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What is wrong with me?

N

Nosilverlining

New member
Joined
Dec 15, 2014
Messages
4
Hi, I'm new to here.
To be honest im not expecting any help from here, I think I'm far too complex and people are just gonna think what the hell. And run.
I need to speak to someone to get this out. I can't handle life anymore. But I have two babies who need it. And I'm not scared of
Killing myself if I didn't have them I would have done it by now. But I couldn't leave them. I need to try get better: but after gruelling years of only getting worse not better; I see no silver lining.
I wondered if I could just lost my symptoms, if I get a diagnosis, I know I will find comfort.
I think everyone has a problem with me. If people don't text back I get so so upsetX it affects my whole day, I will go angry but it's not intended.
I think people hate me, I'm convinced I annoy everyone. I must do.
I have no confidence, yet other times I am like a class clown.
I speak a sentence I am highly interested in speaking about, and I'll go to make a cup of tea before I say it xos I like to multi task, I can't do one thing calm at once, it needs to be at least 2 things a time, but then when I get to speak. My
Mood changes from ecstatic to down and I don't want to say it
if someone says, have you took your meds, I feel like they're having a go at me. So I hang up or say something like OF COURSE I HAVE Shut UP ITS NOT ABOUT THAT!! when I know inside it is. I take offence so easy, everything is literal to me.
If i need a wee, I go anxious, I'm scared as weeing seems so pointless, such a waste of time, time to me is a mad thing, I need to cram in as much as I can. If I have a list of things to do I will think deeply into how I can do them all at once: or something like that.
I have moments of utter hyperactivenesa, total immaturity. I don't tent to laugh when a group of people do. I am odd. I like to not laugh on purpose. I look at people and think, you're stupid; sometimes. I'm not proud of feeling this way, but basically , their opinion is wrong, and silly.
I get crazy obsessions. I actually get depressed over a so get I lke who is very famous, because I haven't met him and probably won't ever.
I actually feel sick over it and cry.
If a good thing / event is coming up, I realise it will be over in the blink of an eye, my throat feels like it's closing up. What's the point?
Similar to the wee thing, I think why wee when am just gonna go again and again and again and again. I try to put it off.
I can be very socially awkward. I can't look people in the eye most of the time. When I do it is entirely forced because I am trying to imitate that of a normal person, in fear of being recognised as being so insecure, or something like that.
I don't like people being in my presence I feel awkward silences, I even feel an awkward silence when I am totally alone, as though im judging myself, I can't look myself in a mirror without being a kind of embarrassed, but not embarrassed physically, just mentally. As though I have two minds and they are able to conflict and judge. I know I'm not making sense, but it does in my head.
I'm constantly looking for an answer. Finding a cure for my curse.
I can't understand why people won't do something I had asked, if I would do it for them why can't they. I rack my brains over things like that.
I always need confirmation what I'm doing or saying is right, socially acceptable??
When I'm talkin I change the subject about a hundred times, i dawdle off and end up talking about something completely different. I think it freaks people out.
I have short term memory loss bad. Repeat myself a lot. Paranoid.
I sleep ALOT. Too much. I could sleep at any given time. Sometimes I'm too anxious to sleep but pretty wired and hyper::: but most the time I could sleep in the middle of a motorway and not be disturbed by the noise.
Please long shot; someone tell me anything reassuring.
I can't handle this anymore. I have took depakote and pregabalin for a year and nothing has changed. Maybe I have got worse a bit even.
I started sertraline a few months ago, still nothing.
My mind thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks and doesn't stop thinking, I am never ever chilled. I type so fast, speakfasf, do anything and everythjng fast.
Exciting things make me feel happy; where as I know I should just be happy anyway. It something isn't happening in depressed more so.
I like to spend money and live a high life on a poor mans wages.
I cry every day as I can't handle this anymore.
My children deserve better.
I am a loving mum, I praise cuddle spoilt them. But their behaviour is shocking ; they swear and don't lisyen to me. They stay up late even if I put them to bed early read a story, they laugh at me until I break down and then they cry and are sorry. But then I feel guilty because they shouldn't see me cry.
I'm a total mess. I'm behind on studies, I'm trying to get a career but I even argue with my tutors and think they hate me.
I'm sorry to whoever is reading this, I must have scattered up your mind.
There's probably so much more too.
Please anyone shed some light. Will I ever be ok? Ever normal?
I was expellee from school and struggled to keep any college course going: I lie occasionally about things I don't need to and I explain myself when unneeded also.
I just think killing myself is the only option but I can't even do that because I couldn't leave my kids. I think I have a little bit of fight left in me....
Maybe :( x
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,529
Location
The West Country
Welcome to the forum.

Are you under the care of a mental health team or professional at all? Am wondering because you mentioned you take meds (or rather that people are pestering you about whether or not you take them).

It sounds to me as if there are lots of layers to what you're experiencing... mood changes, anxiety, low self-esteem perhaps.
Whatever kind of support your getting (if at all) doesn't sound like it's enough.

Do you get much time to yourself at all? I'm just wondering.
It might be good if you could access a counsellor to have some time to offload and perhaps have someone there to give you some support.
 
N

Nosilverlining

New member
Joined
Dec 15, 2014
Messages
4
Yea I am under a psychiatric team, but they aren't very good. I've cried for help so many times, they often say go to a&e, or just hold out. But I have been for so long now.
I was given CBT and when I went she was almost shocked at me, and said I need ALOT more psychiatric attention, and CBT will not help me, she discharged me back to my team. I saw a proper psychiatrist but more so for an analysis, all he did really was write a piece on me and send it out and suggested rotunda. Again as guessed haven't heard any follow up, I was told I would get a support worker last August, to help me
Manage my
Life, kids, etc, I don't even eat, il have a Mars bar or something when energy is low. I know it's bad but I iust can't do it.
Anyway... I haven't heard nothing from then either.
They refered me back to CBT this time with a higher up more
Experienced counsellor, I was very apprehensive about going as the first time I was turned away basically because I was too much and too 'complex' as they put it, or 'complex presentation', what ever that means, well I was scared of it happening again, it took me a lot of courage to return, and when I did, she said again bluntly, I can not help you, your symptoms are beyond what CBT assists with.
I'm totally lost. In a way I'm desperate to be properly analysed and diagnosed, at least then I'll fit into a category and stop feeling like I'm wandering this Earth solely as a one of the kind (the bad one of a kind type)
:(
I occasionally get time to myself, but not too much, I don't get babysitters often but my mum comes around a lot to my house, but it's more so to help me clean up and do washing, I feel like I have never grown up to be honest, unwillingly independent.
Most nights I just cry myself to sleep, think I'll never be loved again by anyone and no one will ever want to get involved with me- being a mess and a shell of a half decent human...
Scared I won't succeed... I'm struggling in college.
I emailed my tutor and said I need some student support and was consideraint it and he didn't even message me back, but he said oh yea I got your email how was your sons nativity play (something else I mentioned) and just totally blanked the fact that I was crying for help. Or am I just taking it wrong.
*sigh*
X
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,529
Location
The West Country
They turned you away from CBT twice?? That's so bad.
If the first person said they couldn't help, why would they allow you to get your hopes up for a second time only to be turned away again?
I'm so sorry that the care you've received has been pretty much non-existent.:hug1:

Do you feel as though you could perhaps go to your GP and explain the situation?
They may be able to put some pressure on the mental health team to get their act together, particularly if you've not even got a care co-ordinator or CPN.

Well done for reaching out to your tutor. Again, am sorry that he's not acted on your behalf.
Not that it's an excuse, but I wonder if the upcoming Christmas break explains why he's been so casual about it all.
Do the student support people have their own office? If I were you i'd go directly to them, because it sounds like your tutor could be a bit flaky and might forget about it.
 
N

Nosilverlining

New member
Joined
Dec 15, 2014
Messages
4
Thank you to you both.
First to Nikita; it could well be side effects.. But I'm quite sure I've always been this way; only worse lately.
I'm just so overwhelmed by it all, I feel like I'm just falling even reading all the things I have to do, do make it better. I just don't feel capable. So weak.
I like to escape and play silly games on my phone like wordchums: rhats relaxing time right?
I'm just quite depressed and feel restricted that no one will.l ever want to know me.
I'm getting all rushes of blood to my head now and getting all confused. Replying now, I think it's just confusion and ::: oh I don't know/ :(
Scorpio yes turned away twice fr CBT: I see my team 29th, my neurologist wrote him a letter asking for CPN. So let's hope they give me one; even though I've begged for a year now. Praying to God I get some kind of relief ...
Talking to you guys helps massively. The fact someone's even took the time to read let alone reply, is the best.
I know my typing is a bit dodgy but that's cos I type too fast, mind just runs 100mph
I'm too nervous to go to student support il just break down... I feel like I need to at least know what's wrong with me until I can Speak at the moment I'm just 100% lost. Like a nomad. Lol :( I got kicked ou my GP surgery Scorpio for kicking off in the waiting room , I didn't mean to I just got annoyed; and called a doctor a pervert (cos he is one).
I have since joined a new one but it's all so daunting starting from page 1....
Blugh.
Miracle please. Thanks for the advice though peeps. Just wish I could be normal, to a certain extent :( or at least understood, diagnosed. Anything.
My sons being assessed for autism too which doesn't help. I actually have more symptoms than he does for it tho! Think I'm just doomed.
Just all the work I see before me, contacting people, student services just that whole list, having to eat, it all suffocates me, I can't handle the thought, I just wanna hide away... :(
Xxx sorry f I seem
Unappreciate of the advice im so not I just don't know how to actually DO these things. I can't do them. It's too hard x
 
N

Nosilverlining

New member
Joined
Dec 15, 2014
Messages
4
Hi guys
Sorry for my scatty reply last night
I wasn't feeling too good.
I have read again wkth a clearer head and I am going to try to follow the advice and try harder. Thanks so much for your input x I appreciate it
 

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