What is your point?

D

dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
393
#21
I'm still feeling down as hell like not seeing the point in anything.
I don't know why I feel like this, it's really frustrating.
It just feels like I'm going through life, going through the motions, but I feel so fucking empty, is this going to go away???
Am I ever going to be normal
 
D

dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
Messages
393
#22
Why does everything feel so empty and pointless, i'm googling as much as possible to find out how I can change but nothing's really working
 
D

dewey

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393
#23
I think I just reached the point where I'm over thinking and worrying about nothing, just ignore me
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
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#24
Would never ignore you.

I will, however, give you a virtual hug.
 
D

dewey

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#25
Would never ignore you.

I will, however, give you a virtual hug.
Thanks, but like honestly, this is ridiculous, i don't understand why I feel this empty. It's so annoying like what the hell is wrong with me. Why does everything feel so dull and pointless. I wish I had some kind of direction in my life, something to live for.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Messages
323
#26
Go back to school, that’s what I did.

It helped give me direction for the next 20-ish years.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Milky Way
#32
I'm gonna get me 5 cats and I don't care if anyone calls me a crazy cat lady
I got 2 cats and one of them wouldn't cope with any more in the house, she only accepted my other one cause my other one was here first :hug:
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Messages
667
Location
yorkshire
#33
I remember feeling so empty, but so needed that the only way I thought I could find some peace was to be dead. It was my first contact with the mental health team, and took 7 years from the first time I felt like to getting a diagnosis. It took 3 more years to figure out why I wanted to live and why I carried on.
I've been a nurse and cared for people, I was a good nurse, I'm a lecturer and care for my students and I'm a good one. I'm a wife, a mum, and I'm a good one, I'm a sister, I'm a daughter, and I'm a whole host of other things, but one day I realised I wasn't any good, I was an impostor, I wasn't worth space on the earth. And suddenly that was it.

Today I live for my husband, my children and my work, I'm writing a PhD that will change the way students are taught in my workplace, and maybe across the country. I'm just about to complete my first article for publication. And, I'm finally facing the last hurdle of therapy and doing so with a whole lot of trepidation but knowing it is necessary to keep me alive and to give me the skills and knowledge to knowing why I'm here.

It's not all roses. I still have bad days, depression, anger, worry, insecurities, rages, fears, but do you know what, people without BPD have exactly the same things. I was talking to my PhD supervisor, I'm going to be her first completion as a primary supervisor, and she is worrying that she won't be good enough and I'll fail because she missed something.

So it's not just limited to us, and I think this is the answer, why I live and why every day I get up and carry on.
I really hope you find your something Dewey, whether it's finding a place to go everyday, somewhere to visit, someone to visit, maybe consider volunteering, an animal centre, or something similar.

Take care xxx
 
D

dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
393
#34
I remember feeling so empty, but so needed that the only way I thought I could find some peace was to be dead. It was my first contact with the mental health team, and took 7 years from the first time I felt like to getting a diagnosis. It took 3 more years to figure out why I wanted to live and why I carried on.
I've been a nurse and cared for people, I was a good nurse, I'm a lecturer and care for my students and I'm a good one. I'm a wife, a mum, and I'm a good one, I'm a sister, I'm a daughter, and I'm a whole host of other things, but one day I realised I wasn't any good, I was an impostor, I wasn't worth space on the earth. And suddenly that was it.

Today I live for my husband, my children and my work, I'm writing a PhD that will change the way students are taught in my workplace, and maybe across the country. I'm just about to complete my first article for publication. And, I'm finally facing the last hurdle of therapy and doing so with a whole lot of trepidation but knowing it is necessary to keep me alive and to give me the skills and knowledge to knowing why I'm here.

It's not all roses. I still have bad days, depression, anger, worry, insecurities, rages, fears, but do you know what, people without BPD have exactly the same things. I was talking to my PhD supervisor, I'm going to be her first completion as a primary supervisor, and she is worrying that she won't be good enough and I'll fail because she missed something.

So it's not just limited to us, and I think this is the answer, why I live and why every day I get up and carry on.
I really hope you find your something Dewey, whether it's finding a place to go everyday, somewhere to visit, someone to visit, maybe consider volunteering, an animal centre, or something similar.

Take care xxx
Thanks for a heartfelt reply.

So do you think realising there are so many others in exactly the same boat has been a motivator for you?

Do you honestly feel yourself 'getting better' than you were before? With therapy I find it difficult, I find myself worse than I was before to be honest

Sorry to ask such intense questions I am just generally curious.
XXX
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Joined
Jun 16, 2015
Messages
667
Location
yorkshire
#35
I wouldn't say realising others were in the same boat was a motivator, but it did make me realise that I only had these feelings because I had BPD, if that make sense. I did a big reflective piece of work in about my supervision and why I couldn't send work in to be read, it was the first time I came across the term "impostor syndrome", when my new primary supervisor read it, she was like, do you think it's only you that feels that, I remember feeling exactly the same....

I then realised if you do research into your condition, proper research not just patient websites but clinical trials, clinical research, you start realising that there is a whole host of people out there that you could write their life story and they can write yours.
And suddenly there is that one thing that makes the world right, for me it was 2 books, 1 called healing the daughters of narcissistic daughters, and the 2nd called complex PTSD from surviving to thriving, both of these brought my world into reality.

Do I think I'm better following therapy?
In 2008 i woke up at 2 am and at 3:14 I tried to kill myself, 2 days later I tried again. The next day I walked into a GP nurses office at 16:55 on a Friday afternoon and told her I wanted to die.
She saved my life.
I spent 20 weeks with crisis intervention and CMHT weekly therapy, that gave me some space to get my life back on track. I met a fantastic pain management psychotherapist in 2010 he spent 3 years talking to me, we tried CBT and REBT, and in the end realised that neither worked, but he became my bolt hole when life overwhelmed, he was also the one who told me there something more than pain wrong with me and that I had a mental health problem. I didn't want to hear that so I did what we do best and I ran. 8 months later I was back in his office after having the meltdown from hell and nearly losing my job. I realised it was time to listen. Then the NHS pulled the rug from under me and stole him one afternoon. I was told I couldn't go back as I had been for more than the permitted 20 sessions and he had to stop seeing me.

He told me to go to the Dr's and get diagnosed.
In 2014 I went to the GP who refused to refer me saying I was fat/40 and had fibromyalgia, so of course I was depressed.

I went to see OH at work and met Dave, I've never been as relieved to see someone in my life, I knew him in a past life and we worked well together, he taught me to talk about emotions, to actually understand what emotions were and how to actually recognise them and put names to them. He then told me to go back to the Dr and change them.

I did and in 2015 I got my diagnosis, I researched the hell out of it, pulled it to pieces, put it all back together, and after 15 months of waiting I met Steve.

I can't tell you how much I owe that man, he changed my life, he turned me inside out, he learnt me to talk and not tell narrate my life, he made me feel, he made me happy, guilty, proud, furious, distraught, furious, and finally he made me realise, I am ME, and to be fair and truthful, all of the things that have happened, did so to make me one of the strongest people in the world when it comes to helping others and right now I quite like me.

He told me that on and off through my life I will need to seek therapy, to see someone just for a short burst to top up, to catch my breath, to talk about life.
Finally after 40 sessions of the worst and some of the best qualities I have and he gave me a life I never thought I'd be able to have again.
He gave me the strength to realise that I have the right to love and be loved.
I have the right to a career I enjoy

But most of all he gave me the strength to realise I have the absolute right to chose when and where I see my mum, when I don't have the mental strength to talk to her to say no, or not answer the phone but even more so, when I don't want to go I and see her I don't have to, even though she lives across the road less than 200 feet away from me.

He also gave me the strength to realise I wasn't ready for EMDR when we finished and it will be 18 months on the 30th April, this will be the first week I truly start EMDR and I ready.
I'm ready to deal with the abuse I experienced as a child, a teenager and as an adult.
I'm ready to deal with the abuse I delivered to my husband when we first met and I battered him, because I was scared he would hit me first.

So yes, I can honestly say therapy made me a better person, but it was the right therapy at the right time, from the right person.

If you are finding yourself worse after therapy than before then you are doing it right, Believe me, keep going, keep ripping the plasters off, keep making it hurt and one day you'll realise that what hurt last month doesn't anymore, and you are finally there. You have a you that you can live with, that you understand and that you know what you need help with, and what you can do by yourself.

XXX Poppy
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
8,324
Location
basketville
#37
well my point is changing somewhat i am surplus to requirements. i need a new life this one just aint working and now i dont know where to go from here.

so apart from that lol
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Joined
Jun 16, 2015
Messages
667
Location
yorkshire
#38
You are never surplus to requirements, you are a very special person, and mean an awful lot to me. At the start of my awful journey, you were the first person who spoke to me on this forum. For 3 years you have been there through some awful times, some fantastic times, through the start and end of therapies, with advice, support, hugs, kicks up the rear end, and general good humour and help.

You can do whatever you want, again, you are a strong wise and careful.
Take time and do what is best for you and you alone xx hugs xx Poppy
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
393
#40
I wouldn't say realising others were in the same boat was a motivator, but it did make me realise that I only had these feelings because I had BPD, if that make sense. I did a big reflective piece of work in about my supervision and why I couldn't send work in to be read, it was the first time I came across the term "impostor syndrome", when my new primary supervisor read it, she was like, do you think it's only you that feels that, I remember feeling exactly the same....

I then realised if you do research into your condition, proper research not just patient websites but clinical trials, clinical research, you start realising that there is a whole host of people out there that you could write their life story and they can write yours.
And suddenly there is that one thing that makes the world right, for me it was 2 books, 1 called healing the daughters of narcissistic daughters, and the 2nd called complex PTSD from surviving to thriving, both of these brought my world into reality.

Do I think I'm better following therapy?
In 2008 i woke up at 2 am and at 3:14 I tried to kill myself, 2 days later I tried again. The next day I walked into a GP nurses office at 16:55 on a Friday afternoon and told her I wanted to die.
She saved my life.
I spent 20 weeks with crisis intervention and CMHT weekly therapy, that gave me some space to get my life back on track. I met a fantastic pain management psychotherapist in 2010 he spent 3 years talking to me, we tried CBT and REBT, and in the end realised that neither worked, but he became my bolt hole when life overwhelmed, he was also the one who told me there something more than pain wrong with me and that I had a mental health problem. I didn't want to hear that so I did what we do best and I ran. 8 months later I was back in his office after having the meltdown from hell and nearly losing my job. I realised it was time to listen. Then the NHS pulled the rug from under me and stole him one afternoon. I was told I couldn't go back as I had been for more than the permitted 20 sessions and he had to stop seeing me.

He told me to go to the Dr's and get diagnosed.
In 2014 I went to the GP who refused to refer me saying I was fat/40 and had fibromyalgia, so of course I was depressed.

I went to see OH at work and met Dave, I've never been as relieved to see someone in my life, I knew him in a past life and we worked well together, he taught me to talk about emotions, to actually understand what emotions were and how to actually recognise them and put names to them. He then told me to go back to the Dr and change them.

I did and in 2015 I got my diagnosis, I researched the hell out of it, pulled it to pieces, put it all back together, and after 15 months of waiting I met Steve.

I can't tell you how much I owe that man, he changed my life, he turned me inside out, he learnt me to talk and not tell narrate my life, he made me feel, he made me happy, guilty, proud, furious, distraught, furious, and finally he made me realise, I am ME, and to be fair and truthful, all of the things that have happened, did so to make me one of the strongest people in the world when it comes to helping others and right now I quite like me.

He told me that on and off through my life I will need to seek therapy, to see someone just for a short burst to top up, to catch my breath, to talk about life.
Finally after 40 sessions of the worst and some of the best qualities I have and he gave me a life I never thought I'd be able to have again.
He gave me the strength to realise that I have the right to love and be loved.
I have the right to a career I enjoy

But most of all he gave me the strength to realise I have the absolute right to chose when and where I see my mum, when I don't have the mental strength to talk to her to say no, or not answer the phone but even more so, when I don't want to go I and see her I don't have to, even though she lives across the road less than 200 feet away from me.

He also gave me the strength to realise I wasn't ready for EMDR when we finished and it will be 18 months on the 30th April, this will be the first week I truly start EMDR and I ready.
I'm ready to deal with the abuse I experienced as a child, a teenager and as an adult.
I'm ready to deal with the abuse I delivered to my husband when we first met and I battered him, because I was scared he would hit me first.

So yes, I can honestly say therapy made me a better person, but it was the right therapy at the right time, from the right person.

If you are finding yourself worse after therapy than before then you are doing it right, Believe me, keep going, keep ripping the plasters off, keep making it hurt and one day you'll realise that what hurt last month doesn't anymore, and you are finally there. You have a you that you can live with, that you understand and that you know what you need help with, and what you can do by yourself.

XXX Poppy
Thank you