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What is wrong with me????

U

unreal23

Member
Joined
Dec 13, 2009
Messages
6
I think it is social anxiety? But I am pretty outgoing and fit in pretty well into most groups but often times there is a voice in my head monitoring my appearance and judging my words or thought, or whispering what other people may be thinking about me. This also makes me feel uncomfortable when meeting people for the first time, or being the focal point in groups. Often, I convince myself of failure before trying a particular thing, whether it is rock-climbing or something at work.

I rarely get to the point of sweats, or butterflies in the stomach or trouble breathing. It is more of a nagging yet debilitating persona which keeps me from living my life as I should. Does this ring a bell for anyone? Am I just suffering from social anxiety and low self-esteem? Or some type of Avoidance disorder? I kept a type of journal and thought it might give people an idea of my thoughts.

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1)Reading people's glances and deciding they are thinking unpleasant about me
2)Feeling awkward in elevators, as if people are looking at me.
3)In group situations at work, feeling as if I have said the wrong thing and everyone is thinking how inept I am.
4)Overly sensitive with people's: facial expressions, even when they express slight frustrations
5)Overly concerned with appearance: clothing must look exactly like mental image of how I think it should look. Always worrying that something is wrong enough to where people will look at me and laugh inwardly
6)Afraid to try new things which involve any kind of physical activity: I feel that I am not coordinated enough to succeed and decide I will fail before trying.
7)Anxious / nervous when sitting around in groups – people are looking at me and judging my appearance somehow
8)Walking down a hallway – anxious moment about meeting the other person's eyes and saying hi. Should I look straight ahead or look at them?
9)Dont want to meet date while she invites me over, too comfortable in bed. Dont want to drive there, dont want to be pressed for overly physical contact. I feel while I am there, there is always the stress of having to watch myself and act accordingly
10)While at her house, my mind racing with thoughts of what will happen if I sleep with her. I may feel inadequate, weird, outcast? These thoughts keep repeating over and over as I make out with her and keeps me from relaxing, I am tense, and keep thinking about ending it and leaving, running away to the safety, comfortableness of my apartment.
11)Completely uninterested in doing things. Today, I meant to go to the bookstore and target or wal-mart. But I didn't I felt like it was too much work to drive out there, I just wanted to get comfort food, come back home and get into bed. I feel a bit lonely, but am comfortable.
12)I began thinking that co-worker had taken offense (he responsed with a comment) to a light hearted comment I had made over email and began to dwell on his response and even develop anyomosity towards him in my imagination.
13)I was wary about contacting my boss about certain things on Friday, for fear or? Of requesting something that would sound stupid, or making myself look inept.
14)I always seek to make people laugh at my jokes to give me a sense of being liked, or try to appear 'cool' and that gives me a sense of respect.
 
A

Ainsworth

Guest
:welcome:

well, those are the things i feel but mine lead to paranoia and aggression and thoughts i cant control. i lose all sense of the world around me at that point.

i dont know what PD i have :confused:
 
Scared with BPD

Scared with BPD

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 9, 2009
Messages
362
Location
Within Four Walls
Dear Unreal

It sounds a little to me like you are suffering from depression, the lack of wanting to do stuff anymore. The things you described about worrying how people are perceiving you and actually "mind reading" I totally understand. It can drive you to distraction and the best way I have found of dealing with it is to try and teach yourself (although it's hard at first) to focus on the people you love and love you and take their comments and observations on-board and try and filter out all the rest of the stuff. What does it really matter what people who you don't know think about you?

Take care of yourself and please try not to worry.

Please keep posting on this site, there are so many wonderful people on here who, I promise you, have lifted my spirits no end.

C x
 
U

unreal23

Member
Joined
Dec 13, 2009
Messages
6
I thought I was suffering from depression also, but I just don't have that feeling of numbness and gray pall over each day. I went through a couple of months last year of being depressed and this does not seem the same. Maybe I am wrong? Maybe it is a different form of depression. I've never been one to have many hobbies - but I remember 4 or 5 years ago when I was happy or content while playing video games on the computer, or spending time having dinner with friends. I don't get that kind of satisfaction anymore from much of anything.

What do you do to get yourself into different things when you don't feel like doing anything and so don't even know what to try?

1 BIG thing I should mention - I am quite often tired and feeling unrefreshed after I get home. I was diagnosed with Deviated Septum a couple of years ago and this is often associated with Sleep Apnea. Sleep Apnea then is known to cause tiredness and host of other issues. I plan to have surgery to correct this pretty soon
 
A

antipsionic

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
155
Unreal, I'm not going to pick up on all your points, just a few of them and submit my own little contributions on the subject.

As far as you feeling that your boss and co-workers feel that you are incompetent, have you made any mistakes at work that could be playing subconciously on your mind that could be leading to these feelings?

Trouble meeting peoples eye at work during bumping into them in the corridor and being unsure how to react? Are there office politics at play that you feel uncomfortable with and are unsure how to react to them?

Trouble feeling close to a date? Is the person involved someone you are only casually involved with who you don't really feel to much for? If so maybe lay off the casual dating until you meet someone who feels more special and who you can really feel something for so that you would feel more comfortable being intimate with, its quality of relationships that matter.

As for computer games as a form of satisfaction, well I'm a hardcore gamer but get very jaded with games because there are few original titles, if your into mmorpgs try playing an fps, if your into offline games try playing online and fighting real people as a new challenge.

As for not finding relationships with friends that satisfying well maybe you need to expand your social circle.

A lot of what you express sounds like the generalized social anxiety that most people who have or still do function in the real world feel. But it may be the early signs of something more serious so try and nip it in the bud before you become to neurotic about it.
 
G

Gorgoose

Member
Joined
Feb 3, 2010
Messages
15
So much of this sounds familiar...constantly thinking people are judging me, massive insecurity in group social situations, overanalysing tiny things I said, even being afraid to do physical things because I think I will fail, lack of motivation to go out and do anything...I can't really tell you how to deal with it, maybe it helps to know you are far from alone in these feelings. I just try to think about how much of life I've lost out on in the past because of fear, and try to force myself to do things, and talk to people anyway, because I don't want to miss out anymore, and end up not really living at all.
 
P

poptarts21

Active member
Joined
Feb 14, 2010
Messages
27
Location
East Midlands
:welcome:

well, those are the things i feel but mine lead to paranoia and aggression and thoughts i cant control. i lose all sense of the world around me at that point.

i dont know what PD i have :confused:
Do you ever feel like life is passing you by?
 

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