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What should I do?

L

lwinnie

New member
Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
1
Location
New York
Ever since I could remember, I have always suffered from depression. I would go months at a time feeling horribly depressed, which always involved some form of self harm. I don't have a large friend group, but after years I finally was able to talk to them about my depression. This helped only the first few times. I also go through the majority of days not feeling myself. I never feel emotion these days, and just drift through life without feeling. Weeks and Months feel like they pass as quickly as you snap your fingers. However, when I do feel some sort of emotion, they are extreme. When I am feeling happy, I am REALLY happy. On the other side, if I feel sad or stressed, thoughts of suicide cloud my head, and I harm myself. I feel like there are two sides struggling for power in my head. One side is a caring, compassionate person, full of energy and passion. The other side is a careless, unmotivated and evil person. As it stands, the evil side is winning. I also can't seem to care about my health. I have had diabetes since 12, and almost got it under control. However, I didn't. Since then, I have been on a steep decline. My doctors have told me at the current rate, I'll be on dialysis at age 21. My family is devastated and frustrated with me. But for some reason I just can't care. I know I need too, but my mind won't allow me. I don't really know how to explain it. I am incredibly stressed between full time college and full time work. I adamantly believe that the only thing stopping me from killing myself is my job. However, it has not been going well. No matter how much I try and care for my job, it is never enough. I feel completely trapped in my head.

What should I do?
Why am I like this?

I don't want to tell my parents about all of this. They would think I am a monster. They have seen the things I have done to my wrists, and commented about how I am "weird" for doing it. My parents also watch me like a hawk, even though I am living with a roommate 45 minutes away. I want to see a doctor or therapist, but my parents will easily find out. I'm am deeply afraid that if I continue down this path any longer, I may reach my end.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
10,025
Location
England
Hi,
Welcome to the forum,
I'm so sorry you have depression and diabetes.
I'm diabetic type two and have had depression.
You have a lot to cope with, I hope you get your diabetes under control.
Have you tried many treatments for your depression?
I understand the not caring it's part of depression.
Your not weird for self-harming, have you had any support.
Take care
 
T

Tomorrows a new day

Well-known member
Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
165
Location
England
Hi, welcome here, sounds like you may be bipolar, have you ever seen a doctor about this? you're suffering unnecessary and trying to protect your parents by not telling them isn't the answer. Help is out there, but it is you that has to choose to take it, you're not alone having mental issues.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
10,025
Location
England
Please note only a qualified dr etc can diagnose.
 
daffy

daffy

Well-known member
Moderator
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
6,424
Location
hiding behind the sofa
Hi there and welcome, are you under a pdoc if not I suggest you see your GP and explain your problems and ask to be referred to get a diagnosis. There is treatment available. It could be medication or talking therapy
 
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