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what is it?



Oct 8, 2008
In the North East of England

I dont know what is wrong with me. I've been "ill" for about 4 years now, since I was 16, it has been progressive, things not so bad at first and thing getting worse and worse. I've looked up so many different disorders to try and find out what it wrong with me, but I dont know.

My mood is so sensitive, I can be really very happy one moment, the something small will happen and my mood will swing and I'll be depressed or really angry and I get so frustrated with myself for being angry and upset at nothing, which in turn makes it worse. I keep pushing and pulling at my boyfriend. I want to be angry at him sometimes, for things I've done that he doesn't get angry at me for or anything, and I sometimes just want him to yell at me and be mean, but he won't and I get annoyed and want to ignore him, but I can't lose him or have him leave me in any way. I often disassociate, sometimes so quickly it feels like I've just been pulled from my body. I hate myself one moment, wanting to tear myself to shreds, completely devaluating who I am and my worth, and then I can be fine with myself, able to see good qualities and being proud of myself. I can't concentrate on things, I get halfway through something and lose complete interest. Things don't ineterest me much anymore. I can't get a job because I can't stick to one thing I want to do, changing where I want to be every other week. I cut myself, get urges to damage my person so badly, I've already tried to kill myself twice, which I'm ashamed of only because of the pathetic effort I put into it. I keep wanting to die. I have no motivation. But I also have brief periods of complete "normality", where it doesnt seem like there is anything wrong, and then I feel like a fraud. I feel like a fraud even writing this now. I don't know what is wrong. I'm seeing a mental health nurse next month but I feel she wont be able to help me at all, when she saw me a year ago she didn't help at all. Can anyone help me? :(


It sounds like depression and it's a really good thing that you're getting help.
Take all the help you're offered and praise yourself for doing so. Try not to feel ashamed, we all understand what you're describing.

Good Luck, Eternal X


I just want to add that if you say or write down what you have on here and take it to your appointment you will be offered help. Perhaps last time you were having a better day and came across really well. Or maybe you just couldn't explain what's going on for you.

Again, good luck:)