• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

what is wrong with me

I

insectgirls

New member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
4
Location
London
Hi all, this is my first post here and I don't even know if I'll get any replies but I need to know what is wrong with me.

I'm currently 18, and I think I struggled with a binge eating disorder from when i started school in yr 7-11 because of stress and bullying at school. Then I moved schools in 2019 and binge ate often because moving was just so overwhelming for me, even though I had lots of new friends and was having a great time, so I became a little overweight and physically looked really chubby and bloated all the time. I've always been super self conscious about my body and weight and always thought people would like me more if I was just smaller and skinnier. In June 2020 I decided to lose weight so I started compulsively exercising everyday, and cut out all artificial sugars and some carbs like bread, pasta and rice and ate porridge for breakfast, salad for lunch and whatever mum makes for dinner. I also stopped binge eating by only eating three times a day at 7am, 12pm and 6pm. I did lose a lot of weight and now I'm bordering on underweight, (my body fat percentage is 20% apparently according to my scales) and I know this, but I still want to lose a little bit more, even though I haven't had my period since August 2020.

This makes me sound like I have a proper eating disorder but I don't have any proper fear foods really, I just avoid bread, milk, pasta and rice still. Also I really do think my relationship with food has improved since I stopped properly binge eating. A really weird symptom of this is that I have no hunger urges anymore. At all. I don't feel hungry. I've experimented on myself and I can just not eat for a whole day without feeling any different really. However, since April, because I recently turned 18, I fell into the trap of over-drinking, and over-eating with my friends. And, because it seems my body can recover well from over eating (ie I feel fine 3 hours later and look the same the next day) I've started binging again just out of curiosity? Just to see how my body handles it. Just like, I keep eating and eating even though I know I'm full. The weird thing is I don't feel guilty - its really just morbid curiosity mentally, even though physically I feel awful because my stomach feels like it's abt to explode. Also I only 'binge' on fruits and veg, not carbs or sugars. Also, this is so gross but I'm constipated all the time and I found out that if I overeat I can make myself poop a lot, lol (sorry tmi).

I don't think I have an eating disorder like anorexia or orthorexia but God i think about food ALL THE TIME. I obsessively plan my meals and get frustrated when I have to eat something unexpected. Like today at school I thought it would be veggie pie but instead it was pasta and I was so... angry? Frustrated? Upset? Because I hadn't planned for that even though I was expecting pie since literally before the weekend.

My point is, I want a normal relationship with food. I don't want to think about food all the time. I want to be healthy and I want to be normal. I don't want to overeat anymore. But I feel like I can't stop myself. Also I just feel so proud of myself when I go to bed thinking I underate, or that I finished a meal thinking I could eat more but didn't. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I don't WANT to have an eating disorder either, I've read all sorts of horrible things online about how it can mess with your body and end up killing you. I just, I'm so confused, I'm so scared. And despite all this, I don't want to gain weight but I don't want to be underweight and die.

TLDR: I don't get hungry anymore, and I still don't snack so I just eat at my set times and that's it. But I have started to consciously binge/overeat just out of curiosity to see what it makes me feel or to make me poop lol. This isn't normal is it? Also, just in case anyone asks, mentally I'm fine in every way apart from this weird eating thing. I'm not depressed, I'm not an insomniac or lethargic or whatever. I work out 4-6 times a week and walk 11k steps to and from school every week day and have a higher-than-average muscle percentage (according to my scales again). So like, I look healthy from the outside and feel fine in my head.

Finally, I go to uni in October and I'm just so terrified of what it will do to my eating. I feel like it's really possible that I'll either just forget to eat completely or overeat all the time. I don't know what to do. Sorry this is so long. Someone tell me what to do please. Sorry this is such a mess.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,764
Location
Nashua NH
Hi insectgirls welcome to the forums. It sounds like you have been struggling with your eating habits for quite some time now and I understand your concern. Since it’s a medical condition this is something I would definitely talk over with your doctor. He may be able to refer you to a counselor or other program for support. This Eating Disorders forum is a good place to learn more about what others have struggled with and possibly a place where you can connect with some others who share your experience. Chatting with us here might help also since we all have our own struggles too.
We are glad that you are here with us. xo, j
 
I

insectgirls

New member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
4
Location
London
Hi insectgirls welcome to the forums. It sounds like you have been struggling with your eating habits for quite some time now and I understand your concern. Since it’s a medical condition this is something I would definitely talk over with your doctor. He may be able to refer you to a counselor or other program for support. This Eating Disorders forum is a good place to learn more about what others have struggled with and possibly a place where you can connect with some others who share your experience. Chatting with us here might help also since we all have our own struggles too.
We are glad that you are here with us. xo, j
Hi, thank you so much for your reply. You see the thing is, I really don’t want to go to the doctor because it’s not possible for me to go to the doctor without my mum, and I know that if she knows about this she’ll overreact and make eating more difficult for me than it already is. Also I’m scared he’ll make me put on weight when I really don’t want to. Is there any way else i can get myself fixed without going to the doctor?
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,764
Location
Nashua NH
Hi, thank you so much for your reply. You see the thing is, I really don’t want to go to the doctor because it’s not possible for me to go to the doctor without my mum, and I know that if she knows about this she’ll overreact and make eating more difficult for me than it already is. Also I’m scared he’ll make me put on weight when I really don’t want to. Is there any way else i can get myself fixed without going to the doctor?
You really do have to tell your doctor about this. What you are involved with is a dangerous medical condition that can spiral fast. The kind of withholding of food that you are doing seems a lot like anorexia and this is an illness that people die from. If your doctor wants you to be at a normal weight that would probably be healthy. Does your Mom really have to go into the doctors office with you? That seems very invasive of your space and privacy. Couldn’t you ask her to have sometime with the doctor on your own? xo, j
 
I

insectgirls

New member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
4
Location
London
You really do have to tell your doctor about this. What you are involved with is a dangerous medical condition that can spiral fast. The kind of withholding of food that you are doing seems a lot like anorexia and this is an illness that people die from. If your doctor wants you to be at a normal weight that would probably be healthy. Does your Mom really have to go into the doctors office with you? That seems very invasive of your space and privacy. Couldn’t you ask her to have sometime with the doctor on your own? xo, j
Hi, argh it’s really difficult because if I do go to the doctors she’ll want to come with me and I mean, my relationship with my mum is complicated and there’s a very high chance she’ll get hurt/angry/offended/ all three if i say i want to go on my own. She knows i haven’t had my period since August as well and she thinks it’s just school stress, so she’ll want to know what the doctor says. Really, I feel split in half. i know people die from anorexia and i don’t want things to get worse but i don’t want to gain weight and i don’t want anyone to watch me eat or know that i have a problem. i’m stuck
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,764
Location
Nashua NH
Hi, argh it’s really difficult because if I do go to the doctors she’ll want to come with me and I mean, my relationship with my mum is complicated and there’s a very high chance she’ll get hurt/angry/offended/ all three if i say i want to go on my own. She knows i haven’t had my period since August as well and she thinks it’s just school stress, so she’ll want to know what the doctor says. Really, I feel split in half. i know people die from anorexia and i don’t want things to get worse but i don’t want to gain weight and i don’t want anyone to watch me eat or know that i have a problem. i’m stuck
Well I think it’s important to keep in mind that you do have an illness. It is an illness that requires support. The sooner you are able to get the support you need the more likely it is that the illness will be kept under control and will not spiral. Of course ultimately what you decide to do is up to you. But by choosing not to go to the doctor about it you are preferring to stay sick and to take the risks that come with it. I would hope wellness for you and hope that you do whatever it is that you think will get you there. xo, j
 
I

insectgirls

New member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
4
Location
London
Well I think it’s important to keep in mind that you do have an illness. It is an illness that requires support. The sooner you are able to get the support you need the more likely it is that the illness will be kept under control and will not spiral. Of course ultimately what you decide to do is up to you. But by choosing not to go to the doctor about it you are preferring to stay sick and to take the risks that come with it. I would hope wellness for you and hope that you do whatever it is that you think will get you there. xo, j
thank you, I will have a think over it. I have exams at the end of the month so I’ll stick it out until I’m done with school i think. it’s truly so weird because i think about food all the time but my aversion/restriction/bingeing of food comes in like waves or cycles? so i’ve eaten fine today. unfortunately this is unpredictable as hell so i’m stupidly nervous about what tomorrow will be like. otherwise thank you for your help :)
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
R What is wrong with me? Eating Disorders Forum 6

Similar threads

Top