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What is it wrong with me?

the_unmanifest

the_unmanifest

Member
Joined
Jul 6, 2009
Messages
6
Hello all, I'm new here, oh well, this is quite obvious.
A few words about me: I'm 20 years old, female, student, I live in Eastern Europe, hmm..and I don't think I should add more for now.

I just need to talk to someone, because it is hard for me to talk to my friends or family, because I tried before and they don't seem to believe I have serious mental problems. Umm, well, I hope not that serious, but this is how I feel now, so I want you to please tell me your honest opinions.

I hope I won't make this post too long, but if I do, excuse me, but I need to say everything from beginning till end.

I always experienced sadness/depressive moods since I was a child, it just came unexpectedly and sometimes with no reason and would also fade without reason also; I must mention I experienced states of supreme happiness (if I can say so) also without any particular reason. If I'm trying to find a connection in my mind between what was happening around me and my moods I can say that I was and still am a very sensitive person and each time something happened in my family (like a parents fight) I would just cry a lot.

When I'm depressed:
1) I don't feel like talking at all with the ones around me and if I do, I don't seem to find my words in order to be coherent in what I'm saying. This is also because I don't want to indispose people with my sadness, I know everyone wishes to have around happy shiny people.
2) I feel like something is sucking the life out of me: I don't have will to live anymore, lack enthusiasm. I must say that I never had any suicidal attempts (I am scared of death and of dying in pain), but sometimes I picture myself having some lethal disease and coming to appreciate every damn thing that this life gives us.
3) If it gets really bad I feel some pressure in my head and also pain in my chest.
4) I'm not motivated to do anything, for example in 2 days I have an exam, but I can't study, I wouldn't do it even if you cut me in pieces.

What makes me sad is the lack of communication in my family. I've never been close to my mom, from what I remember she always was cold with me and never talked about things that each mother would tell to a daughter. I also suffer from inferiority complex and I think it's because my mom would always compare me with other kids telling how good they are and why can't I be like that. And I have to mention my IQ is above average, she knew that, but I think she was trying to motivate me to do more. Oh well, it was motivating at times, but now I realised it just raised competition and didn't truly motivate me.

My family is quite a mess, my father is from another country and he works there, he only comes where we live for 2 months. My mom had several relationships with other men (well I found out by finding love letters, or spying in her phone or e-mails), right now she's dealing with 2 at the same time! I am not kidding or hallucinating, I am not the kind of person who imagines things. She thinks my father is a loser (he didn't finish his universitary studies and now he doesn't have the best job in this world), and also told me and my sister that she doesn't want us to become like him. I don't judge neither my father or her, they are my parents, they are not perfect and don't wish they were perfect. What bothers me is that my mom doesn't want to be seen bad by other people and would just lie about what she's doing. I tried to ask her "why?" 2 or 3 times and she just cut me off not giving me an answer. I can't communicate with her, I don't know why, but I simply can't.

For the last 6 (or more) months my moods have been going below sea water, and it seems it's very hard to get back on track. I feel there is something bigger than me which dictates my moods and I can't help it. I don't like being sad, without wanting I tend to push people away because I'm afraid they wouldn't understand me, and I don't want to make them sad by telling what's going on with me.

I must mention I never been to a doctor for my depression, maybe because when I was younger I didn't perceive it as depression and now because I read studies showing that anti-depressants have many side effects, and they should be taken only as a ultimate option if nothing else works (like alternative medicine).

How bad is this? Is this mild or chronic or severe depression?

I apologize for writing this much and if it's innapropiate for the "Introduction" section, please move it from here! Thank you!
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi the_unmanifest

And :welcome: to the forum.

Your symptoms do sound similiar to those of depression, but no one here can diagnose just by going by your posts. Only your doctor can do that.

I know doctors usually prescribe medication, however if you make it clear to them that you do not want that, they may be able to refer you on to another form of treatment like counselling or therapy which you might find beneficial. Especially if you feel you can't communicate your issues with your family and friends.

You may find writing your feelings on here helpful too, as there are people on here who do understand some of what you are going through.

There is a wealth of knowledge, support and experience to be found here :)
 
Q

quality factor

Guest
Hi and :welcome: to the forum, it's a good place to be.
QF.
 
G

GrizzlyBear

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
971
Welcome to the forum. :flowers:
 
ms_P

ms_P

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
3,067
Location
BeNeLux
Hi and welcome to the forum!
Ever hear of the saying "a burden shared is a burden halved"?
I would definitely see my doctor if I were you.
It could be you have a chemical imbalance and need meds or it could be that you need to talk about things to someone who is objective and nonjudgemental. Or perhaps both.
Don't leave it too long, and please keep posting!
Take care. :flowers:
 
bluenomore

bluenomore

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 30, 2009
Messages
5,527
Hi the_unmanifest,
:welcome: to the forum.

You described your situation very well in your post.
I would just like to echo what others have said and suggest that you see a doctor. They won't force you to take medication if you don't want it, and they should be able to put you in touch with someone you can talk to about your situation.

Well done for posting, and keep sharing your thoughts with us.
 
Emily-Rose

Emily-Rose

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2009
Messages
159
Hey There :)

Welcome to the Forum

I hope you like it here and get the help and support you need, I'm new here too, but so far I can tell this is a great forum :D

PM me if you ever want to chat :)

Emily.x
 
the_unmanifest

the_unmanifest

Member
Joined
Jul 6, 2009
Messages
6
thank you all for your warm welcome! :):grouphug:
 
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