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What it's like to live with depression

T

TheGoblinGirl

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Feb 22, 2015
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I've talked to and read a lot about people with depression. I have come to the conclusion that it means something different to everyone. It has different causes and different effects. For some, depression is a result of an event or tragedy in their lives. For others is it purely a chemical imbalance. It is not uncommon for it to be a combination of the two, as it is for me.

For me, depression is like another person, like I have another personality. I am fully aware of both selves, but my thinking is drastically changed when I am depressed. Depression can't just be fixed by saying, "Man, I hate being like this. I'm going to get help." Depression, while it usually leads to suicidal thoughts and tendencies, feels comfortable. It feels right. I just don't want to be helped. It is overwhelmingly relieving to think of suicide, of the fact that I can end my life so easily.

Imagine for a moment the job or career in which you would be the most miserable, the most boring job, or the one that takes you the furthest from your comfort zone. Now multiply that discomfort and unhappiness by, well, any number. Because the discomfort or agony experienced by depressed persons varies widely. How long would you stay with this job? A month? A year? Two years? Would you not just quit? You may be thinking, "Well E****, quitting my job is not a big deal." But to one who is depressed, dying is not a big deal either. This job that you hate so much is the life that I hate so much. Should you stick with your terrible job just because I say you should? No. So why should a suicidal person live just because other people think they should? "I think you shouldn't quit your job because it doesn't seem that tough to me. Other people have jobs that are way harder, and they do just fine. You should be grateful." These are the same arguments I hear from people who think suicide is wrong. "Other people have lives that suck way worse than yours. You should just be thankful to be alive! You'll die one day anyway, why rush it?" That last one makes me laugh too. You know what? You aren't a going to have that job forever. One day you'll retire, so why quit? Why rush it? It's going to happen anyway.

I'm not saying that I am going to kill myself or that I think anyone should, all I'm saying is that dealing with depression is not as black and white as choosing to get help or just killing yourself. Also, you can't always pinpoint what it is about life that you hate, so just changing your life isn't always a plausible solution. I see quotes all the time like, "If you don't like your life, change it." I hate that one. Sometimes what you don't like about life, is life itself. Which is why people kill themselves. What I don't understand is why people have to pretend to be experts in things that they clearly know nothing about. I don't profess to know about anxiety, eating disorders, schizophrenia, or any other mental disorder. I don't even profess to know all about depression. Because it is different for everyone. And if I have never had to deal with it, then I obviously have no place saying a damn thing about it.
 
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Kerome

Kerome

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"If you don't like your life, change it." I hate that one. Sometimes what you don't like about life, is life itself.
Yeah, but there is so much you can change about life, why not pick one of those things? For example, become fanatic about yoga and go every day to a yoga studio. Or ditch the family if you dislike them and become a befriender, make a bunch of new friends to do things with. Or even buy a plane ticket to Vietnam and stay there, until you get tired of it, it's cheap and at worst you can become a beach bum.

It seems to me that getting obsessed with suicide is a kind of hypnotism, born out of a disappointment with life. But it's not all roses, you have to have hope and guard that hope, not look too far ahead, and get on with things. It's not all handed to you on a platter, sometimes you have to prove you have some grit.

Death is so final, it's easy to become obsessed by it. But I do believe we are here for a reason, and cutting our stay on this world short seems like a cheap shot, a cop out. It's better to shoulder the burden and keep going, unless you really, really can't, and in that case it's better to make use of euthanasia in a place where it's legal.
 
T

TheGoblinGirl

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Feb 22, 2015
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It's better to shoulder the burden and keep going...
There's the thing, though. Who says it's better? That term is purely subjective. Based on your beliefs it is better. Based on mine it isn't. Why not change something about my life? Because I don't want to. Nothing about life appeals to me. Do you have any desire to rip your face off? Why not? How do you know it won't be fun? Is it because it will hurt? It will suck? Lol well. That is how I feel when people ask me why not live? Because I don't want to. I have no desires to continue. People ask me, "Why not live?" I ask them, "Why live?" And I have never heard a response further than, "OMG people love you. How could you do that to them?" If life is to be lived so as to not hurt another person, if I myself am supposed to suffer so that someone else won't... I mean that is just idiotic.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Nothing about life appeals to me. Do you have any desire to rip your face off? Why not? How do you know it won't be fun? Is it because it will hurt? It will suck?
That's a failure of your imagination, and your hope. Life is very varied, and not every experience is like ripping your face off. In fact, most experiences are very much better than that. All you have to do is be open to it, enjoy it, and steer away from focussing on the negative.

People ask me, "Why not live?" I ask them, "Why live?" And I have never heard a response further than, "OMG people love you. How could you do that to them?"
It's flippant and disrespectful of life to think of just stepping out of it like that. People do love you. Why would you take the very drastic step of just throwing all the toys out of your pram and saying "I dont wanna do it anymore".
 
T

TheGoblinGirl

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I know it is hard for you to understand, but I do not want anything. I have no desires or goals. No hopes and dreams. And I am content with the idea of death. This world just does not have anything to offer me. The only reason that you want to live is because evolution worked on you. You have that self preservation instinct. You have instincts that I do not. You seem delighted by a repetitious existence. Eat, do extraordinary things so that you can make friends or connections which will help ensure your survival, make yourself pretty so that you can find a mate, have sex so that you can create more humans to do the exact same thing. Everything you do has a motive. You want something, so there is a series of actions you complete in order to get it. If you don't want anything, how can you ever do anything? And picking something to want won't work. You'll just end up with a life of half assed actions, doing things just because other people think you should.
 
SarahD

SarahD

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I know it is hard for you to understand, but I do not want anything. I have no desires or goals. No hopes and dreams. And I am content with the idea of death.
That's exactly how I feel.

I hope you get relief.
 
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