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What do you do with the sorrys that can't be said?

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bluebell24

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As in, I finally have the words to articulate an apology but the recipient would nor want me to say them to him?

I feel as though I need to say it aloud just so it's left my mind and gone elsewhere. I have no idea if that will make sense to anyone or not?! I could just post my apology here, he'll never see it but I have a sense I would feel in some part at ease if I sat least expressed the conclusions I have reached.

Would it be okay for me to do that?
 
intelgal

intelgal

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No problem Bluebell..

Sometime writing things down wherever it is can help

take care

xx
 
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bluebell24

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I'm going to expose my thoughts to all your poor souls on here! Just need to think about it before I write my essay later!! ; )
 
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bluebell24

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Okay, here goes nothing, bearing in mind the intended recipient will never see this ...

I have to begin with the idea that one day I might run into you again. It's fortunate we have no mutual friends, well not really, the odd former colleague through whom there is an indirect link, but no-one I am close enough to that I'd share even a smidgen of this. So I imagine how I might feel should I see you walking down the street, and I'm pretty much maintaining a neutral position. My response would be dictated by the look on your face should that happen. I know those looks, the resigned disappointment, the subdued anger and the genuine happiness at seeing me. I've not really considered the stark look of horror which I'd rather not be greeted with.

If I did meet you again I'd still be hopeful. Not for any opportunity for reconciliation although I think you know I'm quite the dreamer and while reality and rationality tells me otherwise I'm a believer that there is always, always hope but that wouldn't be the way I'd handle any chance meeting.

I do want to apologise, more than anything. Well not more than making amends and you know I would do absolutely anything, fall on my sword if it would work. I know there really is nothing though.

You told me that I pursued and harassed you like 'some obsessive stalker' after you'd requested I cease contact. You are of course right in this assertion. Believe me I have ploughed through website after website analysing my behaviour against those listed as typical of obsessive stalkers and yes, I ticked all the boxes. I have no explanation for that behaviour, none that is rational anyway. And I hope you understand that, despite the way some of my communications may have appeared that I do not and cannot accept the 'I was ill' explanation. I know how I felt and how that contributed to the behaviour. I felt abandoned, bereft, as though you'd just disappeared and taken away with you the chance to have a wonderful friendship for life. And I responded by clinging on to you for dear life. I shouldn't have, clarity tells me that.

Before we stopped being friends I was utterly convinced that you were either going to break away from me or intended to do me some harm - to unravel all the weird, boundary-defying stuff that had happened and wanted to take revenge. I was sure at that point that you had only continued with our friendship as means to an end and that end was to make me experience all the confusion, stress and intrusion on quality of life that our friendship had cost you.

I was absolutely crazy, no doubt about it, and if it weren't for that craziness we would almost certainly never been friends. It was the lack of boundaries that let me open up to you, that found countless ways to connect with you. We might've become friends under other circumstances but not such fast friends. When I say that however I realise my perspective on us being friends was consistently skewed but there were times, and things you said, that looking back make me believe that you genuinely did like me, and liked us being friends. I was just too paranoid, tense, irrational and insecure to believe that.

This all sounds so bad, like it was a totally ridiculous relationship based on nothing but my need. But it really doesn't seem like that as we had stacks in common, not least, at least i like to think, our sense of humour. Not that we had one sense of humour but you catch my drift I hope.

I cannot say sorry enough. I feel like I've lost so much in losing your friendship but I have to consider your perspective. I worry so much about how much stress I put you through and the impact that has had on you and your relationships with other people, particularly when you were getting together with someone special in your life. I sincerely hope that this hasn't impacted on that relationship in any long-term and damaging way.

I'm sorry that I let you down time after time after time. You truly had the patience of a saint to put up with me and as you already know I will always be grateful for the support and friendship you gave me in an unfathomably bad time in my life.

As usual this is coming out in a daft, stream of consciousness, dislocated way that would do nothing to convince you of my sanity. Were this an actual conversation it would be, I think, interspersed with some jollity even in the serious parts; I think there is a distinct dose of cynicism and need for sarcasm in both our personalities that would make sure of that.

You know, I really don't buy into the illness as excuse or even explanation, I feel too much of a sense of personal responsibility. That's not about beating myself up, something you've noted about me on more than one occasion. Just that if I did that it would provide significantly less impetus for getting and staying better and not really acknowledge the gravity of the situation.

I'm just sorry. I could write 10000 words here and I could never express it decently or articulately. Rubbish. Sucks. Sadly lost the inability to express myself somewhere in this!
 
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*Sapphire*

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bluebell that sounded refreshingly honest and straight from the heart. I hope you can begin to get some closure (for want of a better word) on this now :hug:
 
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intelgal

intelgal

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Its really hard... I think creating closure on something so emotive iand s one of the hardest things you can do IMO.

But I think you need to make sure to take time out and look after yourself. This has caused you a deep emotional wound and even though you feel as though you are the cause of it moving on means letting your own wounds heal.

This will stay with you and will always be part of you but one day you will find positivity from it. It will make you grow as a person and add to you as a person .. despite the great pain it is obviously causing.

Take care Bluebell and remeber to look after no1 ..

Intel
xx
 
S

*Sapphire*

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Yes Intelgal, I think heal and growth are much better words, i'm having a bit of a scatty day! :)
Not being able to say sorry is so hard, but i've personally found that forgiveness also needs to come from within.
 
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bluebell24

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Thank you both. I really hope that writing everything here will provide some sort if catharsis. I've filled reams of paper with my ramblings the past few months yet somehow it just felt I needed to say it 'aloud' for it to be meaningful.

I know I need to forgive myself but that does seem quite a way off yet. I struggle knowing or at least suspecting that my actions may have damaged other parts of a person's life, especially someone I care for so much. I have never intentionally causes harm to anyone and I don't believe that I've ever caused quite so much unhappiness unintentionally either.

I know that he is a strong and vibrant person so part of my hopes he has completely put this behind him, and will continue to be the kind, trusting and tolerant soul he was; it would upset me still further to think my actions would make him think twice about taking a chance on someone again.

This really had torn me apart & I know it won't be easy to let that heal; but I will keep on trying to find the way forward. Broken hearts to get fixed I know.

*sigh*
 
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bluebell24

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Oh, annoying typos cannot be fixed with an iPhone apparently! ;)
 
intelgal

intelgal

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I suppose try and look at it from this perspective.

I wa badly bullied at school and although I never felt angry I felt deep pain and bitterness about it. It ruind my start in life and was still effecting my daily life unitl not that long ago and still creeps in every now and then. I lost most of my self respect and did things I regretted to myself. Through the help I got I am now able to acknowldge the thoughts and feelings and just doing this really helps.

Sorry if this sounds a bit 'whacky' but I empathise with your pain arounfd self forgivness

xx
 
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bluebell24

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Hi intelgal,

do you mind me asking what sort of help you had? I have considered counselling, not for the specifics of the situation but rather the 'did something terrible, accept the consequences' aspect. I don't really know how to approach what has happened as it was something I did as opposed to something dine to me, if that makes sense! Nothing whacky about what you said btw!!

I do feel better for having got the thoughts off my chest, a teary night last night and also a lot of embarassment re: the 'stalker' thing. It sounds a million times worse out of context from the entire ins and outs tho I teeter between thinking it was said out of anger and desperation to get rid and a genuine comment on my behaviour ... and both! I still acknowledge that my actions equate to that kind of obsessive behaviour but also know that I didn't do anything with harmful intentions. I abused trust, did not respect his wishes and certainly communicated too frequently before and after the friendship ended but never, ever intended any kind of distress which I can see clearly now I would have caused.

While I don't mind anyone thinking I'm crazy I don't want anyone to think I am 'bad' inside ... I know I am not ; )
 
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