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What do I do?

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Antnee

New member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
2
Location
East Anglia
Hi,
Having problems with holding back issues, not confronting problems head on, instead i avoid them, or ignore them. I cant deal with confrontation, I cant make decisions about my personal life for fear of how others will react, even deciding whether i should stay with my girlfriend or not. Pent up long term issues with my family, work, my girlfriend, and it all resulted last week in panic attacks, sinking stomach feelings, head going to explode, tearfulness, loss of appetite, cant concentrate/sleep, just a 'cant be bothered' attitude.
Im dealing with a lot of this now with a therapist, but still getting pressure from my girlfriend on whether i want her, want to be with her, whether we have a future, whether i'll move in, but ive not met some of the milestones that she has during our 5 year relationship, so we are at different stages. Ive not met them due to the issues i mentioned above.
So the question, whilst im seeing a therapist about me, and trying to get my head around my issues, do i, in parallel see a couples therapist with her to try and address the concerns i have with our relationship? Do i put me first or do i put us first?
:(

Thanks.
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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Moderator
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Jan 2, 2012
Messages
7,834
Location
Teesside
Hi Antnee and welcome to the forum!
Im really glad you have a therapist to help you unravel all of this emotion that is going on inside you.
I really think (from my own experience) you need to put your own therapy first and then go for couples counselling. Im sure the therapist will agree with me that having two sessions running along side each other may get distracting and may be detrimental to the other sessions.

Focus on you for now. Get your issues and emotions resolved and then try and work on your relationship. I would have thought your girlfriend would understand the place you are in right now. Have you actually told her how hard you are finding this?
Keep talking,
Hugs
Fox
 
A

Antnee

New member
Joined
May 4, 2021
Messages
2
Location
East Anglia
tried talking, but the fact we dont live together means she just wants me to be there. Im conscious that we'd split and her girls were very upset by it, but by getting back together when im not really in the right head space isnt ideal for her, me or the girls, especially if 'us' doesnt pan out in two weeks, or 2 months. I dont want to lose her, but also conscious i need to make the right decisions for us at the right time, rather than be selfish, and ignore how this could be disruptive to everyone again, by blindly moving forward. She understands what im going through but i also think her love for me is partly clouding her judgement at this time, which im also very conscious of :(
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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tried talking, but the fact we dont live together means she just wants me to be there. Im conscious that we'd split and her girls were very upset by it, but by getting back together when im not really in the right head space isnt ideal for her, me or the girls, especially if 'us' doesnt pan out in two weeks, or 2 months. I dont want to lose her, but also conscious i need to make the right decisions for us at the right time, rather than be selfish, and ignore how this could be disruptive to everyone again :(
You sound as though you know whats right for you. Now isnt the right time to move back by the sounds of it.
Im sorry she cannot see it. maybe in time she will see that this was the right decision for both of you. In the meantime keep up with the therapy, im a great believer in it.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,892
Location
Nashua NH
I think you need to bite the bullet and break up with your girlfriend. If you have been together for five years and you haven’t gotten to the point where you are ready to move in together then you are taking advantage of her love for you and stringing her along. If you have the issues you say you do it sounds like they are preventing you from being in a healthy relationship and functioning adequately. If this is the case you must be clear about this with your partner so she understands why you are not at the same place she is and why you might never be able to get there. Five years is a long time to keep someone waiting and pining for a romantic situation to pan out when there are very real obstacles in the way that you have described that may take years to resolve before you can enter into a successful relationship with someone if you are ever able to. Put yourself first and get into therapy. It’s time to be honest with her, do the right thing and let her go. xo, j
 
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