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what happened to me???

E

emurray612

New member
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
3
Location
scotland
i discovered this forum recently and do not know if it is the right place to post.
about 16 years ago i had a abortion and went through the last 15 or so years with a burden of grief, guilt, even fears in my heart. i was diagnosed as suffering with anxiety, and post abortion syndrome. but the balance of that was something else inside me spiritually awakened and i became a more loving, sensitive and intuitive person. the down side was bad at times, but the up side was i was thankful for what i had gained and learned from it. i felt all those years i was on a spiritual "journey" and felt that i was heading in the right direction, to my destiny. over those years all the pieces were falling into place to form a wonderful "big picture" for me. and so i believed in just about everything there is to believe in life, all at once, and it was all truth for me with no conflict. apart from my own anxieties, the world was such a beautiful place and i felt i lived in a world full of love.
then about 6 months ago i do not know for sure what caused it, but it was one monumental explosion of anger right from my gut, not like a normal petty loss of temper. what triggered it was an argument with my partner of last 3 years about football of all things, but it was deeper than that. i screamed out at my partner or at "someone out there" to put an end to all this for me.
it feels like they did. immediately it was like something physically and emotionally just "went out of me". almost like waking up from a 15 year dream. it was like a part of my brain just shut down and an ache went out of my heart. for the first few days it was almost a kind of relief, but for the last 6 months it's like all my emotions shut down. i've lost my feeling of "connection" to the universe, or god or the collective consciousness or whatever. i've lost my vision of the "big picture", and lost all sense of "direction". it actually feels like my spiritual "journey" that i had been travelling ended that day, but the feeling that it was not meant to end this way.
i used to do inspiration and tarot cards for myself and others but i feel i've lost that too now. i just don't "connect" with them any more. i don't feel compassion any more and i cannot empathise any more as i used to.
ok so the pain of the burden of grief and guilt has gone, but so has everything else. this isn't healing. it was meant to happen gently through love, not this way. i feel right now just "dead" inside.
i do not know how to reconnect of if i even can. right now i am no longer really bothered any more by the abortion as i used to be. nor even bothered very much about my husband. nor any inspiration for the creative things i used to do such as paintings and poems. this world that i used to love so much doesn't feel the same any more. i've lost all faith in everything i ever believed and valued. even the music i used to love doesn't touch me any more.
i feel like i lost a part of myself since that day. i feel like i've been lobotomised!
i used to go on a site specially for post abortion syndrome, and many of the women there described it as a feeling of having "fallen down the rabbit hole" like alice in wonderland, going through post ab syndrome. that is how i would describe it too, except right now i just wish i could go back down the rabbit hole, it was at least better than this.
all those years i always had "insight" into whatever i was going through and at least it made sense to me why i felt the way i did at various times, and what i was doing right and wrong. buti have no insight into this new state of mind and can make no sense of it.
i used to look back and it felt like my whole life was a story with a constant thread running through it, and how i was led, and drawn to certain places or to do certain things. i felt the story was building up to a great ending, and i feel it might have happened had i not blown my top that day. but now i feel i've "lost the plot" of the whole story and wonder how i can go back and pick up the thread again or even if this is possible.
i have to end this it's not making much sense ...
 
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thefool

Member
Joined
Sep 29, 2009
Messages
13
Hiya, greetings from limbo.
Parts of your story struck a chord though obviously for different reasons, especially the lobotomised feeling and loss of insight.
I suppose i shouldnt complain, i never really fitted in on their planet anyway :)
take care, if i ever find the way out of here i'll let you know where it is.
 
L

Leon

Guest
I've found that with my depression comes an 'emotional deadening'. I find this very disturbing, but to me it's a way of the mind shutting off the pain, but it is not a solution.
I've been 'lost' many times but have managed to find my way and reconnect.
Like you say it is a journey, and a scary one at times, but there is a way through.
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,719
Location
Yorkshire
Your story sounds so very similar in many ways to my experiences. I too broke down about three years ago and since have felt totally directionless without emotion or interest in anything in particular. Prior to this I had ups and downs but acknowledged them to be events on the life journey to be gained from but since then I just can't see a way forward, very much like my journey has come to an end. I've linked this at least in part to the trauma I felt as a child when my mother died thirty years before the breakdown.
 
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