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What do girls look for in a guy, really?

L

Lionheart

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I was just wondering in anybody has any ideas as to what girls really appreciate in a person and how to show these attributes. I know everyone hears all the time it is personality but how does someone show a girl personality and get there attention I guess?
I know this all probably sounds kinda lame but I really don't have much experience and I would like to enjoy my life more and meet someone but I don't really know how to start?
Maybe I do the wrong things?

Any feedback appreciated, just don't make fun please! :unsure:
 
A

Apotheosis

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I'll be honest in the way I see it.

I am kind, caring, sensitive, generally gentle, quiet & thoughtful - This is not what women want!

- IMO -

There are unconscious & primordial instincts at work here; that go back to a far earlier time in humanities history.

Basically women want a man to look after the cave - someone that has strong & aggressive traits, that will make decisions quickly & off the cuff - fast acting - taking control. You get the idea. The ideal muscle ripped modern man is a reflection of this desire/aspiration.

A certain amount of women also have an inbuilt need to change men. So they will look for people with personality & character traits & circumstances that they believe they can change. Severe labelled mental Illness, (as well as other traits/circumstances) is not considered something that can be changed; & partly reason that women stay away.

There is a very old Chinese saying (I didn't write it, so don't crucify me for saying it) -
"Foolish is the Woman who thinks she can change a man; foolish is the man who trusts a woman."

Women secretly want a man who won't play their games. Courtship is all a game - a man who is confident, 'cocky & funny', & that doesn't bite into any of these control 'games' - has women falling at their feet.

I have seen it - I observe it in others. Women smell desperation a mile off - they love it if men don't bite & show no interest & are immune to these attention games.

I am interested to see the reactions I get from women for saying all this - they likely will strongly deny it.

I used to date & be in relationships; for many years, & I have lived. - I have a number of friends who have strings of relationships one after another, they cheat & sleep around, they generally treat women badly. I am not condoning such things. But why if women truly wanted a sweet, kind considerate man, do so many of them so often fall for bastards? It's a good question - they are attracted to things about such people that fulfil certain primary (primordial) & largely unconscious needs & desires.

Given my total unwillingness to play any kind of courting or dating game. Given my attitudes to all this. & that I am looking for someone who is following a similar path to mine; the result is having been single for 11 years.

I actively block romantic engagements & relationships.

As a very generalised observation - the basis for 'sexual relations' & partners; is primarily motivated by one thing - our biggest instinct & natural desire - the desire to breed - it underlays most relationships. People deny & cover this reality with all kinds of nonsense. Lets face facts - a 'relationships' primary motivational purpose is sex, the primary goal of that - is to breed.

People are powerfully motivated in attraction on suitability of fatherhood & motherhood, & the multiple factors needed for what people personally consider to be the beat traits.

It would also appear that men & women look for different things. As stated above; also women look far more at a complex of factors that can influence suitability of the right partner - based partly on looks - but that is far from the primary motivation - far more are things like - ability to manage & look after oneself (the cave). Personality & character traits. Men on the other hand are primarily motivated by physical looks (underlying ability to child bear). This fact of men's primary motivation is obvious, & incorporated into women's games - hence the use of face paints, revealing clothing, nice smells, posing etc etc etc.

Does that help?
 
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A

Apotheosis

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- IMO -

I'd add the 'Battle of the sexes' has largely been won by women. Women in general call the shots. This is especially true of younger generations. This has created a lot of imbalance - Women generally now think that they are superior to men. There is sexism from both men & women; & I strongly oppose sexism wherever it is. But there has been & is a trend of violence by women against men, & other generalised aberrant sexist behaviour by women.

I am not saying that there is equality; or that male sexism isn't still a problem - it obviously is - but there is growing sexism from women. I would say that the women's liberation movement has caused & created as many problems as it proports to have solved.
 
shaun3210

shaun3210

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I agree with most of what Apo said but not all, I think there is a lot of women act in the way he described but in my experience not all, I am surrounded by women how want to fix me in my family so tend to run a mile when I meet a female who might show any signs of wanting to do that, my radar picks up on that very early.

There has been periods in my life when I been reasonably successful at attracting the opposite sex, while other times not so much ...looking back I think for me it came down to confidence and how I was feeling about myself at the time.
I play “the strong silent type quite well” when feeling relatively ok in myself, which seems quite popular in some circles.

You are quite young take it easy and don’t worry about it too much, maybe look to make more female friends and take it from there?
 
unlucky

unlucky

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While I agree in part with Apo, I would say that IMO women don't want to settle down with this sort of man. My experience (and it is only my experience) is that you have to kiss a helluva lot of frogs before you find your prince!! I went for years of going out with good looking 'bastards' and did firmly believe that I could change them. To no avail!! I settled down 7 years ago with a guy who is not conventionally good looking, in fact hes balding, slightly overweight with glasses, but who is the funniest, most caring man I have ever met. We met when I worked in a bookies and he used to come in to do his footbal coupon on a Saturday - I didn't fancy him when I seen him but after speaking to him for a couple of months completely fell in love with him and here we are, married and still as much in love as we were then.
In conclusion I think that bastards are ak for a women when she wants to play about but when she wants to settle down it is personality and caring that we really go for!!
 
S

*Sapphire*

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I'll be honest in the way I see it.

I am kind, caring, sensitive, generally gentle, quiet & thoughtful - This is not what women want!
Sorry Apo but I totally disagree, they are the qualities I fell in love with, with my husband! In fact I have not been out with a man that did not display those qualities (unless they were pretending to have them which a few of the b****ds did!).

There are unconscious & primordial instincts at work here; that go back to a far earlier time in humanities history.

Basically women want a man to look after the cave - someone that has strong & aggressive traits, that will make decisions quickly & off the cuff - fast acting - taking control. You get the idea. The ideal muscle ripped modern man is a reflection of this desire/aspiration.
Although yes I admit that I find a slightly toned man is attractive, a muscular man is a turn off for me, because it is a signal that they would rather be down the gym alot than spending time with family and friends. Sorry for anyone who is muscular and muscle ripped but we all have our individual preferences! My husband is not and never will be (I think) toned and muscular, he is slightly overweight, was when I married him, but I love him and am attracted to him regardless of how he looks. Of course I don't want him to be obese, but for me it is more about the worry of health implications to him, than physical appearance, I was the same when he was underweight once, as he was with me.

A certain amount of women also have an inbuilt need to change men. So they will look for people with personality & character traits & circumstances that they believe they can change. Severe labelled mental Illness, (as well as other traits/circumstances) is not considered something that can be changed; & partly reason that women stay away.
I personally revel in my husbands and mine differences, I don't want to change him, how boring would that be? Our differences have enriched my life, we have done activities that I was reticent to do at first but ended up really enjoying, and vice versa. And I have been out with a number of men that had MH problems. My husband also had many difficulties when I first met him which did not put me off in any way.

Women secretly want a man who won't play their games. Courtship is all a game - a man who is confident, 'cocky & funny', & that doesn't bite into any of these control 'games' - has women falling at their feet.
I can't stand game playing, and broke up with men that were playing games with me. Men/Women who game play, IMO don't tend to have long term relationships, and if they do IME their relationships haven't lasted the course and are largely unfilling. The trust goes and the equality goes when someone starts playing with the affection of another. How can a realtionship survive that?

I have seen it - I observe it in others. Women smell desperation a mile off - they love it if men don't bite & show no interest & are immune to these attention games.
I am not well liked by men that play these games, who pretend to be aloof and uninterested, because I just have no time for them!

I have a number of friends who have strings of relationships one after another, they cheat & sleep around, they generally treat women badly. I am not condoning such things. But why if women truly wanted a sweet, kind considerate man, do so many of them so often fall for bastards?
People are powerfully motivated in attraction on suitability of fatherhood & motherhood, & the multiple factors needed for what people personally consider to be the beat traits.

It would also appear that men & women look for different things. As stated above; also women look far more at a complex of factors that can influence suitability of the right partner - based partly on looks - but that is far from the primary motivation - far more are things like - ability to manage & look after oneself (the cave). Personality & character traits. Men on the other hand are primarily motivated by physical looks (underlying ability to child bear). This fact of men's primary motivation is obvious, & incorporated into women's games - hence the use of face paints, revealing clothing, nice smells, posing etc etc etc.
I agree with your second quote highlighted above Apo. Yes I do feel instinctively that it is in some way about breeding. However ask a mother what qualities they would want in their child?
Would it be a child that has
strings of relationships one after another, they cheat & sleep around, they generally treat women badly
.......qualities?

Or a child that has
caring, sensitive, generally gentle, quiet & thoughtful
.......qualities? That you described yourself as having.

I think if you gave people both those choices most would choose the second one.

Because that is also what it is about, what the child can learn from their fathers, from a loving relationship, not just genetics. Its about what the partner can get from a loving relationship too.

- IMO -

I'd add the 'Battle of the sexes' has largely been won by women. Women in general call the shots. This is especially true of younger generations. This has created a lot of imbalance - Women generally now think that they are superior to men. There is sexism from both men & women; & I strongly oppose sexism wherever it is. But there has been & is a trend of violence by women against men, & other generalised aberrant sexist behaviour by women.

I am not saying that there is equality; or that male sexism isn't still a problem - it obviously is - but there is growing sexism from women. I would say that the women's liberation movement has caused & created as many problems as it proports to have solved.
I do agree with you on that one. Sexist behavior is no longer the domain of just men, women are guilty of it too, both are equally wrong.

But back to you Lionheart. My advice is be yourself. As Shaun said, perhaps make some female friends first. Why pretend to be someone you are not, because after a while that person will find out your true character eventually. Just be open and honest and true to yourself.

Most people like good listeners, so that is a good step to introduce yourself to someone, just keep asking questions and be interested. That way if you are a little flustered there is not much attention on you, it is on the other person. :)
 
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A

Apotheosis

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Sorry Apo but I totally disagree, they are the qualities I fell in love with, with my husband! In fact I have not been out with a man that did not display those qualities (unless they were pretending to have them which a few of the b****ds did!)
I was making generalisations. You admit that you used to fall for 'bastards', as 'Unlucky admits too -

Unlucky said:
I went for years of going out with good looking 'bastards' and did firmly believe that I could change them.
I think that bastards are ok for a women when she wants to play about
& what are most people doing these days? It's all a big game of musical relationships. the last thing a player wants is to settle down, they'll keep moving on to the next younger & prettier thing that comes along. We live in a society that emphasises & focuses of youth culture, quick fixes, & hedonism. Not to say that some people don't go the course; or work though things - but how many is it that do really?

Although yes I admit that I find a slightly toned man is attractive, a muscular man is a turn off for me, because it is a signal that they would rather be down the gym alot than spending time with family and friends. Sorry for anyone who is muscular and muscle ripped but we all have our individual preferences! My husband is not and never will be (I think) toned and muscular, he is slightly overweight, was when I married him, but I love him and am attracted to him regardless of how he looks. Of course I don't want him to be obese, but for me it is more about the worry of health implications to him, than physical appearance, I was the same when he was underweight once, as he was with me.
I wasn't necessarily meaning physical looks, I pointed out that physical looks isn't primarily what women go for. Many women (not all) want the dominant, presenceful man that takes control & gets things done, such qualities that women like (protection of the family / cave) are often the same qualities in men that are either violent or 'bastards'. That - "The ideal muscle ripped modern man is a reflection of this desire/aspiration". Women also love men that make them laugh.

I personally revel in my husbands and mine differences, I don't want to change him, how boring would that be? Our differences have enriched my life, we have done activities that I was reticent to do at first but ended up really enjoying, and vice versa. And I have been out with a number of men that had MH problems. My husband also had many difficulties when I first met him which did not put me off in any way.
Just about everyone has MH problems; & no one is without more general problems & difficulties - That isn't what I was referring to - how attractive is a man labelled with paranoid schizophrenia? Is that a point of attraction? Any look at statistics; or observation of these things - shows that social isolation, single status, being ostracised, socially excluded & a lack of physical contact with others; is the norm for the majority of men labelled with severe mental illness, especially schizophrenia.

I can't stand game playing, and broke up with men that were playing games with me. Men/Women who game play, IMO don't tend to have long term relationships, and if they do IME their relationships haven't lasted the course and are largely unfilling. The trust goes and the equality goes when someone starts playing with the affection of another. How can a realtionship survive that?
That isn't what I was referring to. Look at nature - the peacock & other mating rituals. It's all an attraction game; motivated by the strongest & most powerful natural drive & desire - the need to breed. From peoples interests, to clothes they wear, their mannerisms, just about everything. Many many things. I'd go with Freud on this to a degree; but not to the degree that he went. In referring to it as a game & game playing, I am meaning in far more expansive terms, than simply someone playing games with affection & feelings.

Game Theory ties into these things to a degree - that is worth looking into if you are interested.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzNcY-gZdiA

I am not well liked by men that play these games, who pretend to be aloof and uninterested, because I just have no time for them!
What about the cocky & funny men that make you laugh?

I am happy that you & unlucky have found happy & fulfilling relationships - I haven't. I don't see that I will a lot of the time. Maybe some of us are more suited to stable & long term relationships, & that is more 'right' for some of us than others - I don't know?
 
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Apotheosis

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I am kind, caring, sensitive, generally gentle, quiet & thoughtful - This is not what women want!
Sorry Apo but I totally disagree, they are the qualities I fell in love with, with my husband! In fact I have not been out with a man that did not display those qualities (unless they were pretending to have them which a few of the b****ds did!).
& if you are honest; are those the primary reasons that you feel in love with him?

If that's what women want then by rights I should be beating them off with a large stick.
 
R

ramboghettouk

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surprised hyou haven't been called a misogynist, when i say things like that i am

Women they have this way of been always in the right, they arrange things so they're in the right

Lets meet up in the pub and discuss women further
 
A

Apotheosis

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surprised hyou haven't been called a misogynist, when i say things like that i am
LOL - I have on occasion. A good friend of mine insists that I am one. I'm probably a Misanthrope as well ;)

Women they have this way of been always in the right, they arrange things so they're in the right
Of course they are right! & you must obey Rambo :rules:

Lets meet up in the pub and discuss women further
I would love to :)
 
S

*Sapphire*

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& if you are honest; are those the primary reasons that you feel in love with him?

If that's what women want then by rights I should be beating them off with a large stick.
Yes Apo they were! And when I said earlier that I fell for b****ds, it was only because they were PRETENDING to have those qualities to begin with! But I soon found out and finished with them before they got a chance to get into my knickers! LOL!

And no I don't like cocky men, I personally find them largely unattractive in fact! They are good for a laugh in the office, but for me not a relationship of any kind! Many of them can't handle that I give as good as I get! LOL! But some women are attracted to them, I won't deny that.

But personally I do think a sense of humour is not a bad thing, and that doesn't mean they have to be joking all the time, there are all sorts of different forms of humour.

And as I said to you in another post I have a friend with paranoid schizophrenia who got engaged and almost married, and the only reason he didn't marry her is because he called it off. However he now is in ANOTHER loving relationship and living with that person.

I have been out with a man with very severe Bipolar he was hospitalised when we were seeing each other but his illness didn't put me off, it was aspects of his personality that were the reasons I left him.

Ha Ha Rambo! Can I come to the pub too? I would love the opportunity to be right in your company! You must obey! Oh and I must also have the opportunity to say "I told you so!" another favourite phrase of mine! LOL! :salut:
 
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Emily-Rose

Emily-Rose

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LOL This is an interesting conversation :p

I don't really mind mental health conditions, my boyfriend has a mental health condition. But then again, maybe it's because I understand because I have a mental health condition. I guess people who don't have a mental health condition and don't understand do steer away from it (if that makes sense!)

I don't really like cocky guys either in a relationship. I like a guy with a sense of humour but I like a guy who can be serious too when he needs to.

I don't like guys who don't listen to me! I guess at times it's funny, I mean.. for example, when a guy's tickling a girl and she giggles and says "no...stop!" it's kinda obvious she doesn't want him to stop! I'd be pretty gutted if he did then LOL.

Emily.x
 
A

Apotheosis

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Then I think that you are an exception to the rule sapphire. People with MH issuescan often differ a lot from the norm, be more sensitive, perceptive, caring & understanding.

Just in my experience - since things went very pear shaped at 25, stuck on tablets (long term medication dependant), labelled, & since then not worked. Since I stopped chasing women, & became more interested in things other than doing drink/drugs, fashion, weights, & other posturing - things have been desolate with romance in my life. Women don't appear interested. They don't find my low self esteem, lack of confidence, anxiety & depression a turn on - wish they did, but they don't. Or maybe I just live in an area with generally shallow women?
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
I guess at times it's funny, I mean.. for example, when a guy's tickling a girl and she giggles and says "no...stop!" it's kinda obvious she doesn't want him to stop! I'd be pretty gutted if he did then LOL.

Emily.x
Oh no in that situation if I say stop I mean it, as i'd be scared of p**sing myself! LOL! :D
 

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