What has helped you the most?

Lostinthestatic

Lostinthestatic

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2019
Messages
144
Location
New york
I want to clarify that I do not have a diagnosis for BPD, only depression and acute anxiety. I strongly suspect I may have BPD, but as I am not a professional I do not know for sure. I’m currently going back to therapy I’m just waiting until the intake appointment. All I can say is that I strongly identify with many BPD traits, mainly fear of abandonment and doing anything to avoid it, black and white thinking (and “splitting”), impulsiveness, self harm urges, suicidal ideation, childhood neglect, no sense of self and identity, fear of people. I don’t remember if all of this is included within BPD but regardless these are some of the things I’ve dealt with for years.

My mental health has led my relationship to doom. I’ve hurt and left and gave up so many times. I haven’t cheated but I’ve slept with others, jumping from one person to the next to find a sense of security. He never left even when he said I tore him down emotionally and left him feeling completely unlike himself. Even when I broke up with him, which happened several times, he could not find it in his heart to stop talking to me. I truly do love him and he deserves all of the love and devotion he has given me tenfold. I feel broken inside and he doesn’t understand it but I’m getting help.

Recently I’ve noticed hints of rage episodes. It starts off as a panic attack, crying and elevated heart rate, labored breathing, then adrenaline kicks in. Last time, I threw things, books at the wall, tore things down from the wall, ripped things. I felt so destructive. It only lasted maybe 20 minutes or less, but I felt out of control. I am not an angry person I normally stuff all the emotions down. But lately I feel like I’m exploding. Like I can’t stuff it down anymore.

It was triggered by my fear of abandonment, as my relationship is on its last legs and my boyfriend is getting tired of trying. This had only happened to me once in the past, caused by the same feeling. I feel like a walking contradiction because I don’t want him to abandon me but I’ve abandoned him so many times. I resented him and I’ve left him so often and convinced myself he was horrible and hated him. But I’m so irrational with my thoughts sometimes and I don’t know how to regulate certain emotions. I’ve found it so hard to see him in a shade of gray. He’s either my angel or my enemy and it confuses and hurts him so much.

What has helped you?
Are you on meds, if so how have they affected you?
Are you only going to therapy?
What are your coping mechanisms?

Not to be dramatic, sometimes every breath feels like pain.
 
Lostinthestatic

Lostinthestatic

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2019
Messages
144
Location
New york
Hey me too actually!! Well I’ve lost interest in most of my hobbies cause of depression but I do use it as an outlet sometimes. What kinda stuff do you draw?
 
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