What help is there?

SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Feeling really bad at the moment. Well, that's not true - i'm not feeling anything at all and i'm also feeling everything.

It's been no secret that I think the BPD label isn't accurate but hey ho, i'm stuck with it.
I was so eager to appear 'good' and 'non-borderline' when I saw the pdoc Thursday that I withheld a lot about how bad i'm really feeling.

Why has it got to be like this? Why does the BPD label mean you're on your own?
Why is it not seen by a lot of professionals as a legitimate illness?

There is no help. The crisis team play a dangerous game of reverse psychology when you say you're suicidal.
Guidelines say that it's not good for people with BPD to go into hospital because they can get too used to being cared for. Like, god fucking forbid a Borderline should feel like a part of the human race and have their needs met for one second.

I'm sick of the anxiety not being recognised.. the palpitations, the nightmares, the sweating, feeling like i'm going into some battle when I just need some milk from the shop.

Right now i'm thinking fuck it, i'll just self-harm like is expected of me (even though it's been three years) because at least i'll feel something and get some fucked-up sense of accomplishment.

I can't stand this loneliness, this exile, this "you've got to learn to soothe yourself", this living on an island that's cut off from the rest of humanity.
(Offline) friends are fucking phonies. Family are fucked up. What's the fucking point in being here?
I can't bear the thought of another OD and being treated like human garbage in A&E, but I can't bear the thought of going on much longer either.
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

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Sis please don't give up :hug1: you can make it, I believe in you! I'mm your virtual pet dog and as your pet dog I won't give up on you. Can you not change your pdoc?
 
U

UMPALUMPA

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somerset please dont hurt your self, them shit bags dont know the half of what we ho through do they.

Pm me anytime you know that. :hug5:

always remember you are not your diagnosis we are all unique . X

I wish that blpd lable was removed and properly diagnosed with a respectable lable at least.
 
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Lincoln1990

Lincoln1990

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Don't hurt yourself. It's not worth it. They're not worth it. They're not worth your sobriety from self harm.

Please don't hurt yourself. You can always PM me. You helped me so much last night and I would like to return the favor. Please don't hesitate to PM me.

I think the stigma with BPD is stupid. People are people. It doesn't matter their diagnoses. They're still people. Everyone should be treated with respect.

:hug1:
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

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Yes sis, please don't hurt yourself, or else I will come down there and hug you all day long.

Do you guys think that doctors can be arrogant just because they think they know it all or maybe not that, but because we patients are not qualified like them?
 
Kerome

Kerome

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Somerset, it's not really fair what gets done to the BPD crowd, I totally agree. It's all very well for them to say "you have to learn to self soothe" but I think they are just not up to the job of teaching.

And I agree with Lincoln, please don't self harm, they are not worth the cost of your sobriety.

Many hugs, I hope it passes soon and you feel better :hug:
 
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UMPALUMPA

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I better not post on this thread I will just swear a lot about how blpd is discriminated against

pm me somerset, hope ya ok x
 
N

notrealname

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Does anyone ever actually say that? "You have to learn to self-soothe?" I mean, seriously? They do realise that people with depression have to learn to self-soothe...and people with anxiety...those two disorders are also disorders connected to difficulty self-soothing.

Self-soothing literally means 'being kind to yourself'. It means when you've had a bad time, you don't beat yourself up about it, you treat yourself with kindness, compassion and nurturance. Which is not what people with depression or anxiety do, which is why they also can't self-soothe.

If any actual mental health worker says anything so recklessly idiotic as "you have to learn to self soothe" I am amazed they still have a job!

I'm not saying self soothing isn't what we all need to learn, of course we do. People with anxiety need to learn to soothe their anxiety instead of looking for external reassurance, people with depression literally need to learn how to "cheer themselves up". That's what CBT is about. It's basically what all therapies are about. But the point of self-soothing is that a person in a supportive environment begins learning it when they're about three. Telling a fully grown adult to "go away and learn how to self soothe" is like screaming "go learn Icelandic!" in their face and then expecting them to come back fluent in the morning without so much as phrasebook. In fact, it's harder than that, because you don't have to unlearn English to learn Icelandic. But you do have to unlearn self-criticism to learn self-soothing.

Eurgh...

Anyway, rant over. I hope that these have only been a couple of experiences for you and are not actually what the world is like, Somerset. I understand there is a stigma around BPD, and tbh until I started coming on mental health forums I actually believed it due to the couple of people I happened to have met with BPD who were violent, but then I found out that not everyone with BPD is the same (obviously, duh) and it is possible to have BPD and be a really nice, compassionate and mature person (which is exactly how you come across). Have you been to your GP and asked to see a schema therapist or DBT practitioner? They're supposed to be really good for both PDs and chronic Axis I conditions. I had schema and DBT for an Axis I condition and it was the best thing I'd ever had.

Also, if you're unsure of diagnosis (I was misdiagnosed as bipolar once - I don't experience mood swings so it was a bizarre diagnosis...), you can appeal. Ask for another session with a psychiatrist and have them explain to you exactly what they think your diagnosis is, why they think that is your diagnosis (giving you a chance to correct any misunderstandings) and what kind of steps there are available to you.
 
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SarahD

SarahD

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Somerset, I agree with everything you wrote. It is disgusting how people with BPD and PDs in general are treated, and it is all a load of rubbish. I don't understand why MH services are not organised around actually helping people who need help, no matter the diagnosis. There is so much wrong with it, no wonder patients end up resentful and hating MH.

However I have come to the conclusion the only help we can rely on comes from ourselves.

I want to agree that you are intelligent, compassionate, well rounded personality, and mature - I was surprised to find you were so young. I would be very happy to have you as my friend or family member.

Please don't let them get you down.
 
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Caro5

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I am just sending some support. I have struggled for years with the 'be kind to yourself stuff' never really getting a grip on what if meant at all. I think I am finally starting to get the idea but it's not easy at all. I don't know why so many mental health professionals seem to have no imagination. If they did they'd understand how, when we are in the dark places, it's nigh on impossible to be positive about or care for ourselves. It takes huge courage to keep going and you are doing it Somerset and supporting others in the forum at the same time. This makes you one of the worlds good guys and if you can't believe it right now then your friends on here will just have to extra believe it for you.
 
Sparklypurplepaws

Sparklypurplepaws

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Sending love ss, I totally agree with all you put - I got that label 7ish years ago by a consultant in a pysc ward who'd seen me once! My pyschatrist disagreed with the diagnosis but the label sticks. The crisis team never take me seriously, and never offer admissions even when I clearly need it.
It's just not fair!
Love to you x
 
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MarlieeB

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It's bad when you hear stories like yours and also sad because I hear it so, so often.7

I hope you don't hurt you and you know I am here anytime

xxx
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Thank you so much everybody for your hugs and thoughtful replies. It's so very appreciated.

I'm sorry (but not surprised) that other people here know what the stigma is like around the label. :unsure:

Purplepaws - my experience was similar.
I got the label by a doctor on a ward except it wasn't even the doc who saw me, it was his junior (Dr in training). So without even meeting me, he gave me this label. Apparently this guy is a specialist in PDs.. so yeah, totally unbiased. :rolleyes:

So I haven't reached out for any professional help at all because I know what would happen.
There are too many painful memories and experiences to ever make me want to put any trust in the crisis team again.
Of course I will tell my CC when I next see her, but won't hold my breath for anything useful to come of that.

I did manage to refrain from self-harming, which i'm pleased about. Would have been pretty upset with myself if i'd have done it.
I just distracted myself making pointless crap from stuff i've got in my craft bag and then had a nap.
I think it's all just going to be a matter of taking things day by day and using distraction techniques.
 
Faylen

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Sorry for the lateness of this response - not long been on so just catching up on this thread.

I am glad that you did not self - harm (hug) that is a good thing x

I find it confusing how a stranger can diagnose someone within an hour when they can not possibly know what it is like to be that person - or if that person is even telling the full truth or what that person is really feeling or the underlying causes. It just seems stupid. Surely the mind is a complex organ. Labels in general alarm me in all honesty... perhaps it would not be a bad idea to attempt to be reevaluated - when the time was right for you.. Hmm..

Hmm distractions and day by day are sometimes the best thing - less pressure just keep on moving.

It is clear that you are a strong good hearted person - I hope that things get a bit easier for you xxx
 
blueflames

blueflames

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Hey Scorps

Really sad to read you are not doing so good. You are such an amazing support to others here, I almost forget that you suffer too :unsure:

Yeah, services are about as helpful as shitting in your hand and clapping. I am not sure it is just people with BPD who suffer either, tho they do seem to be the first to be bounced out with no help!

I wish I had some great advice for you but obviously I don't. I just wanted to send my love and wish you better.

I am always in PM if you want to talk xxxxxxx
 
keepsafe

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Hello Somerset and so sorry to hear you are struggling so much (((((((hugs))))).

I am going to come from a different angle here but to very much the same conclusion - hope no one minds?

I have a great team, my s.w. is fully understanding of my emotional difficulties and backs me up all the way, even to the point of helping me get off my anti psychs - He understands my emotional difficulties and the fact that it is so hard for me to like myself, he says everyone struggles with emotional difficulties but just not to the extremes we do.

My doctor has been my greatest supporter - she ha always been there for me even in a crisis and hasn't pushed me too far, even when I was anorexic she didn;t force me in to anything, being weighed etc. Then I got fat and couldn;t stand myself, despised myself with a passion - she still didn;t push me in to anything then. She has been with me throughout my whole experience and has been wonderful.

I have had great therapists and have also finished two and a half years of d.b.t. which was a bit bizarre and I didn;t always agree with the methods. But they were all there pushing me on.

I am starting therapy again in June, I am sure this won't be the last time either.

What any of the above people will NOT do is rescue me, they make it very clear (expect when I am psychotic) that all decisions are mine to make whether right or wrong and I should choose whether to carry on or end it.

I am NOT saying any of this is easy and boy have I been in crisis, I have been admitted a fair few times and also had the crisis team for prolonged periods(whom I have to agree with everyone else are shite).

At the end of the day it all comes down to ME and what I decide to do - I have realised that after much sould searching. I still have really bad times, I still despise myself sometimes and wish I were with my father, often thinking I must have his evil genes and deserve nothing better.

I still hear voices on a daily basis, I still think about suicide daily and harming myself or others. Who is perfect anyway?

I do know this though: I deserve better, I am a kind, considerate, loving person - I have friends who say this to me.

Even though I have been through so much torture and abuse, I still think there is hope and that is simply because there always is!

We must put our selves first and as always use tiny steps to progress, even if we fall by the wayside sometimes.

WE ARE TOUGH - WE WILL NOT BREAK

I suppose I have been one of the lucky ones, I have to say despite everything I have been through

Good luck to all with their long journeys ahead, its a struggle, no easy way out despite what path you choose.

Love to you all
KS
xxxx
 
bluemoon2

bluemoon2

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When I was first diagnosed with BPD I had no idea of the amount of stigma the condition gets. I told two people and within a week they gave me so much abuse for my condition all because they knew someone with BPD who hurt their friend in a relationship and because they pretty much believe everything they read on google and think that must be how all people with BPD behave. I can relate to the MH teams being bogus too when you end up in A&E after self harming or feeling suicidal - the nurses are rough with your injuries, rough with taking blood pressure and they won't admit you because of lack of beds/the fear of becoming dependent on doctors etc. Hang in there as best as you can, you've given so many people great advice on here and I want to return advice. BPD is a proper condition and these professionals need to start treating it as such. Modt of us have an empty hole which can never be filled therefore I think it's wrong google labels us as attention-seekers and crying out for help on our A&E visits. There is stigma across all mental illnesses, even when I told people I had anxiety the stigma wasn't any that much different to what we get with BPD and thats because people aren't properly educated in schools, workplaces, colleges etc on mental health. People are only told about the most common ones causing all mental illnesses to be seen as 'one single mental illness' and that's why stigma is such a problem.
 
D

diabolicalme

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Oh ss I'm relieved you didn't give in to the SH urges and you beat the stigma-ridden shitbags so to speak. I relate to every word everyone has written on this thread and actually feel distressed in recognition of it all but thankfully understood by you lot too. Only we know from bitter shared experience how the medical professionals/services treat us (with a few caring exceptions), NOW I know why I had a cannula roughly & painfully inserted in A&E 2 weeks' ago & left like that for hours..yes, yes, thanks to this post it all makes sense now - and the cold shoulders, the 'attitude', the whispers amongst various staff, and the empty promises for follow up that came to nothing. So, we all share here what goes on, how we're totally unjustifiably treated like little turds, despite being in genuine severe emotional pain crying out for someone to listen and care and help, just for even a short time to boost our inner fragile selfs. But no. Once labelled you're doomed. All that crappy self soothing stuff, yeah like it's so easy when in utter despair with intense emotions/emptiness. I wish.

I also think of you as strong ss cos you're always here for others saying the right things, but you are fighting the tough fight too, it's easy to forget. I sincerely hope you're in a better space by now, that you're pulling on through. Well done for not giving in that takes some inner strength to have got through. Good on you.

Love to all here, we're all brave soldiers. xxxx
 
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