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What Should I Do?

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Justwantstobehappy

New member
Joined
May 21, 2018
Messages
4
I'm a twenty-seven year old female with the bone structure best suited for women with a small, curvaceous frame. I hate my weight. I feel like it's holding me back from reaching my greatest physical potential. It also makes me highly insecure. I constantly feel inferior to smaller women. I feel like my weight is a heavy burden that keeps me from enjoying physical activities and puts stress on my spine. I have difficulty with balance and with my self-image. I never have energy. I always feel dead. I'm ashamed. I feel guilt. I tried diets, pills, exercise; nothing works. I strictly eat vegan organic whole foods except when I'm battling the most severe thoughts of suicide and extreme depression. In those cases I can be found gorging on processed sugar in the form of candy, candy, and more candy, non-vegan vegetable or anchovy pizza, soda, or packaged sweets like cookies, cakes, doughnuts; etc. Afterwards, I usually purge and don't eat for a few days. Often, I fluctuate between feeling like I will die if I don't eat everything in sight and feeling like I will die if I take a single bite of food. If I eat until I'm full, I always purge. I try to eat just enough to assuage the hunger. It's hard. I may have a food addiction. I definitely have a sugar addiction. My erratic eating habits and more than ideal weight range are directly related to my depression. My ideal BMI would put me a bit that I currently weigh. That is where I want to be. It seems unattainable especially when I can't seem to control my eating.
 
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Helena1

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
Oct 11, 2014
Messages
10,047
Location
UK
Have you had therapy for your ED? I have had it with an ED specialist and it helped a lot.
 
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Mary26

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
170
Location
USA
I don't know why but I have never met anyone who didn't lose weight through the Weight Watchers program. Have you tried it?
 
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Helena1

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
Oct 11, 2014
Messages
10,047
Location
UK
I don't know why but I have never met anyone who didn't lose weight through the Weight Watchers program. Have you tried it?
Something like that is not going to help someone with an eating disorder.
 
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Mary26

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
170
Location
USA
Something like that is not going to help someone with an eating disorder.
You are absolutely right! I read the post too quickly the first time and didn't get that it was necessarily an eating disorder but I reread it and yes, it sounds like Justwantstobehappy is struggling with an eating disorder. Thank you for the correction.
 
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lovetodance2018

Member
Joined
Mar 21, 2018
Messages
8
I am so sorry you are struggling. Most of us tend to compare ourselves with others which affects our self esteem. Most of us tend to focus on the external instead of the internal. You are a beautiful person on the inside and that is what counts. There is one of you and you are special. A suggestion is try to find things you like that could replace food. Maybe an activity like painting, reading, playing games, etc. Then whenever you feel the urge to eat and your not hungry you could go to one of those of activities. Also, it is helpful to see a doctor about your struggles. Have you discussed this with a counselor? They have techniques to help with eating disorders. I will be praying for you and please let us know how you are doing.
 
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serotonin.princess

Member
Joined
May 31, 2018
Messages
5
Omg I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm struggling with an ED right now and have been making recovery attempts. I listened to a podcast recently where a therapist discussed her college dieting history. She said that restrictive dieting actually caused her to *gain* weight because it brought about urges to binge on sugary, high-calorie foods. She decided to take a break from dieting one summer and found that she had lost weight and was back to where her body would naturally be. I don't want to discourage anyone from trying to eat healthy but you should definitely treat yourself once a day. There's this great quote from the show Twin Peaks: "Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it. Don't wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men's store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot black coffee" (here an FBI agent was talking to the town's male sheriff). But anyways, it's really difficult to live in a state self-denial and restriction. This leads to eventual binges and further feelings of inadequacy and self-hate. I would say check out Desserts With Benefits or Chocolate Covered Katie or Foodie Fiasco and bake/microwave yourself a treat. You can always use substitutes if that makes you more comfortable, like zero calorie sweetener instead of sugar or unsweetened applesauce instead of eggs. You can have your cake and eat it too! Same goes with other meals. Try to make them fun and enjoyable. Try mindful eating. Think of food as the ultimate nourishment and thank Mother Earth for what she has provided. And if you're into fitness, do exercises that you actually like. If you hate running or biking or swimming, don't do those things. Try yoga or weights or modern dance or pilates. There's lots of videos on YouTube you could follow (I use PopSugar Fitness). :) I hope this helps a little.
 
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