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what should i do ?

Tawny

Tawny

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This is really helpful.

The problem mood for me is when there is a negative energy feeling, or energy that feels restless and impossible to sit with. The way to guess how he feels is by his choice of music. If music doesn't help but irritates, then the person might be depressed.

If music helps, the music chosen might be fast, intense, loud, and just sounds like a dark chaotic energy. Tinie Tempah - Pass Out is quite a telling one.

If music is upbeat 'clap along if you feel like a room without a roof' that is more hypomania.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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thanks
i will reply individually later
im in lots of pain

it seems he was not drunk last night when he left the house ,his aunt says
we argued because i was distressed he could not go one night without drinking alcohol
that worrys me a lot
he says he is not an alcoholic
we sat down and agreed he would drink 3 bottles of wine a week ,one bottle of spirits and 4 lagers
his aunt said that is too much to drink in one week
i would not know ,but he doesn't seem to be sticking to it

im sorry for caring and wanting him to be healthy and not die
he has physical problems and should not be dinking at all really
but its his choice
i haven't tried to stop him drinking ,just cut down
its the expense of it too

if he was smoking too,it would be like £70 a week for alcohol and cigarettes
we just cannot afford that

i don't know what people are thinking about me ,like its my fault
im not even going to say what he said to me last night

it was a sensitive subject he hit upon and im feeling very unwell
he was not apparantly drunk when he said it to me
he got drunk when he left the house
im sick of everything
im scared to even broche the subject as im met with defensiveness and anger

im sorry but i have feelings to

if he drinks he could be unwell
if he smokes he will die because of his asthma

maybe i should just put up and shut up
keep quiet and let him get on with it

that does not seem very caring ,letting someone you love destroy their body and die

i just wish he could be happy having me and star ,i knwo its not the same as what he had before but that is not my fault

i have the cardiologist on thursday,imagine if they said-lose 4 stone or you will die in a year
i imagine he would care enough to want to try keep me alive

so he said he is not an alcoholic
i have no clue
all i know is that he seems to get drunk a lot and say mean things he would not usually say
idk anymore
but im feeling really ill myself
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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im thinking the only way to get through thsi is by taking regular overdoses again
idk what else to do to cope
i stopped doing it because it upset him so much
idk how else to cope other than to hurt myself right now
 
Tawny

Tawny

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@Fairy Lucretia You are caring for someone, looking after them, when you already aren't very well and have a dog to look after. You are doing very well and should be proud of yourself. I hope one day soon he is well and will not need so much help.

Your plan with him for drinking is a step forwards. I don't know anything about amounts but as long as you reduce it every 2 weeks or so, maybe eventually he will be in control. It is like having diazepam, we know how many we have, and so save it for emergencies. We build up strength and confidence we can get through without taking it.

If you can print that mood scale out and put it on the wall, that might help. I have mine on my kitche cupboard. I have a cheap calender every January where i write one or two words of how i feel/symptoms. You could both have one.

No overdosing
I am sure things will get better soon, your appointments are coming soon, just hold on a bit longer
 
Tawny

Tawny

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3 thinks that were good today:

1.
2.
3.

Old school but might be helpful at bedtime
 
C

CabbageMama

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Fairy, you say the drinking is his choice. He does have other choices. It is an excessive amount to drink. I was drinking that much when I was really struggling. It is a very unhealthy amount. It will be difficult for him to stop drinking, but there is help available if he wants to stop. He has the support of a kind and loving partner, which is more than most people. There are medical routes, therapy options and other support plans. It doesn’t sound like he is ready to stop drinking at the moment and pushing somebody to stop when they aren’t ready rarely works and will probably inflame the situation for you both, ironically might make him drink more. You putting a stop to funding the habits that are causing you so much anxiety and upset in your relationship is maybe a good place to start though, if you don’t know what to do at the moment and are worried about making bigger, more long term decisions. You shouldn’t be buying the cigarettes and alcohol that consume you with health worries for him and leave you feeling financially insecure. Bipolar has been mentioned. I don’t know anything about your Partner or their diagnosis, but I have bipolar. My medication road was a rocky one, but cutting out alcohol has helped my stability so much. Drinking was a bad bad mix with the bipolar meds for me. Just in case that does apply. Sending you love. X
 
H

hurghydurdy

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I know this has been said on here before so I'm really sorry if this isn't helpful, but as you seem to be worrying about people thinking its your fault, as well as considering serious self-harm as the only way to cope, I felt like i should say again that you deserve to feel safe and secure in your own home and with your own money used for yourself. The situation sounds incredibly difficult, toxic even. Not all couples live together, you don't have to carry on like this. Your partner is clearly not in a good place and his addiction and behaviour are causing you intense pain and are now endangering your life and health. How can you be expected to care for him when you are this unwell? It doesn't seem feasible. You are not responsible for him, you need to look after yourself first and foremost. He might be a good person at heart, I couldn't possibly say, but his behaviour really does sound abusive. I don't think it is good for either of you for this situation to continue as it is.

Sending so much love to you Fairy Lu, I hope for happier times for you soon
 
F

flabbergasted

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Lu - if his aunt said that amount was too much to drink then it is too much to drink - she loves you and wouldn't lie about it. He may not have been "falling down, stumbling drunk" when he left, but I'd bet my right arm that he was somewhat 'tipsy' (under the influence) when he left (brain affected by the amount he'd already drank) - and that's why he slung an insult at you that hurt your feelings...

As far as him saying he's not an alcoholic - only speaking from my experience - but I've never heard of anyone admitting to being an alcoholic until they face facts and are in recovery from the alcohol. Then they can admit that they need to watch very closely or quit the drinking...otherwise it's denial.

Please, if you can at all, quit giving him money, --he's an adult just like you and me and everyone else on here - let him pay for his own habits....giving him the money to buy the alcohol that is causing sooo many problems is not helping him or you.....

As to blaming yourself in any way for any of this --- Good Lord - you are the best thing that ever entered his life!!! Again, I'd bet my right arm that he's never had it sooooo good!! I don't think you are funneling the alcohol down his throat......none of this is your fault...he's a grown man and he is responsible for his actions.

Hoping soon he will realize he needs to cut back or stop and then he'll return to the person you fell in love with.....best wishes
 
Lone_wanderer

Lone_wanderer

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Lu, I have been addicted to a lot of very unhealthy things in my time and I will tell you that no addict even considers giving up until they admit that they have a problem.
 
E

EclipticNight

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Don't forget to take care of yourself Lu. Your pain matters. No need to be embarrassed, we can't help where we get ill.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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thank you so much everyone
well i decided this morning
enough is enough
i have a doctors appt thsi afternoon ,its just across the road ,and guess what?
I GOING ALONE!
i will show him i don't need him
thought about this long and hard

I AM NOT THE PROBLEM HERE!

it stops ,or its over x
 
F

flabbergasted

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@Fairy Lucretia - Hey - you made me think of that old song "I am woman, hear me roar" ---- you are much braver than you give yourself credit for - you can do this ---- keep those thoughts in your brain and let all of us members "hear you roar"!!! Where's that darned 'proud of you emoji"!!
 
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