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What do i do now?

1

123roppo

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 23, 2018
Messages
114
So I went to my appointment yesterday with my care Co. At this point I hadn't slept in 24 hours and had little to no sleep prior to that. He was aware of the incident from the 30th as I was forced to attend hospital after speaking to duty.

I had also emailed him the morning before seeing him. I basically begged for help explaining how I'd had multiple incidents in the last 5 days but never attended hospital as I felt really hopeless ect.
I got the usual response,
-I can tell your suffering and I feel bad seeing you like this.
-if I had a magic wand I'd take it all away.
-what do you think you need.
He then tried to move on and pushed for us to work on some paperwork he already had planned. I stopped him instantly as I recognised it, it was the same paperwork my last care Co tried to start working on and stopped. So I broke down more frustrated with the same things recurring. Basically put my foot down and said no I want my issue sorted now before I lose this battle. This whole time I'm having a panic attack and he still kept pushing.
So I sat up and said either you help me now or I leave. He stopped and put the work away, he asked again what I felt I needed. I said d I need to get somewhere safe and broke down again. He went on and then finally mentioned crisis house.... When I said I'd try that he appolgised. Went on to say that its not actually accepting new patients due to some people having covid there.
So I gave up after that, he pushed again for this paperwork and started banging on about distress tolerance. I just let him carry on and carry on wasn't listening at this point because I know about it I've got 3 copies of the same a4 sheet he was reading to me. Then he started mentioning my gender... (Its been a question for me for a while nothing new) and how maybe this is all situational right now because my family don't agree with me ect ect. So I blew up again. I asked how this was situational.... How it could possibly be situational when there isn't a situation to deal with. He stopped and changed the subject to my appointment next week with my consultant. I explained how I don't want to attend, I'm not on meds anyway so what will he even do to help.
He then looks at his watch and says he has to go. I'm still crying my eyes out at this point. So he got up and said he's offering me an appointment on Friday but understands I probably won't show up.

Spoke to mum and dad after. Dad wants me in hospital but a specialist pd hospital. Mum agrees and she said she's calling them because she is worried sick and tired of them being like this. Everyone around me is telling me I need to be in hospital but services are not allowing it right now.


So now what?
Do I just carry on till they come to help?
I don't know anymore
 
O

Orangeade

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2021
Messages
1,739
Location
England
So I went to my appointment yesterday with my care Co. At this point I hadn't slept in 24 hours and had little to no sleep prior to that. He was aware of the incident from the 30th as I was forced to attend hospital after speaking to duty.

I had also emailed him the morning before seeing him. I basically begged for help explaining how I'd had multiple incidents in the last 5 days but never attended hospital as I felt really hopeless ect.
I got the usual response,
-I can tell your suffering and I feel bad seeing you like this.
-if I had a magic wand I'd take it all away.
-what do you think you need.
He then tried to move on and pushed for us to work on some paperwork he already had planned. I stopped him instantly as I recognised it, it was the same paperwork my last care Co tried to start working on and stopped. So I broke down more frustrated with the same things recurring. Basically put my foot down and said no I want my issue sorted now before I lose this battle. This whole time I'm having a panic attack and he still kept pushing.
So I sat up and said either you help me now or I leave. He stopped and put the work away, he asked again what I felt I needed. I said d I need to get somewhere safe and broke down again. He went on and then finally mentioned crisis house.... When I said I'd try that he appolgised. Went on to say that its not actually accepting new patients due to some people having covid there.
So I gave up after that, he pushed again for this paperwork and started banging on about distress tolerance. I just let him carry on and carry on wasn't listening at this point because I know about it I've got 3 copies of the same a4 sheet he was reading to me. Then he started mentioning my gender... (Its been a question for me for a while nothing new) and how maybe this is all situational right now because my family don't agree with me ect ect. So I blew up again. I asked how this was situational.... How it could possibly be situational when there isn't a situation to deal with. He stopped and changed the subject to my appointment next week with my consultant. I explained how I don't want to attend, I'm not on meds anyway so what will he even do to help.
He then looks at his watch and says he has to go. I'm still crying my eyes out at this point. So he got up and said he's offering me an appointment on Friday but understands I probably won't show up.

Spoke to mum and dad after. Dad wants me in hospital but a specialist pd hospital. Mum agrees and she said she's calling them because she is worried sick and tired of them being like this. Everyone around me is telling me I need to be in hospital but services are not allowing it right now.


So now what?
Do I just carry on till they come to help?
I don't know anymore
Hoping someone here can provide you with answers x sending you my love as i also have bpd
 
1

123roppo

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 23, 2018
Messages
114
Mum spoke with care Co today. She explained how she was concerned ect. All he had to say was we have to persevere with it and hope it get better. There isn't much more they can do to help.

It just keeps getting worse and worse. Why are they like this
 
W

WhySoSerious

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
476
Location
UK
So I went to my appointment yesterday with my care Co. At this point I hadn't slept in 24 hours and had little to no sleep prior to that. He was aware of the incident from the 30th as I was forced to attend hospital after speaking to duty.

I had also emailed him the morning before seeing him. I basically begged for help explaining how I'd had multiple incidents in the last 5 days but never attended hospital as I felt really hopeless ect.
I got the usual response,
-I can tell your suffering and I feel bad seeing you like this.
-if I had a magic wand I'd take it all away.
-what do you think you need.
He then tried to move on and pushed for us to work on some paperwork he already had planned. I stopped him instantly as I recognised it, it was the same paperwork my last care Co tried to start working on and stopped. So I broke down more frustrated with the same things recurring. Basically put my foot down and said no I want my issue sorted now before I lose this battle. This whole time I'm having a panic attack and he still kept pushing.
So I sat up and said either you help me now or I leave. He stopped and put the work away, he asked again what I felt I needed. I said d I need to get somewhere safe and broke down again. He went on and then finally mentioned crisis house.... When I said I'd try that he appolgised. Went on to say that its not actually accepting new patients due to some people having covid there.
So I gave up after that, he pushed again for this paperwork and started banging on about distress tolerance. I just let him carry on and carry on wasn't listening at this point because I know about it I've got 3 copies of the same a4 sheet he was reading to me. Then he started mentioning my gender... (Its been a question for me for a while nothing new) and how maybe this is all situational right now because my family don't agree with me ect ect. So I blew up again. I asked how this was situational.... How it could possibly be situational when there isn't a situation to deal with. He stopped and changed the subject to my appointment next week with my consultant. I explained how I don't want to attend, I'm not on meds anyway so what will he even do to help.
He then looks at his watch and says he has to go. I'm still crying my eyes out at this point. So he got up and said he's offering me an appointment on Friday but understands I probably won't show up.

Spoke to mum and dad after. Dad wants me in hospital but a specialist pd hospital. Mum agrees and she said she's calling them because she is worried sick and tired of them being like this. Everyone around me is telling me I need to be in hospital but services are not allowing it right now.


So now what?
Do I just carry on till they come to help?
I don't know anymore

It sounds like you are suffering and the focus on relatively meaningless paperwork wasn't your priority or need at the time. It sounds like he partially heard what you were saying but process was an over-riding factor for him. Not helpful!

A few questions - do you NEED to do anything? Sometimes we fall into "doing" rather than just "being" and whilst that sounds easy its totally not.

I noticed and highlighted something that you said and wondered whether that was effective? Distress tolerance works, but you have to put in SO much effort. I suspect he was probably trying to be helpful but if we turn off and stop listening we may not hear the one thing that is said that we don't predict. I've been guilty of dismissing things out of turn, only to realise later that what I thought the person was going to say and what they actually did were two different things.

What do you actually want? I think that's what really shone through in this post. To be "somewhere safe" is not specific enough. It sounds like you may not have known at the time - heck, we often don't know what we want without panic!

I am also really curious why the old Care Co had to stop the paperwork he was trying to do here? Could there be an element of avoidance of doing this for some reason? What is the paperwork that is so important that he wants to push you to do it even when upset?

I have a friend who they tried to do a crisis plan with and she almost inevitably had a "panic" attack which stopped the whole thing progressing. I had to very gently ask whether even thinking about the plan was painful and was her emotional response a behaviour to avoid having to talk about it. Surprisingly she actually accepted that this was likely the case - after she threw a minor tantrum about being "accused of manipulating" people.

Just some things to mull over. As for a specialist PD place, I'd steer WELL clear. Only because we learn bad behaviours in places like that and can often come out much worse. I knew a girl that went in with relatively low level self-harming and ended up looking like a patchwork quilt when she finally got out. Also from my experience, getting in is exceptionally difficult. Rightly.

Good luck!
 
1

123roppo

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 23, 2018
Messages
114
Last time we tried with the paperwork I was all for it and ready to progress with it. It was around emotional regulation and boundaries. Two major things I struggle with. But my old care Co stopped bringing it, he did this with a lot of things over the years and I slowly got used to his lack of commitment with the work set out. So at the time I was in supported living and decided I'd take on the responsibility and started the workbooks with them. That in its self was a task because they was support workers... They had no clue what any of it ment so I'd question stuff and get no where. So it didn't work or help and well I got half way through 1 of 4 books before we gave up.
I'm just realising that I'm getting the same advice continually, same work same everything.
Spoke to care Co today over the phone.... Told him I wasn't feeling safe at all and that I had a plan ect. He yet again just fobbed it off said I was tired and just needed to sleep. There was nothing we can do again.
I understand what your saying about the specialist hospital. But I don't know what my other options are currently because this isn't getting better or changing with what ever they are doing now.
 
W

WhySoSerious

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
476
Location
UK
Last time we tried with the paperwork I was all for it and ready to progress with it. It was around emotional regulation and boundaries. Two major things I struggle with. But my old care Co stopped bringing it, he did this with a lot of things over the years and I slowly got used to his lack of commitment with the work set out. So at the time I was in supported living and decided I'd take on the responsibility and started the workbooks with them. That in its self was a task because they was support workers... They had no clue what any of it ment so I'd question stuff and get no where. So it didn't work or help and well I got half way through 1 of 4 books before we gave up.
I'm just realising that I'm getting the same advice continually, same work same everything.
Spoke to care Co today over the phone.... Told him I wasn't feeling safe at all and that I had a plan ect. He yet again just fobbed it off said I was tired and just needed to sleep. There was nothing we can do again.
I understand what your saying about the specialist hospital. But I don't know what my other options are currently because this isn't getting better or changing with what ever they are doing now.
So I am hearing that professionals have reinforced not completing things?

I am always curious why people stop doing things. I've found professionals stop bringing things because either we keep saying things don't work (so why bother) or that we resist trying (in which case why bother!) I've found that I shaped a previous therapist into not asking me to do things because I'd dismiss everything as being unhelpful. So eventually she just gave up even trying.

One day she said "WSS, you have three options. You accept that your life is shit and it isn't changing. You change and this is painful and hard. Or you say miserable. Those are the only options. And it is shit, and unfair and horrible and at the same time those are your only three options" (we took suicide/self-harming off the table, it wasn't even up for discussion. If I said I wanted to harm myself she asked why I was bothering attending as it would be a waste of my final hours which I could spend being more productive!)

She was perhaps the best therapist and the biggest bitch I have ever come across. I hated her. I wanted to fire her. I wanted to tell her where to go. I stuck with her and I can honestly say she was the best. Because she didn't bullshit me or tell me that I was some sad, fragile person who couldn't cope.

What is the ACTUAL emotion you are experiencing? Because "not feeling safe" isn't an emotion. And it is the emotion that you need to address rather than focusing on the behaviour of ruminating on being unsafe.

Sorry there was alot of info there! Just some thoughts. I hope you get peace soon but its a journey. You can do it!!!
 
1

123roppo

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 23, 2018
Messages
114
I honestly wish I had that honesty with my team. All these years I've not been actively involved in anything. My last care Co would have meetings about me on a monthly basis (only just found this out) not once did I get any feedback or anything. I expressed this to my new care Co, asked that he involved me in anything and everything but I'm still not 100% sure he is listening to that.
Spoke to the out of hours team yesterday and he read my notes and went on to say oh I see your working on some cbt stuff with your care Co..... As far as I know we aren't. All the work we've been doing is around building up a formulation to take to psychology and work out a treatment plan. So I don't know what we are working on or doing. This whole time all I've been doing is showing up every week because that's what they ask of me.


I'm supposed to be seeing my consultant on Tuesday. I'm terrified to go... Ive not seen him in a year and the last time I saw him he was with a team sectioning me for a hospital admission. I'm worried about the appointment big time, I'm off my meds and I'm in a bad place mentally and physically.
Do I go or say I'm ill and get out of it.??
 
1

123roppo

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 23, 2018
Messages
114
Small update. I went to my appointment with the consultant. Was someone new so that was a shock when I got there. But long story short im being admitted. There's no beds currently so I've been sent home and waiting for a phone call with next steps.
Hopefully we will get on top of this and get me back to a normal life.
 
1

123roppo

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 23, 2018
Messages
114
I'm so frustrated with this team now. So I went to my appointment yesterday with the gate keeper. Basically was told it was a formality but was more than likely going to be offered admission as my consultant psychiatrist recommended it.
My care Co came and he'd decided he didn't agree with my doctor... So ended up walking out of the appointment yesterday with nothing. No plan for anything. So my parents got involved and demanded I got to cmht office and speak to them. So I did.
Ended up seeing my care Co with the manager and mum on the phone. I was distressed to say the least. Could barely string a sentence together. Ended up being told they'd discuss the situation in this mornings meeting with the doctor and the team. I'd get a call back today with the outcome.

So he's just called me now. Starts off with can you meet me at 2pm to discuss what I want out of an admission. So he doesn't really tell me an outcome just that he wants to discuss a pan for an admission. So I'm not sure what is happening now. I think it's being planned to admit me but he isn't doing to refarral till he's met me at 2 and we've discussed it.

I'm so frustrated with the whole thing. I don't want to be in hospital but right now it's what's needed. I'm not well and I know I need the help but why do I have to scream at them to do anything
 
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