- Jun 25, 2020
I was diagnosed 2.5 years ago. Saw a physiatrist every 3months until covid 19 ended in person visits . Attending 1 yr personal counseling as I live in rural Northern Britsh Columbia. I was referred to mental health local support group at the hospital, but decided not to attend as I live in a small town and work with vulnerable clients professionally. This weekend I drove 4hr to a hotel my husband was at for work. I was convinced he was having an affair. I think about it now and ... think omg. WTF! He is not having an affair, my rage and anger took over my whole body. I have always looked for validation from others, I am definitely black or white in my thinking, I suffer from extreme emotions of abandonment issues. I will end a relationship or friendship at times and think ong what did I just do?? I am intelligent, have a professional career and yet I think I am nothing one minute and the next I think our office would operate without me. I just turned 50 with 2 adult children. I have been married 4times. I have no parents my mom was killed in a drinking driving accident my dad left me at 6...back in my life a few times . Once my 2 children born our relationship ship ended due to his alcoholism. I asked him to call when he was sober...that was over 25years ago. I still to this day wonder why I was not good enough...for my Dad to call me? Or has he not had a sober day in the past 25yrs... I have been told that I am resilient and strong willed stubborn the list is long. I am passionate, loving and fun. I am truly a kind, loving generous person. Then... it happens the rage over the smallest thing happens. I rant and rage hurting only the ones I love the most. Hurting my husband the most... after I am so sorry and wish I could take it back. I have had and extremely bad week ...nightly arguing with my husband o phone.