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What is wrong with me.

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fortunato

New member
Joined
May 27, 2018
Messages
4
I am a 19 year old from the UK currently at university. I am writing this post because I feel like I have been battling with my own head my entire life. My life has felt like a roller coaster throughout my childhood and I just want to know what is wrong with me.
I've decided to post this on the depression forum because I have certainly suffered from it at times, but I believe it is a by-product of something else.

I'll start from the beginning. As a kid, from primary school and below (I believe it's referred to as 'middle school' in the states), I was incredibly hyperactive, and had incredibly bad organisational skills (constantly losing homework etc.) - but EXTREMELY bright, being predicted A*s in absolutely everything. At school, teachers could not contain me, and I could not contain myself despite my own best efforts. I would get over excited very easily and distract others when the teacher was talking. Concentrating on things that did not interest me was an impossibility, and it still remains this way to this day. I excelled at sport, namely athletics and football, and this resulted in me becoming boastful and arrogant. I would also tend to bully others as a result of this ego I had developed.(This seems weird to me as now I am incredibly empathetic, arguably too empathetic and it causes problems for me)

When I first moved to secondary school (high school) my life changed dramatically. I simply lost interest in the sports I was playing, and preferred to sit there playing call of duty on my Xbox. This is when the feelings of frustration began, as I knew I should be playing sports instead of doing nothing, and yet, I didn't want to.

My hyperactivity and excitability did not subside for the first couple of years at secondary school and this became a massive problem for me. I was loud in class, and this annoyed my teachers and my peers, when before my peers hardly noticed. This lead to slight bullying. People would tell me to shut up, and I would receive general playground insults. I had a small group of friends, who I am still friends with to this day, but everyone else just seemed to dislike me (this seems to occur all the time in my life, for some reason, despite my best efforts, I seem to be dis likeable. Which is so frustrating because I really, really want to be liked). My inability to focus also led me to falling behind in school work, my prospects of achieving the highest grades were diminishing. Even now, I feel like I want to stop writing this and just procrastinate more, it is so frustrating. These 3 factors of: Not being accepted, termination of participation in sport, and not living up to my academic potential crushed that little ego that had developed. My self-esteem became low, and it has not really risen since.
The later years of secondary school were the hardest years of my life. I am mainly to blame for this. I became obsessed with the generic social hierarchy structure at school. I just wanted to be popular. I wanted to be liked. I realised I had a way with girls, despite hardly being sexually attracted to them. I had and still have a very low sex drive. Therefore, to help boost my self esteem, I would seek positive romantic attention from girls. I am aware that this would be a childish form of romantic attraction. I would get girls into me and when they eventually became uninterested, due to the nature of high school relationships and to them eventually discovering my low self-esteem, I would attempt something very messed up. I would pretend I had relatives that were suffering from, or had died from, serious diseases such as cancer, to attempt to obtain the sympathy of whichever girl I had latched on to. I still don't truly understand why I did this, but it came back to bite me. As with all lies, it came out, and I was bullied. very badly, from multiple people, both verbally and physically. This was not the only cause of the bullying though, and many of the bullies merely used it for a excuse to bully. At the time, due to my obsession with the social hierarchy, I saw this bullying as a mere embarrassment - which means I was not coping with it mentally at all well. It is only today where I feel the true effects of being a bully victim. I am constantly paranoid that my friends don't actually like me, that I'm not acting in the right way, and that I will be bullied again.

Alongside this, my mental state began to change. As I grew older, my excitably began to diminish and instead a feeling of anxiety and restlessness emerged. I developed hypochondria, although this subsided eventually. When I lost focus and concentration in lessons I would instead get lost in my own thoughts rather than start chatting and disrupting the class. I became very insecure with my appearance and personality. I began spending more and more time playing on my Xbox, even when the games hardly excited me.

GCSE exams came round and I had no motivation at all. I only revised for the sciences as this to me required the least mental effort. My results were mediocre and the frustration with myself grew.

I left my secondary school (due to the bullying) after my GCSEs and went to college. I now was incredibly insecure and totally unhappy with myself. I made no friends (although I was still in relations with the friends I had at school), because I attempted to act like someone I wasn't in order to make friends and look 'cool'. I have realised as I've got older that it is very easy to spot people that aren't genuine but at the time I genuinely thought it would make me friends. In my A levels, I achieved ABB, which is not bad but I know I am capable of better as again I lacked the motivation to work hard and to revise. The grades got me into university, which brings me to where I am today.

Now, my head is a mess. I still find it incredibly difficult to concentrate and I have poor organisational skills. This has been amplified at uni because I have to be totally independent, when before I was reliant on my parents. I'm struggling with my course and it's looking likely that I'm going to fail the year. I have an exam in 2 says and instead I'm writing this.
I feel misunderstood and like I don't fit in socially. I've made friends, but I constantly have this looming feeling of dissatisfaction with the relationships I've created and the way I appear to others. I have fallen in to depression a few times throughout the year, but have sought after no professional help yet.
I have another very weird symptom, if that's what it would be called. During periods of depression or low self esteem, I find myself walking idly round my room drifting off into this dream world where I am some kind of world famous superstar, most commonly a football player. I know it's a completely useless waste of time but I derive a great deal of satisfaction from it. I will watch interviews and footage of other great footballers to help build this imaginary false self I have. Going into a dream world has been a feature of me my entire life, however it has only been in the last couple of years where this dream world involves me being a highly successful person.
sometimes I think I could have ADHD.

I've never opened up like this before. Any sought of response is appreciated.
 
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washington

Member
Joined
May 13, 2018
Messages
9
Hi! First of all, good job opening up :)

I'll be honest in saying that I can't give you an advice that would cover all your concerns. My opinion would be very subjective, so you'll need to seek professional help to find more reliable expertise.

But as it seems to be, meditation could be a great help for you. It could be helpful in two ways:

1) Learn to be more focused on the current tasks;
2) Learn to recognize your patterns of thinking and, thus, be able to make more conscious choices.

By being more focused, you will be able to pay more attention to studying. But the second point is even more important. You labeled yourself to be a guy with bad concentration, poor organizational skills and unsatisfied relationships. This ultimately affects how you behave and what you do. If you could spot those labels as they automatically occur inside your mind, you can convince yourself that they aren't necessarily true and that it's entirely possible for you to do better.
 
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fortunato

New member
Joined
May 27, 2018
Messages
4
Thank you very much for your response. Meditation would be very hard for me due to my constant feeling of restlessness but I've heard good things about it before and I'm willing to try it. Would you be able to tell me where I should start?
 
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IWillRise

Active member
Joined
May 23, 2018
Messages
32
Location
Land Of Confusion
I commend you on being able to open up! Don't look at it as "What Is Wrong With You"...look at it as uour journey towards discovering more about who you are and why you feel the way you do. One thing I have learned is that there are no "wrong emotions". The 19 years of experiences you've grown up with help shape how you react and respond to certain situations. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling as you do, most of us can't always control what our mind does. Now, you say here that you have never opened up like this before, does that mean you have never been compelled to speak with a family member or a doctor to share? On another note though, something to point out, it seems that even with all the challenges you have faced throughout your life, you definitely have accomplished quite a bit and should be proud of yourself. I encourage you to continue to open up, even if it's initially just here on this forum. So many good people with good insight that can often lend not only support and comfort, but sound advice which can help you on your path. Stay strong and feel free to reach out if you need (or would care) to open up more. All the best...
 
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Default12259

Guest
hi fortunato, sorry to hear that you've been struggling with this.

The following is just my take on what you've written (so if it doesn't seem right then please don't take it on board).

Have you thought of going to see a counsellor? It needn't be long term. There is a type of counselling called human givens which looks like it could be helpful. I had several sessions in the past and it helped move me on with an issue - but there are other types of therapies and help available.

From my own experience, I'd be wary of seeing a psychiatrist initially as they tend to give tablets and dish out labels, but talking therapy could help a lot and may be available for free with your gp or through the university you are at - you neednt explain everything initially - could just say that you are unhappy and want the opportunity to talk things through with someone in confidence.

This could give you the opportunity to get some emotional and mental support - as perhaps, even though your parents may have been loving, you may benefit too from emotional support and insight from someone independent?

The reason I mentioned human givens, is that it looks at all of a person's needs and then checks where things are out of balance because that can lead to issues which seemed very helpful to me.

Just in case you feel embarrassed or awkward about seeking someone to talk with - the right support from time to time can be essential for wellbeing.

As for finding it difficult to concentrate - it sounds like it could be stress related - you may also find it helpful to take a multivitamin and some omega oils (someone recently said to me they noticed a big difference when taking omega oils).

Regarding being in a dream world - perhaps set yourself a certain number of practical tasks to do before you take time out to dream a little so that you get things done - maybe jot those daydreams down in some creative writing. Sounds like being a famous footballer is unlikely - but you could write about it. Of course if you're finding it difficult to switch off fantasising then talking that through with someone is important - it may simply be that you're wanting to please others or perhaps you feel that a person who is successful in that way may be more accepted or loved by someone??
 
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fortunato

New member
Joined
May 27, 2018
Messages
4
Thank you. I think I will seek out a councillor
 
F

fortunato

New member
Joined
May 27, 2018
Messages
4
Thank you very much. I needed a comment like that
 
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Default12259

Guest
All the best in your search ...... as with anyone counsellors can get it wrong at times so be a bit careful about who you work with, but I hope you find it helpful to chat through things with someone and if you want to revisit here then it maybe helpful too.

If you ever want to pm feel free to.
 
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washington

Member
Joined
May 13, 2018
Messages
9
Thank you very much for your response. Meditation would be very hard for me due to my constant feeling of restlessness but I've heard good things about it before and I'm willing to try it. Would you be able to tell me where I should start?
I've been using Headspace app - it's really straightforward and made in a way that you don't struggle when learning to meditate. The only disadvantage is that some people find it expensive. If you wish, I can PM you a coupon code for a month free of charge.

You may as well use YouTube videos with guided meditation. There are free meditation apps out there free of charge too, so feel free to google whatever works for you. I was just too lazy to do that and took a quick path :)
 
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