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What if you don't want to quit?

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xXKimilXx

New member
Joined
Dec 31, 2018
Messages
2
#1
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and trying to talk it over with my therapist, but I feel like I'm getting nowhere.
Everytime I bring up my self harm with my therapist she talks about "reasons not to" and everytime I can only come up with reasons that have to do with other people, like I don't want my mom to see the scars and be upset. I tell my therapist if no one saw the aftermath of looked at me differently for having scars I would have zero reason to quit. I tell her in all honesty, I don't want to quit. I don't want to be addicted to the feeling or rely on it, but unlike most people, I don't feel guilt aftering self harming, I don't find my scars ugly, I don't self harm to "punish" myself, I purely enjoy the feeling and euphoria I get from it.
I relapsed roughly two weeks ago after I had not self harmed in around 3-4 months. After I relapsed I brought the item I used to self harm to my therapist, not to give it to her but to ask her if she thought it was safe (as safe as self harm can be) she asked if she could dispose of it because the condition of the item was questionable. I reluctantly allowed her to take it, because while I want to self harm I did not want to die from using something unsafe. I realize that sounds silly but I have always been as safe as possible when it came to self harm, I only did it in places on the body I knew were low risk, I have a safety kit I carried with the items I used to self harm, things like first aid materials, things to clean the area and items with and so on.
I have hit a large dilemma in the days following giving the item to my therapist. The reason I was using the somewhat unsafe item was because previously my mother took away every single one of my fresh, brand new items that I had originally self harmed with, so this other item was the only thing I had available that I could find, and the unsafe item was better than nothing in my eyes. Now I'm at that point again. I have nothing in my immediate area I could use for self harm. I asked my therapist if it was better to use something I wasn't sure was 100% safe or if I should go out and buy something I knew would be brand new, clean and safe. She told me not to buy anything, because then I was supporting the habit financially, but she also took what I had.
I told her at the time that just having something to self harm with nearby I felt secure and less anxious. It would calm me down just knowing its there, even if I didn't use it. She said to just keep fighting it anyway. This morning however I flew into a massive panic, because I didn't have something to help make the thoughts and mental pain stop. I don't think I would have wanted to self harm so badly had I had the item to do so within reach. I got upset that my therapist left me hanging, left me with nothing. My thoughts started trying to find something I could use to self harm. It started going back to objects that seemed questionable, just like the item I had given to my therapist.
I'm fighting with the issue that... if deep down I really don't want to quit.... its impossible right? My mind knows I would rather just keep self harming and hiding the evidence instead of fighting to quit. If one single little relapse brings me right back into it full throttle, what's the point of fighting it for weeks, months or even years? When I would be right back where I am with one slip up.
Why put myself in the position where I will find some way to self harm even if its not ideal when I could pop into a store and get something I know is clean and ready to use? Something that won't add more danger to the act?
Where do I go from here?
 
BPDevil

BPDevil

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
170
Location
Hell
#2
you don't technically have to quit, but its better for your well being if you do and to find healthier alternatives because if this is the only thing you resort to then you might end up seriously damaging yourself when things get too much to handle, even if you do believe you are being safe with it there's always going to be risks which is why it is called self harm in the first place
 
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xXKimilXx

New member
Joined
Dec 31, 2018
Messages
2
#3
I realize that but I'm being honest, I don't see that happening, I have seen self harm scars dozens of times larger and deeper than mine and the person was fine. I struggled mentally with the fact that I wasn't doing it harsh enough to be concidered a self harmer because I downplay my own struggles and because my therapist told me mine were very unnoticeable and minor for what they were. Everytime I have shown a medical professional my scars (or even open wounds from the self harm) they seem extremely calm and dissmissive and I always felt that was because they weren't large enough in size or quantity for them to be particularly concerned for me.
As for trying healthier alternatives, I've tried everything I can think of, my therapist throws new things to try at me every week. I have tried using ice, rubberbands, yoga, thought stopping, meditation and a large list of much more and nothing compares to the self harm or helps me relax even close to what I need. She always says if I fight the urge off long enough it will go away, I find that to be untrue as well, I can fight the urge off but it returns moments later even stronger, and the more I fight it the more it consumes me.
 
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