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What if suicide is not just a desire but a rational conclusion?

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untamedchaos

New member
Joined
Dec 10, 2014
Messages
3
Hi. I signed up for this site so I could ask a very serious question. What if suicide really IS the only answer?

I'm 25 now, almost 26. I've been feeling depressed ever since I could remember, even in my early childhood. I've been suffering sever insomnia since I hit puberty. At 21 I was diagnosed with panic attacks, generalized anxiety and social anxiety.
I've been to the psych ward a total of 3 times, twice when I admitted myself and once when I was placed in protective custody. I dropped out of high school. I've had a total of five jobs over eight years and have just recently attempted my first semester at school. I never left my jobs well so I can't really use them as references, and I flunked out of my first semester of College, losing my financial aid.
The last time I tried to get a job it took me eight months and 180 applications, and school is no longer an option for me, as no one will pay my living expenses even if I take out loans to pay for the actual schooling. I have no usable job history. I live in a room-share with people I can't stand and no one will take me in, not even my mom. I've sought professional help, been on every medication for depression, anxiety and insomnia on the market. Even in the psych ward they only care if you're gonna kill yourself right this second. I have only one friend who I only see once every couple months, who wouldn't be able to take me in even if he wanted. I have an arrest record, but thankfully no convictions, but still being arrested for assault precludes me from working anywhere I have experience. I'm extremely shy, never been with a woman, and despair of ever doing so.
Basically, when does suicide become a solution to a permanent problem, and not an emotional response to depression? I don't want to suffer anymore and I can't live on minimum wage anyway. And I can't go to school and no one will take me in. Where do I turn?
 
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Alienated

Guest
Hi, sorry to hear you situation.. I can think of a few options you have going for you.. 1st. your young, I'll be 50 in a few months and it isn't easy for old men with too much experience either.
These are just hard times for everyone.

I am self-employed Hand-man for 30 years, I started at 14 mowing lawns to shoveling snow went to painting houses and repairs. Things are a little different now just knocking on doors and asking if people have anything.
But you can put fliers up at local stores with your number and a list of things you can do.. You would be surprised at some things people need.

But if you have 1 thing that others don't. Willing to work you ass-off, there is NO SHAME in digging ditches. And if you work hard the money isn't bad.. Bid the job, and get paid cash when finished. I have made $25 per hour, with carpentry and skilled labor.

You don't have to work with anyone, just follow instructions for what the people want.

So it comes down to how bad do you want to live ? And what are you willing to learn and do ?
 
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supergreysmoke

Guest
You need a cause, something like green politics? forget work if it isn't working out - go on the workfare schemes if necessary otherwise ignore that aspect. The fracking industry is suicidal for the environment and future, as it pollutes water tables for hundreds if not thousands of years. So you are not alone, everyone else is trending that way these days. It's in doing things with some greater external meaning that you meet new people, new ways of thinking and get around these thoughts of self harm.
 
ScaredCat

ScaredCat

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 21, 2012
Messages
8,442
Location
Another planet
I am so sorry you are feeling so desperate. Think the fact you have posted means you are still looking for reasons to keep living which i think is a positive. Keep posting. I am sure that people here will help and have good ideas I find it difficult to carry on too. Sometimes all you can do is take each day, each hour, at a time.
 
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untamedchaos

New member
Joined
Dec 10, 2014
Messages
3
Thank you all for your kind responses and Ill try to follow up on your suggestions. Just a couple of questions-what is a workfare scheme? And Alienated, thank you but the last place I worked was for the very thing you've mentioned. My insomnia more than anything else made it impossible to be as punctual as my boss wanted as I would go without sleep for 2-4 days then oversleep, and even being a 20 min late was grounds for firing. Also, the guys I worked with were He-men and could do that sort of thing, whereas I've held jobs mostly in the food industry and working retail. Not to mention people expect you to be able to meet their eyes which I find extremely hard. Although I will say I'm willing to learn how to do anything I can to have a future, hence why I tried to go to college. I've worked in two kitchens, had to learn how to run a register, do price checks, price alterations, read a 4 hour progression of what we were likely to need, do inventory, the exact proportions and ingredients of anything I served, as well as tricks for dealing with customers.
 
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maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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im guessing you're not uk as you say semester of college? It might help if we know what youre from to suggest options available to you :)
 
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untamedchaos

New member
Joined
Dec 10, 2014
Messages
3
If it's not, I would point to my father to say it's not impossible to both be a narcissist and suffer extremely low self esteem. He hated himself but stood unfailingly by his opinions and could never be convinced he was wrong. I'm much the same way, except I try very hard to keep my opinions based purely in logic and not have a personal stake in them, so I can be convinced I'm wrong.
Second all your help is appreciated, all of you. And, no, I live in the U.S.
Third, a turn-around happened today. My school informed me that they would not evaluate my GPA for eligibility for more financial aid until the end of the spring semester, so I have another shot! I guess I panicked and fell into deep depression too soon. However, if I fail next semester or fail to bring my GPA high enough to qualify for financial aid (never mind the 10k+ I'm taking out in student loans) I'll be left in the same predicament.
Fourth, that does NOT mean I'll stop coming here, it felt so nice to see that people care. Also, all of you convinced me maybe I should wander these boards and see if I can provide advice to someone else in need.
 
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maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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Yay! Glad to hear you got good news :)
I see dubblemonkeys comments around the forum ànd i wouldn't read too much into it. If I'm honest I struggle to understand them most the time.

Sorry I'm uk here so can't help regards housing/welfare, just about understand how things should be done here lol
 
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LadyBetts

Active member
Joined
Dec 9, 2014
Messages
28
Location
New Mexico
Hello,

Im glad that you have another shot at school!

I would like to offer some advice it may help you with your grades or give you an idea.

Go to your counselor/ advisor even the Campus Health center and ask about programs that help you with keeping your goals.

At my school we have two that are really great
I go to the Counseling office they will set you up with a Therapy to help you understand your ups and downs and If you need more time on class work they can write you a letter to give to your professor. Your Prof's can really help you too always ask for help or even just talk to them and tell them you need to stay on course.
The second program I go to is Student Success center they help you with finding work and they help you with keeping up in class. They even help you balance finances.

If you think it would help check with your school and see if they have anything similar

I hope this helps you and I hope you are feeling better! Best of luck next semester!

-Lady Betts
 
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