What is wrong with me?

D

drowning-in-myself

Active member
Joined
Dec 1, 2018
Messages
31
Location
UK
#1
My life is barely non-existent. I don't have a life outside of my house. No friends, no job, no relationship. Anxiety stops me from having all these things. I made this account when I was at a really low point and I'm still at a low point, but I NEED to sort myself out so that I can eventually have some sort of a life. That's why I'm using this account again.

Just over a few months ago I started to try and get help again. But the problem was always because I smoked cannabis. The doctor's kept saying that I had to be cannabis free to see a psychologist. So the only way I could get to see a psychologist was by going to an addiction place, to get help with the cannabis. It was at the start of the year that I started going to this addiction place and back in February, after a few appointments talking to my support worker, they realised that my problem wasn't addiction (I smoke hash which is a lot weaker than weed/marijuana. It barely gets me stoned and I only smoke about 5/6 joints a day). A lot of how I am now is because of many things that happened before I started smoking cannabis. i.e. anxiety, depression, self-harm.

I had a mental health assessment done and it took 2 & a half months before I had an appointment which happened a few days ago. Although it was more of an assessment and they never really said anything about what they think is going on with me. I'm hoping they will in the next appointment. Seeing a psychologist is really important to me as it took me 3 years to finally been seen by one and now that I am, I need advice on what it's like seeing a psychologist and are they secretly making notes about a potiential diagnosis? As I believe I have a mental disorder, but I feel like they are going to just treat me as someone who's been through traumas. Or can I tell the psychologist that I think I have a mental disorder?

My next appointment is in a few weeks. I don't know what to do until then. I'm trying to think of ways of how to explain how I am. As I always appear okay at appointments and I'm not doing that bad right now, I'm not as depressed as I was and I've not stopped self-harming, but I haven't self-harmed in 5 months. I might be kind of alright right now but I know there's just something wrong with me. A few days ago I gave up on exercise as I had been exercising every day to try and make myself feel better and to lose a little bit of weight. I done it for a complete month, but it didn't work, it did nothing to improve my mood. My support worker wants me to try and get out of the house more by going to these groups, but I'm just not ready. That's why I'm starting with this forum, to talk to people and maybe even help people with their problems, I don't know.

Sorry for the long post, I really appreaciate it if you read it all. :peace:
 
J

Jules5

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
557
Location
Florida
#2
Welcome back. I am slightly new here on this Forum.

I am so glad you are seeking treatment for mental health and the hash. you could be suffering from PTSD as the result of trauma you when through early on in life. And yes this a serious mental health disorder. The Doctor will pick up on this, they are well seasoned people.
 
M

Marie07

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
43
Location
USA
#3
Hi. I'm glad you came back. What kind of exercises were you doing?
I read that you wrote you are feelings better, then you say the exercises weren't helping. It sounds to me like exercising WAS helping you. I know it helps me but I think I'm to depressed to do it... smiles! Keep it up and do some for me too.
And the workers you talk with diagnose you with a book the DSM, so iust be honest with how you feel and pay attention to triggers so they can diagnose you correctly to get the correct help.
Wish you the best!!
 
D

drowning-in-myself

Active member
Joined
Dec 1, 2018
Messages
31
Location
UK
#4
Welcome back. I am slightly new here on this Forum.

I am so glad you are seeking treatment for mental health and the hash. you could be suffering from PTSD as the result of trauma you when through early on in life. And yes this a serious mental health disorder. The Doctor will pick up on this, they are well seasoned people.
Thank you! and thank you for your insight :) I hope they pick up on something.
 
D

drowning-in-myself

Active member
Joined
Dec 1, 2018
Messages
31
Location
UK
#5
Hi. I'm glad you came back. What kind of exercises were you doing?
I read that you wrote you are feelings better, then you say the exercises weren't helping. It sounds to me like exercising WAS helping you. I know it helps me but I think I'm to depressed to do it... smiles! Keep it up and do some for me too.
And the workers you talk with diagnose you with a book the DSM, so iust be honest with how you feel and pay attention to triggers so they can diagnose you correctly to get the correct help.
Wish you the best!!
Thanks, I was doing workout videos on Youtube, some HIIT, cardio, ab exercises, using weights and even done yoga sometimes. Well if it was helping me, it didn't feel like that at the time and isn't that what it's supposed to do? Y'know make you feel better at the time? I will try and get back to exercising once I come up with a better plan for it! Thank you for your advice too!
 
M

Marie07

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
43
Location
USA
#6
Thanks, I was doing workout videos on Youtube, some HIIT, cardio, ab exercises, using weights and even done yoga sometimes. Well if it was helping me, it didn't feel like that at the time and isn't that what it's supposed to do? Y'know make you feel better at the time? I will try and get back to exercising once I come up with a better plan for it! Thank you for your advice too!
I've recently moved out in the middle of no where, it's peaceful I get sucked in to the calm but blabla before I moved here I went to yoga classes it was hard at first expecially cuz it was beat in my head all my life I had to be the best so yoga..ugggg it was so hard at first but I didn't quit. I had to force myself to go I didn't socialize much with others in the group but it works. I lost weight and my flexibility was great my thinking was better I loved it. Maybe it was that certain instructor.
I know I need exercise it boosts the brains endorphins "happy glands," Thanks for the reminder of YouTube. Gotta be some good videos :)

I'm having a hard time getting back on a regular exercise schedule.
 
D

drowning-in-myself

Active member
Joined
Dec 1, 2018
Messages
31
Location
UK
#7
I've recently moved out in the middle of no where, it's peaceful I get sucked in to the calm but blabla before I moved here I went to yoga classes it was hard at first expecially cuz it was beat in my head all my life I had to be the best so yoga..ugggg it was so hard at first but I didn't quit. I had to force myself to go I didn't socialize much with others in the group but it works. I lost weight and my flexibility was great my thinking was better I loved it. Maybe it was that certain instructor.
I know I need exercise it boosts the brains endorphins "happy glands," Thanks for the reminder of YouTube. Gotta be some good videos :)

I'm having a hard time getting back on a regular exercise schedule.
Oh, I'd love it if I could live somewhere quiet! What's it like going to yoga classes? My support worker wants me to get out the house more and keeps suggesting I go to places that do yoga. But I'm too anxious too, I feel uncomfortable just leaving the house to go to an appointment, nevermind go to a place and do yoga for an hour. Yes, Youtube is a great place for free workout videos and yoga videos! I'd recommend Yoga With Adriene, she's the best! And yes, yoga is great and does help, it's doing it regularly though, like you said. I motivate myself by saying 'well, it's better than sitting around doing nothing'.
 
M

Marie07

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
43
Location
USA
#8
Oh, I'd love it if I could live somewhere quiet! What's it like going to yoga classes? My support worker wants me to get out the house more and keeps suggesting I go to places that do yoga. But I'm too anxious too, I feel uncomfortable just leaving the house to go to an appointment, nevermind go to a place and do yoga for an hour. Yes, Youtube is a great place for free workout videos and yoga videos! I'd recommend Yoga With Adriene, she's the best! And yes, yoga is great and does help, it's doing it regularly though, like you said. I motivate myself by saying 'well, it's better than sitting around doing nothing'.
It's great doing yoga, I fell in love with it. It was really hard getting into, I didn't know anything and I had to push myself but the class and instructors were amazing, it was no judgement, just do the best you can.
No judgement being said... motivated me to return.
I've always had a hard time "working out," at home, but now I don't wanna leave my property. I'm figuring it out. Smiles. I'm anxious too.
Were I live, it's cold. I mowed the lawn to pick up last year's leafs yesterday, in a tank top, and today it snowed.
before I moved here I was in an apartment and it was the worst!!! I never wanted to go home, it was just a place for my "stuff," and now it's amazing nobody bothers me, I even have a hard time driving to town because I might have an anxiety attack. That apartment I was in did a number on me. I'm so much better here and my dog has a yard, he's great, he won't even poop in the yard, he always goes to the woods. I don't know what I'd do without him, he keeps my anxiety down and he has the best downward facing dog pose. Smiles.
thanks for responding, I hope u have a good night and I'm going to check out yoga with Adriene tomorrow. I've been addicted to Grey's Anatomy on netflix, it's great for the cold nights and/or depressed days.
 
P

Prince Charming

Active member
Joined
Mar 29, 2019
Messages
29
Location
Milton Keynes
#9
Hi Marie07 and all Glad you are enjoylng your new place and your dog We have a Cocker Spaniel he is a real affecinent thing . and we love him to bits
About keeping fit very important for our mental and phvsical wellbeing. I have joined three or four gyms .locally but left when .lost interest. I have a cross trainer device a nd..c a wonder core at home but hardly use them guess l am too lazy Hope you manage to get control of your anxiety.😎🐕
 
M

Marie07

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
43
Location
USA
#10
Thanks probably n
Hi Marie07 and all Glad you are enjoylng your new place and your dog We have a Cocker Spaniel he is a real affecinent thing . and we love him to bits
About keeping fit very important for our mental and phvsical wellbeing. I have joined three or four gyms .locally but left when .lost interest. I have a cross trainer device a nd..c a wonder core at home but hardly use them guess l am too lazy Hope you manage to get control of your anxiety.😎🐕
Thanks, prince charming...cute handle... smiles I too have always had a hard time exercising at home. I have a treadmill, I have used once, seriously. bought it for the winter months out here...haha that worked great lol
Yea join a gym. I like the 'clubs.' health clubs... community centers.
I've experienced those are so much better than gyms, just my opinion. I started yoga at the community center, an upper class one...I felt like a fish out of water. But once I went a few times and learned the classes I truly enjoyed, I kept goingbgor a few years. I miss it a lot. Was better then being in my ghetto apartment.
Maybe i can pretend with myself that I'm going to the community center and go walk the woods.
IDK I researched SAD this morning seasonal deffective disorder...uggg I'm feeling it. With my recent move to this beautiful calm place and the adjustment process (I love it here, just need to get settled, maybe) and winter hitting hard. I'm so over it. However summer is almost here, something to be cheering for, come on SUN. Smiles.
What's your story?
 
P

Prince Charming

Active member
Joined
Mar 29, 2019
Messages
29
Location
Milton Keynes
#11
Hi Marie07 l read your post with interest apparently you can get very strong lights to help with SAD might be worth a try. My story is l am diagnosed with Bipolar 1 for 20 years now I take lithium 600mg a day reduced from 1200mgs. M y pdoc has now discharged me to my GP and said l am in remission although l still take the medication. As l am now retired from work l have less stress and everything is easier. I have been married for 41 years my wife has been an absolute
blessing for me My . ,..son who is 37 still lives at home, My daugher.. lives in Australia now I live in a city called Milton Keynes been here 40 years never regreted leaving London we have lovely parks and woods here.Please try not to be anxious today because it could get worse tomorrow.Prince Charming:dance::hug:
 
M

Marie07

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
43
Location
USA
#12
Hey prince charming...been a busy day. I'd like to respond more tomorrow. You sound interesting!
 
D

drowning-in-myself

Active member
Joined
Dec 1, 2018
Messages
31
Location
UK
#13
It's great doing yoga, I fell in love with it. It was really hard getting into, I didn't know anything and I had to push myself but the class and instructors were amazing, it was no judgement, just do the best you can.
No judgement being said... motivated me to return.
I've always had a hard time "working out," at home, but now I don't wanna leave my property. I'm figuring it out. Smiles. I'm anxious too.
Were I live, it's cold. I mowed the lawn to pick up last year's leafs yesterday, in a tank top, and today it snowed.
before I moved here I was in an apartment and it was the worst!!! I never wanted to go home, it was just a place for my "stuff," and now it's amazing nobody bothers me, I even have a hard time driving to town because I might have an anxiety attack. That apartment I was in did a number on me. I'm so much better here and my dog has a yard, he's great, he won't even poop in the yard, he always goes to the woods. I don't know what I'd do without him, he keeps my anxiety down and he has the best downward facing dog pose. Smiles.
thanks for responding, I hope u have a good night and I'm going to check out yoga with Adriene tomorrow. I've been addicted to Grey's Anatomy on netflix, it's great for the cold nights and/or depressed days.
Well yoga classes are something I can consider down the line :) I'm glad your enjoying living in your new place, what kind of dog do you have? I have 3 cats haha and yes animals can be real healers for anxiety, I bet he has :) Yeah, I tend to watch ghost adventures when I'm feeling down.
 
M

Marie07

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
43
Location
USA
#14
I have a bullmatiff/lab mix he's a big dummy and I love him so much. He knows when I'm down and just hugs me it's awesome. Well I have to hug him but he comes close and knows the hug is coming haha. Dogs have great instincts. Cats are good too. I had a rescue, my first, and only cat. I named her George lol one try to reconnect with my mother lead to her dog killing my cat. Thats a story I don't care to remember Ugggg anyway my dog and cat became best friends before she was brutaly torn apart . I had her declawed. I suppose if she had her claws she could have defended herself. Ugggg right. Idk
 
D

drowning-in-myself

Active member
Joined
Dec 1, 2018
Messages
31
Location
UK
#15
I have a bullmatiff/lab mix he's a big dummy and I love him so much. He knows when I'm down and just hugs me it's awesome. Well I have to hug him but he comes close and knows the hug is coming haha. Dogs have great instincts. Cats are good too. I had a rescue, my first, and only cat. I named her George lol one try to reconnect with my mother lead to her dog killing my cat. Thats a story I don't care to remember Ugggg anyway my dog and cat became best friends before she was brutaly torn apart . I had her declawed. I suppose if she had her claws she could have defended herself. Ugggg right. Idk
Aww!! I just done a quick google search of a bullmatiff/lab mix, they're so cute! Yeah animals have a way of knowing when were down. I like dogs, but I would say I am a cat person. That's a shame, sorry for what happened to your cat. :hug1:
 
M

Marie07

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
43
Location
USA
#16
Thanks. Yea he's awesome. The bull mastiff is the smallest of the mastiff family, thank God, he's a little more affordable. Smiles, and really sweet but looks mean. Win/win yea I miss George she was a cat who thought she was a dog lol
 
M

Marie07

Active member
Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
43
Location
USA
#17
Well yoga classes are something I can consider down the line :) I'm glad your enjoying living in your new place, what kind of dog do you have? I have 3 cats haha and yes animals can be real healers for anxiety, I bet he has :) Yeah, I tend to watch ghost adventures when I'm feeling down.
Ghost adventures sounds cool, I watch Grey's Anatomy on Netflix and since it's all about surgery I tend to think I have aliments that I Don't have hahaha but it's actually a good flick. Lots of drama and big words lol
 
D

drowning-in-myself

Active member
Joined
Dec 1, 2018
Messages
31
Location
UK
#18
Thanks. Yea he's awesome. The bull mastiff is the smallest of the mastiff family, thank God, he's a little more affordable. Smiles, and really sweet but looks mean. Win/win yea I miss George she was a cat who thought she was a dog lol
Aww, he sounds awesome :). lol one of my cats thinks it's a dog sometimes.
 
D

drowning-in-myself

Active member
Joined
Dec 1, 2018
Messages
31
Location
UK
#19
Ghost adventures sounds cool, I watch Grey's Anatomy on Netflix and since it's all about surgery I tend to think I have aliments that I Don't have hahaha but it's actually a good flick. Lots of drama and big words lol
It is, if you believe in ghosts like me. Yeah I've heard of Grey's Anatomy, it's always a show I liked the look of but never got around to watch it.