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What does depression do to us?

KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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Does it destroy us?

Does it make us who we are?

It feels like it becomes our identity.

The shit we do to ourselves ends up feeling like the normal thing to do.

Sometimes I have a fleeting thought that it’s wrong, I shouldn’t be doing it, it’s causing me harm, it’s not normal.
But most of the time I just think nah it’s fine, it’s just what I do, it’s part of who I am.

Is it coping, surviving or addiction? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t know. I’m confused. I’m rambling.
Am I even okay? 🤷🏻‍♀️ No effing idea!
 
KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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I think ‘are you okay’ and ‘are you feeling okay’ are 2 different questions.

Am I okay? Probably not no.

Am I feeling okay? Right now, yeah I think so.

My confusion is am I feeling okay because I no longer feel like I give a shit?
I’m feeling like I don’t care. Like I don’t care what happens.
Doesn’t lead to good places though does it?!
 
J

justabloke

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It is just a burden. Some people do manage to grift from it (Normally celebrity/middle/upper class types selling a book/newspaper/charity) but for most people it is a burden.
 
KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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It is just a burden. Some people do manage to grift from it (Normally celebrity/middle/upper class types selling a book/newspaper/charity) but for most people it is a burden.
That is very true!

Maybe it’s not a burden anymore, I just feel like I don’t care.
 
S

SadRainbow

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It really feels like it's becoming part of who I am 😞 I really miss the person I used to be. I don't think she's coming back.
 
KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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It really feels like it's becoming part of who I am 😞 I really miss the person I used to be. I don't think she's coming back.
:hug1: I know what you mean but I don’t think I even miss any past version of me, I used to. Do I even care about myself now? I don’t know, I don’t think I particularly do.
 
S

SadRainbow

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I've been thinking of previous times when I've broken down and trying to think what got me through them. I think it was just the passage of time. I'm sick of waiting for the storm to pass though. I keep trying to think of ways to help myself but I don't know what more I can do 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm really sorry you're so very low KittyCat. Is there anything particularly bothering you? ❤
 
KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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I've been thinking of previous times when I've broken down and trying to think what got me through them. I think it was just the passage of time. I'm sick of waiting for the storm to pass though. I keep trying to think of ways to help myself but I don't know what more I can do 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm really sorry you're so very low KittyCat. Is there anything particularly bothering you? ❤
It’s hard to think about ‘it will pass’ when you know for sure it’s gonna come back again isn’t it?

I’m not coping in the best way but then I think do I even care what happens to me? Ultimately I’m causing myself harm but I’m just seeing it as ‘this is who I am’ as a whole.

When I stop and look around I do feel like all I have is me. At the end of the day all I really have is me. What happens when you don’t even like or trust yourself?
 
S

SadRainbow

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I'm really sorry you're feeling like that. Sounds like you could really do with a hug so I am sending one!
 
KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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I'm really sorry you're feeling like that. Sounds like you could really do with a hug so I am sending one!
Thank you :hug1: Depression is so f***ing lonely, I find myself just assuming that how I feel and how I survive is just normal.

I should never be surprised or hurt when people leave me, I should be used to it. I should be used to being alone.
 
Racer

Racer

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HI Kittycat, i'm sorry to hear how depressed you are right now, i know it isn't easy. i try to get outside when depressed, and get some sun. i also think about 2 of my friends that took their life, sounds wierd, but it helps me appreciate still being here. i have been trying to do that all day today, but i'm still here in the house. also would like to send you a hug !
 
KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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HI Kittycat, i'm sorry to hear how depressed you are right now, i know it isn't easy. i try to get outside when depressed, and get some sun. i also think about 2 of my friends that took their life, sounds wierd, but it helps me appreciate still being here. i have been trying to do that all day today, but i'm still here in the house. also would like to send you a hug !
I’m sorry about your 2 friends :hug1: And I’m sorry you feel this way too.

I’ve always thought being so ‘high functioning’ was a good thing and helped me when I feel like this but maybe it doesn’t. Being able to do everything no matter how I feel makes it harder to do anything to help me out of it. If that makes any sense?
Like I’m numb to distractions because I do them anyway.
 
S

StillDepressed

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It destroys us like a flesh eating parasite of the brain
Until it takes over and it is all that remains
We no longer know what is was like before
We don't cope, we merely exist as Depressions host
 
KittyCat92

KittyCat92

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It destroys us like a flesh eating parasite of the brain
Until it takes over and it is all that remains
We no longer know what is was like before
We don't cope, we merely exist as Depressions host
This is deep, I feel your pain :hug1: ❤
 
S

SadRainbow

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I’m sorry about your 2 friends :hug1: And I’m sorry you feel this way too.

I’ve always thought being so ‘high functioning’ was a good thing and helped me when I feel like this but maybe it doesn’t. Being able to do everything no matter how I feel makes it harder to do anything to help me out of it. If that makes any sense?
Like I’m numb to distractions because I do them anyway.
I understand. I still go out nearly every day. I see friends and I smile and chat with them. I get housework done. I entertain my daughter. I've been masking my emotions since I was little so nobody seems to understand just how low I am, even if I tell them - my body language and demeanour don't match the words. People don't take me seriously when I occasionally say I'm living a joyless existence.

I feel like I've had to make a massive fuss to get treatment. I feel like my friends think I'm exaggerating when I sometimes tell them how I feel.
 
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