What is this? No dx, just opinions. I’m confused

B

Bonelesspizza

Member
Joined
Aug 19, 2017
Messages
9
Location
New york
Just to say, I’m not dx with a PD yet but many on my team suspect one or at least consider it a possibility. I just need to vent.

Before my bipolar was medicated, I seemed like a typical case of BPD: unstable short emotions, abandonment issues, anger issues, emptiness, lack of identity and so on. Now that my bipolar is under control, Idk what the hell this is. Mood disorder symptoms aside, I still have this chronic need for attention, control in relationships, abandonment issues and need to be unique. It’s not crazy severe granted I’m under control now but it’s definitely still there, no doubt. I have the need to be in some type of control in relationships. I don’t want the other person to have power over me in that they don’t need me and can leave anytime, I need to be the one with that power. I need to be able to leave people on seen for a time or not answer calls. I need to be the one with an extra friend on the side in case the current one doesn’t work out. I need to be the one who stands out in some way. One of such ways is my age in relation to my appearance. Most people don’t believe I’m 20, I’ve been told I look 16-17. It makes me feel great to have this element of surprise, in fact this is what I usually bank on. So much so that in situations where I meet new people, I hope they ask me my age and react with the appropriate level of surprise. I also have the need to be diagnosed with illnesses (physical or mental) to feel unique and validated. This one symptom was beyond severe post-medication, my goodness. It would trigger the worst suicidal ideation and depression. And even psychosis. Recently I was told I may have a condition tied to swelling in hands which I do have. This caused me to feel this sick, stimulated excited feeling. I also would have this severe need to be validated for these disorders, tied into my past anger issues. It would feel like I had some split personality who was incredibly hell bent on getting the validation-she “deserved”.
Did I mention I’m self-centered? Yeah you probably got it from this post already. As empathetic and caring as I can be, I love to talk about myself. I love to include myself in conversations. In fact I find myself having trouble listening when the other person talks about their story. I thought it was a cognitive issue that lead to lack of concentration but I doubt it now considering it only happens with this specific situation. I’ll end here but I’m probably missing some. You’d think I’d be ashamed of it? On the surface, yes. But deep down I feel deep pride in this. It makes me feel strong somehow.... strong in that it makes me stand apart and feel I can’t be messed with. It makes me feel there no point getting it treated in therapy. In fact I realized I only talk about this in therapy to get my supply of validation and that’s that with that. Now, it’s not crippling and constant but it sure as hell is there. And it’s sure as hell unhealthy. Anyone relate? I want to tell my psychiatrist this so he can dx me but I’m confused on if this sounds like BPD at all... I appreciate all opinions.
 
T

Trekster33

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2019
Messages
134
Location
South West UK
I would tell your psychiatrist especially about the past anger issues that are still affecting your life. There are other personality disorders that could fit your symptoms but I'm not your doctor so it's not my place to speculate.
 
Top