions first as this particular one, while the only one where I can be admitted to 24/7 without needing appointment for a future is also a last step when nothing else works she still give me an open appointment at a biggest and most popular and serious mental institution in my country specializing mostly in heavy cases of serious mental illnesses. Unfortunately they turned me away from my request to be hospitalized at their institution clamming I am not serious case enough for them, not that they bothered to even lessen to my story, if anything they heard me out even less than at previous 3 institutions I went to, didn't even bother explaining to me what medicine they prescribed me for is. Thru this might be partly because of Korona outbreak and an out of order state of my country that is currently happening, they even claimed that at a moment they only accept emergent cases and only let me in out of good will cause I went such a long way from home to come to their institution despite the current situation.
After second time I went to a psychiatrist (20.jun.2019) I decided to try self medicating with street drugs using my previous experience with recreational drugs and information I can find on internet as I considered it a safer option than taking meds I know nothing about prescribed by a clearly unprofessional psychiatrist, and this way I could at least see effects imitatively rather than after months. Before this I didn't do any recreational drugs for about 5-6 years nor did I have desire to do them, so I wasn't going in this for a fun. I started with low doses of marijuana as I read that in low doses marijuana can help reduce anxiety and from experience I know it can relax you and make you sleep better as wee at least temporarily put your depression on hold. I occasionally used it for about 2-3 months, mostly ether before sleep or alone in nature. While it would often if not most of time make me paranoid at start of having an effect even in low doses after that it would relax me and even after effects pass my irrational fears would lessen. After 2-3 months my irrational fears have nearly completely dissapired and my anxiety has somewhat lowered (Although some big positive social changes in my life during this time probably had a rule to play in this as well), after that I found smoking didn't do anything for me any more in a therapeutic way so I stopped. On the negative side it made me start smoking cigarettes again, this is probably due to fact that in my country weed is always mixed with tobacco. After that I smoked weed only a few times up till now when I was feeling really low, similar to how some people drink when they feel bad, just in my case weed has more positive effects on me than alcohol.
Some 5 moths ago due to some really bad social happenings my depression and anxiety have significantly worsen, I tried smoking weed again but it didn't help, I tried drinking but it didn't help eater, I was at a point I couldn't do anything anymore, I even stopped taking care of myself like shaving or changing close, it just felt like nothing mattered anymore, like it's all over for me and there's no hope left, and I feared to even think of hoping. I would just do nothing but think all day long, just repeating the same negative thoughts true my head every single day all day long. Than I come at idea of trying speed, it took some time to manage to get my hands on it but I managed in the end. I started with a low doze, 2x around 0.2g for a day. The first time it really helped a lot, I cleaned house, washed clothes, shaved, got dressed ad net, started thinking highly positively of the future, my anxiety nearly disapired and in the end I went out to a rave and had a great time. Surprisingly I didn't even get high depression you are suppose to get when effect of speed wear off, I just went back to the same, if not even better state than usual, probably due to fact I actually had some fun for a change and out of feeling proud that I managed to do so many chores I neglected for months. I did feel physically tired the next day due to parting all night and skipping a night of sleep, but psychologically I felt relaxed and happier than I had been for months (Exuding while I was under effects of speed). I planed to make a break for a few days and and do it again, but as I catch a pretty bad cold I didn't do it again for 2 weeks. When I started doing it again I did it for 3 nights strait with the same dose, 2 x 0.2g dunning night while a made a break during day so I could get low enough that I can eat something. Again it had very positive effect on me both while I was on it and after that, it did miracle for my depression, I even managed to make myself go job hunting that I really needed but couldn't force myself to do due to depression. After that I run out of speed and I couldn't get my hands on more for a whole month, when I did I both a higher doze 5g so I would have it for a while, I planed to stretch it out thru a month so I can constantly function properly, witch is not something I could do when I was strait. But things didn't turn out as I planed, for start a doze of 0.2 this time didn't do anything for me, so I took another one, I started feeling something but but effect was still very low, only after I took around 0.8g in a span of 2h did I get a desired effect I got from 0.2g the last time, still, that night turned out great like last time, but the next night, it took me the whole 2g and even then I didn't get desired effect, even worse when it was stopping to work, It had very weird effects on me i never experienced before, colors got way brighter, I started seeing things and shapes, felt super tired but super relaxed at a same time, among other things. I suspect that speed I took this time was eater very week, or it was mixed with something else, or both (weirdly, everyone else I know who took it claimed it was extremely strong). The next day after some sleep I was back to normal, witch means depressed. fearing the remaining speed won't have effect on me I took it now I decided to take a day of break and push thru a day somehow, witch was very hard as I was starting my first day on job that day and with depression when not even feeling like getting out of bed having to work was practically a torture. The next night I had to take speed again if I wanted to get thru the next day at work, knowing how week the speed I have is I took a higher dose, about 1g right away, psychologically it did absolutely nothing for me, physically on the other hand, I was sweating excessively, my heart was beating like crazy, I was super confused, tired, I am guessing I got what I later learned is called serotonin syndrome, or something close to it. Worse, knowing that even speed can't help me anymore with my depression I felt like there is no hope, I got super depressed, and because of feeling sick some of the fears I got rid of thanks to weed started to come back. Not knowing what to do anymore in the morning instead of going to job I went to my doctor and explained a situation and asked if there is anyone I could turn to, I was hoping to be locked away in some mental institution where I would be monitored 24/7 as on my own I simply didn't know how to live with myself anymore, it didn't help that I had absolutely nobody to talk to ever since incident about 5 months ago that left me completely alone in this world, witch increased my depression. Although my doctor adviced me to wait a little and try some other mental institutions first as this particular one, while the only one where I can be admitted to 24/7 without needing appointment for a future is also a last step when nothing else works she still give me an open appointment at a biggest and most popular and serious mental institution in my country specializing mostly in heavy cases of serious mental illnesses. Unfortunately they turned me away from my request to be hospitalized at their institution clamming I am not serious case enough for them, not that they bothered to even lessen to my story, if anything they heard me out even less than at previous 3 institutions I went to, didn't even bother explaining to me what medicine they prescribed me for is. Thru this might be partly because of Korona outbreak and an out of order state of my country that is currently happening, they even claimed that at a moment they only accept emergent cases and only let me in out of good will cause I went such a long way from home to come to their institution despite the current situation.