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What kind of depression do I have?

moonperson

moonperson

Member
Joined
Feb 28, 2020
Messages
15
Location
New Jersey usa
I have never heard of a form of depression that really sounds like what I experience. I wonder if maybe I have depression caused by another disorder, as I have other issues that have been persistent throughout my life just like my depression. Often time I wonder if those things were treated, I would get better in areas of depression. But then again, I shouldn't assume the cause of it if I'm just not sure. So my depression has affected me nearly every day for the past 10 years or more. I can't really remember a day that I didn't have some piece of it affected by depression, but there may have been some that I just can't recall. I'm not exaggerating either, I really can't imagine a day since I was really young that I haven't felt at least a small portion of the day I was hopeless or scared of my existence. It is really persistent. I'm very sure that I don't have Seasonal Affective Disorder because I actually experience so much depression in spring and summer as well. I know that I haven't had more than 2 weeks where I had no depression. My other mental health struggles that I know of include sensory processing disorder, some form of anxiety, and dysphoria. These things are persistent and have barely received treatment due to my current and past life situations. I feel intense guilt, very low self-esteem, and I struggle to feel that anything I do has a purpose. It's so hard to be positive anymore even though I really try to be. I think that many people would see me as high functioning in depression because many people are barely aware I have it, or if they have been made aware in the past, likely never saw signs or continue to not see them. The only time anyone seemed to recognize that something was wrong was years ago when my depression was at its worst and I couldn't go to school at all or do anything. And I wonder if maybe it is my fault for not communicating until asked. But there are reasons that I don't. I still haven't gotten much better. I am logically more hopeful but I still feel the same hopelessness. I have worked on getting better but I haven't much, and I still don't feel better. I just have a few coping mechanisms that keep me as functional as I can be. I feel like I am nothing inside, and that I don't really have a life of my own but that I chose that path in the first place. I am the one who feels I have no choice but to be alone, I am the one who decides to isolate and not speak about my struggles, I am the one who chooses to only help others and barely have enough energy for my own life goals. I feel like overall I am a really positive person at heart, always seeing the beauty in things and I don't spread hatred towards anyone. I just feel that there is also a deep negativity almost coexisting in the same moment as that positivity, where I just can't see any point in the good things in life or the bad things or anything. The only point I see is to help others and make them happy, but I have a really hard time being around people. I don't consider anything I do to be a success and I genuinely mean that, because everything I do even if it's good it's not really a goal I had because I feel so empty. And it's weird to say I am positive while I type all of this really sad and negative stuff, but I think it is important because I am still trying to understand and get better. Thank you so much if you read this I know it was long. I appreciate you and I'm sorry if this was not very uplifting! I'm just trying to get better :)
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
5,040
Location
England
To me it sounds like chronic depression. You are never to blame for that. You say you should have communicated earlier but if you have always felt this way you would not have realised you needed to seek support. I think it is positive now you are in a place were you want to have treatment.
 
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