- May 21, 2018
I'm a twenty-seven year old female with the bone structure best suited for women with a small, curvaceous frame. I hate my weight. I feel like it's holding me back from reaching my greatest physical potential. It also makes me highly insecure. I constantly feel inferior to smaller women. I feel like my weight is a heavy burden that keeps me from enjoying physical activities and puts stress on my spine. I have difficulty with balance and with my self-image. I never have energy. I always feel dead. I'm ashamed. I feel guilt. I tried diets, pills, exercise; nothing works. I strictly eat vegan organic whole foods except when I'm battling the most severe thoughts of suicide and extreme depression. In those cases I can be found gorging on processed sugar in the form of candy, candy, and more candy, non-vegan vegetable or anchovy pizza, soda, or packaged sweets like cookies, cakes, doughnuts; etc. Afterwards, I usually purge and don't eat for a few days. Often, I fluctuate between feeling like I will die if I don't eat everything in sight and feeling like I will die if I take a single bite of food. If I eat until I'm full, I always purge. I try to eat just enough to assuage the hunger. It's hard. I may have a food addiction. I definitely have a sugar addiction. My erratic eating habits and more than ideal weight range are directly related to my depression. My ideal BMI would put me a bit that I currently weigh. That is where I want to be. It seems unattainable especially when I can't seem to control my eating.
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