What is the point?

  • Thread starter Christinaelizabeth
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Christinaelizabeth

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#1
I have no idea what I’m expecting to gain from this, maybe I’m hoping that someone understands me better than myself….

On paper I have everything, friends, family, partner, pets, a home, a lot of high level academic qualifications BUT I am still miserable, I have been for years, and I feel terrible for it. I’ve have a few childhood/teenage traumatic life events, maybe slightly more than the average for my age, but by no means the worst I’ve ever heard.

However something just doesn’t click right, I don’t feel at peace in this world, I feel lost. I know I’m loved, but I don’t feel it. I don’t cope with standard day-to-day life well, I am hypersensitive, I hold grudges, my emotions are so intense, I feel no-one really understands me, everything is a struggle, a roller coaster of ‘come on pick yourself up keep going’ again and again. I am tired.

My first proper job out of University bombed, it wasn’t what I expected at all, and it triggered a serious tidal wave. I couldn’t shift the ‘oh my god is this my life for the next 40 years’ influx of anxiety and depression. I feel selfish, entitled and ungrateful as some people can’t even get a job and embarrassingly I eventually left due to rapidly declining mental health.

So now here I sit, feeling sorry for myself again (Ugh), and wondering what the hell to do with my life. I’m not drawn to any career path, I don’t really have hobbies, and I have lost any scrap of confidence I had. To be honest I’m just not interested in anything. However, I am fabulous at staying in my house, binge watching TV and sleeping excessively.

I am struggling to see a reason to go on other than that my animals and family would miss me. While I would never want to inflict such pain on anyone, I equally don’t fare well in a situation where I live solely for others, which has been the situation for quite a few years now. I see my future, wasting away in a miserable dead end job that I hate, paying bills, buying rubbish I don’t really need, battling with myself and getting increasingly old. I don’t intend on having children of my own because of how I am. I am failing to see anything seriously positive that lies ahead for me, other than potentially a few nice holidays and the odd laugh? What am I missing? What is driving other people to continue ‘life’? What is the point of all this?
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

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#2
Hi, have you been to speak to your GP? Or taking any medication?
X
 
ReverieAnxiety

ReverieAnxiety

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#3
Hi ChristinaElizabeth,

It sounds like you're not living for yourself. You can be successful in so many people's eyes, but how do you define your own success? What actually makes you happy? I thought for a long time that I had to do a, b, and c in order to be happy. But, whenever I accomplished "my goals", I always felt empty. Somewhere along the way, I was conditioned to think that I had to live life like everyone else to be happy. I was miserable because I thought I had to be a certain way. I often struggled between "how I should act" and "how I really feel". Eventually I realized that I was living a lie and that I had to start living my truth now. Sometimes your truth isn't what you thought it was, and until you live your truth, you will feel out of alignment...like something is wrong even though when things are "right".
 
Topcat

Topcat

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#4
I personally think this 'life plan' we have laid out in front of us from a young age (ie school, college, uni, well paid job, house, partner, maybe kids, retirement etc) is a load of crap. We feel like a failure to not achieve this predetermined standard, but how many people are actually happy following this path? You are in a good position right now to have a rethink on what your future could actually mean as you don't have ties.
I know it's hard though when you feel like crap to imagine what might make you content in life. Personally I think living a self sustainable life is a good path, working with nature. I saw a YouTube video called "becoming gardener" where a guy completed his degree, became an engineer then realised it wasn't what he wanted and dropped out, it's only a short video. There may be some Ted Talks or other videos you could find about changing your life plans when you feel what you're doing is wrong.
I hope you can find a new path in life, and also I hope you are feeling less depressed in general very soon.
Take care x
 
LadyDomino

LadyDomino

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#5
@Christinaelizabeth - you cold be talking about my life, except when I bombed out of the expected job following university I started drinking very heavily. When I got dry, I just couldn't cope. Cutting a long story short, I was diagnosed bipolar, with depression. By pure chance, my husband was able to retire early to care for me and we were able to move onto a narrowboat and we cruised all over England. When I had finished my degree the last thing I expected to be doing 15 years later was to be living on a narrowboat.

Life has a habit of changing in ways we least expect it. There is no requirement to plan it.
 
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Christinaelizabeth

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Mar 9, 2016
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#7
Thank you all for the replies.
Yes, I completely agree that it feels like I'm on the 'wrong path'. The problem is I can't clearly see the 'right path' and it's so frustrating. What if there isn't one...
To be honest if I had it my way I'd dissappear off to a log cabin in the woods with my dogs. Spend my days walking, chopping wood, tending to some plants etc. However that's not sustainable and is either going to require a lot of money or some extreme survival skills on my part!
I do feel really annoyed at modern day life, it all seems to be about working long hours, promotions, buying things, looking great, pensions, mortgages, looking after children, keeping your house nice etc, I apologise if my attitude stinks, but I just feel like I don't care.
I saw an article with pictures of a tribe living in the middle of nowhere and I was astounded at how happy they all looked. Although I definitely appreciate access to health care and contraception I can't help but feel envious...
 
LadyDomino

LadyDomino

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#8
Is there any way you can take a vacation and go some where so isolated? Just give yourself a chance to "reboot"?

I don't think you attitude stinks - I think you need a break.
 

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